the power of positive thinking (and blogging?)

I have driven a 1998 seafoam green Ford Escort since just after my freshman year of college. We've made countless trips between Cleveland, Columbus, and Cincinnati; a long trek to Boston; a few trips north to New York/Canada; and have spent the better part of the last 3 years learning the ins-and-outs of the Greater Columbus interstate (my job would be impossible without my [reliable] car).

I know that my car needs some gentle coaxing to get going in the morning, it takes us a little longer to make that left turn out onto the main drag or accelerate up the onramp (why are the things that are supposed to help you match the speed of freeway traffic uphill???). We have to take it easy and rest for a few seconds between braking and accelerating, but we can't idle too long or we won't go anywhere without restarting to try again. It's true, my car probably should have retired a few years ago, but it's still going strong! (D disagrees with this belief)

I can't stand (and it's probably not safe) to let anyone else drive my car. As my more practical side is getting the better of me and I'm starting to think about getting a new car, I'm happy to remember and be thankful for all the great memories this car has afforded me (there are still remnants of a picture of vin diesel that was taped to the dashboard; the stick on earrings one of my boys gave me because i was cool are still on the console; the ribbon that held the pistachio butterfly made by a friend still hangs from the rear-view mirror), and I'm sad that I never felt the need to give it a name, or... take very good care of it. What a trooper!

Man-Ripping Girl Power!!!

I'm having a recent fetish for punk-rock-pop-ish (excuse my lack of knowledge on the correct terminology) girl power songs. Hot N' Cold by Katy Perry; So What by Pink. The silliest thing is that there is not an ounce of comparison between my good, calm, happy relationship with D and these powerful boy-hating songs that make me feel like an independent, kick ass rockstar. I think there might be some part of every (insecure?) girl that identifies with these songs...because we've been hurt in the past, or think we could get hurt in the future.

Whatever the reason, I think I'll keep these songs for powering through a few extra minutes on the treadmill AND be happy that I don't hate my husband.

Ode to my Bedroom

We painted the bedroom a color we liked,
We bought a duvet cover on sale.
We painted a wall design to go with the duvet.
We painted a canvas that was anything but pale.

I loved the painting,
but it clashed with the walls,
So we painted the walls
to match the painting's calls.

The walls made the painting pop,
but the duvet looked a little shabby,
So we painted a new design to tie it all together,
then realized it was making us crabby.

The new design didn't go with the painting,
so we re-painted the painting to tie it all in.

We finally bought a bed that was much different than we planned,
So we painted one wall to highlight the bed.
We bought a pillow that matched the walls,
but it clashes with the duvet instead.
YAH!

2 room colors, 3 wall designs, 2 paintings, 1 bed, and an inspired piece of poetry later, I'm thinking the duvet has got to go! Someday we'll make it work.

My Husband

My husband bought 2 tickets so I could see the Tour of Gymnastics Superstars this past weekend. My husband went with me and sat (seemingly happily) through 2 hours of a tweenage girl's happiest dream! There was an older couple sitting next to us. They weren't toting any toddlers or taking pictures of their grandchildren--it was just the two of them and I can only imagine that husband was probably indulging his wife as well.

I hope we can be the kind of couple that enjoys everything together today, AND 25 years from now! I'm so appreciative that D goes out of his way to help me enjoy life, and hope that in the future I can be more supportive of his interests...

Which I guess might mean getting half-sleeve tattoos or jumping in a mosh-pit together :)

discomfort

I think I was a pretty sociable person in middle school. My interest in establishing new relationships has definitely been overshadowed more and more by my discomfort in new and out-of-my-control situations. Deep down, I know I still crave true close friends and want strong relationships with family. That kind of relationship only grows from time and effort. I want to be the person that meets friends for lunch, invites family over for dinner, enjoys a leisurely conversation with the neighbor, celebrates birthdays, special events, and just "hangs."

I'm not that person. I'm very opposite that person. I like forethought and planning. I like to figure out the most efficient way to spend my days (accomplish the most amount of stuff in the least amount of time with the least inconvenience). I like to know what I'm eating for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a treat. I like to know the precise amount of time it will take for me to get from here to there (you don't need to stop to pee!). I like to be in control. When I feel I'm in control, I am comfortable. When I am immersed in a group of people that have no reason to yield to my quirky preferences and GTD necessities, I am uncomfortable!

[you want to meet for dinner tonight? sorry, i have already planned our meal, written it on the dry erase board, bought the groceries, and been thinking about it all day]

So, a BYO-everything dinner party at a semi-co-worker's house with no established ending time overwhelms me a little bit. I know I have to go because my husband wants to go. He enjoys (and thrives at) meeting new people, finding common interests, and sharing information in a comfortable, laid-back way. I know I have to go because I weasel my way out of most of the very few invitations we receive. D knows my discomfort in these situations, so he gives me a start time and end time for the affair. I still drag my feet, take a little too long to get ready and we show up a little later than planned.

We are the second ones there. We share cookies and appetizers. I am relieved when I learn that the other guest is interesting enough to carry the conversation. Is he looking at me like I'm crazy? More people we know arrive. I find an out of the way spot in the center of everything, lean against the wall. Try not to cross my arms. I make eye contact, smile, and nod. I try to contribute to the conversation but it never seems quite right. I try not to try too hard, relax. I tell myself not to look at my watch. These are interesting people. I don't need to be doing anything else. Our planned departure time comes, and while the party is winding down and I'm ready to go, D is the one that initiates leaving. I don't feel like I need to get out of there. I probably don't want to stay, but I don't NEED to get of there.

Nothing extraordinary happened tonight. Nothing extraordinary usually happens when I force myself to partake in less-preferred activities, but I'm glad that I went. I'm glad that I'm learning more about my issues with socialization and not totally giving up on it! There are so many interesting people in the world. So many things that you'd never expect in others. Being around new people makes me excited to just be comfortable being myself and sharing myself with others. So, I'm learning....

And I should probably start drinking alcohol again.

ohyea! ohyea!

That is the victory cry of a satisfied woman! I feel like I actually USED my time today! For the past few days I've been trying to tell myself that I have to pick 3 things to complete each day. Sure, I've gotten stuff done (exercise, grocery store, dinners, puppy time, showers!), but I've not really gone out of my way to tackle projects that have been on my mind.

Tonight I can proudly report my 3 things for Thursday:

1. I cleaned out our fridge. I don't just mean I removed expired, moldy, and suspiciously congealed substances (I did that, too), but I CLEANED out our fridge. Took out the drawers, used soap and water, rearranged the shelves, and put the food back purposefully (most frequently used condiments on the top shelf, one side-drawer of tomato products, etc.). It was disgusting (not surprisingly as we haven't cleaned it at all since we've lived here...) and now it is mostly pretty clean and that makes me happy.

2. When I was in high school, Papa taught me that after you finished one coat of paint in a room, you could store the roller and brushes in a plastic bag in the refrigerator to keep it moist before you use it again. I love that I don't have to clean out rollers and brushes immediately following a painting project. I love it so much that I just stored 2 rollers and 3 brushes in the fridge for most of a year! So, I cleaned out the fridge, and followed that up by cleaning out our paint supplies. To continue the trend I washed our laundry tub and! I cleaned out the lint trap!

3. A long time ago I heard that you could substitute avocado for the fat in baking recipes. I've been meaning to try it, but never have. Cookies taste just fine with butter, thank you! But tonight I made our newly found "Peanut Butter Surprise" recipe with 1/2 butter and 1/2 avocado (baby steps). The cookies turned out a little differently than most cookies, but they're not green, they don't taste like guacamole, and they turned out. They just seem to taste a bit healthier. So you can eat 3-5 cookies and not feel so bad about it!

a good laugh

I had a couple of down days so far this week. Husband was out of town, work was less-than-exciting, and I was having a hard time getting/staying motivated to do much of anything. I think I still have some figuring out to do as to my general disinterest in everything over the past few days--but wanted to quickly report that tonight we laughed so hard and so happily at a little incident during one of our almost nightly dance parties in the living room!

Unfortunately, when we were attempting a pretty fly and too advanced move, I kicked husband in the head! This happened immediately after he said, (tapping on my foot) "Don't kick me with this foot." So... he is okay, and we had a great laugh--the can't catch your breath-face hurts-you know you look really goofy kind of laugh and it was fun. And it was fun to realize in the middle of it that we were being silly and crazy, and to let myself continue to feel that because it's what life is about!