non-wedding cake #1

I really love baking.  I also really hate it.  It takes up so much time, makes a huge mess, we never seem to have the right ingredients, and I'm entirely too impatient to do anything right (measuring cups? we have a few, but I always default to using the same 1/2 cup and lose count of how many scoops I've added 50% of the time).  Why do I love it?  There is nothing better than making something pretty, delicious, and share-able.  I love baking when things work out.

I'm super interested in making a wedding cake and thought that before I really committed myself to partaking in such a huge endeavor, I should at least try to see if I could make a stacked cake.  One amazing (and uninformed) trip to the cake supply store later, I couldn't help but dive in.  I usually only bake now on the rare occasion that both girls are sleeping at the same time.  That, coupled with the never ending to-do-list that I happily put on hold, force me to bake with a terrible sense of urgency.  Knowing that one or both of the girls will probably wake up and derail me any minute, means I just better get everything done that minute.  And, if you're thinking that probably doesn't help my impatient, messy, not-exact baking style? you're right.  I try to do things all at once, skip steps, or realize I don't have enough of something in the middle of the recipe during most undertakings.  Luckily, I'm building a sense of what works and keep the iPad close to Google away and speed bumps.

This cake didn't take long at all and it wasn't hard.  I learned from some of my mistakes with buttercream, and think that it'll spread smoother next time.  I baked the cakes during naptime, and made frostings and frosted intermittently while we bathed the girls, put them to bed, then brought them back out to play because they weren't sleeping. A total of 4-5 hours of work.  Ellie told me the cake was pretty.  The only way we could convince her not to stick her fingers in it that night was by telling her that we had to wait for Fifi to come over to eat it the next day. 

As promised, Finn came over, and after we added to our set of pictures they'll hate us for later, we all ate some cake.  A rich, dense chocolate cake with vanilla buttercream icing.  Delish.  I brought 1/2 of it to work and we finished the rest within the week :)

And of course, the pictures that Jess took make the cake so much prettier than it really was.  How does she do it???

why i love my husband... fourteen?

Another oops, eh?  While I have to give myself a pat on the back for somehow making the time to post something on this blog for almost 14 days straight, I still couldn't pull through in the end.  Bummer.  What would reason 14 have been?... Crikey, I don't even know.  On my original brainstorming list ideas that were left included he makes my coffee & he's creative.  Maybe I intentionally didn't post because that would have been super anti-climactic.  Lucky you :)

Our Valentine's Day was actually more exciting than any recent ones I can remember.  I get super excited about making holidays special for the girls.  We had (have) love-filled hearts hanging in our front window, the girls woke up to share the love with the world's cutest couple, Mickey & Minnie Mouse, we all wore pink or red, and the girls got heart balloons at the end of the day.  Grandma even joined in the fun by bringing up some love-themed plates and other surprises.  Goals for next year: heart-shaped and/or pink or red food at every meal and mailing out Valentine's to our extended family (this is the first year we've dropped the ball on that one in a while). 

David and I exchanged cards.  He got me one about bikes and I got him one about fountain pop.  No joke. 

resolutions

frantic want-to GTD

David and I made “want to” and “have to” lists that we try to keep updated in our kitchen to keep us on track with getting things done.  Our usual “have to” list includes mowing the lawn, cleaning the kitchen and the floors, and finishing up a few projects that we’ve started but not finished (how fun).  Most of my “want to” list is made up of things that I want to spruce up around the house.  Today, armed with the power of the grandparent army, I found the strength to tackle a project on my "want to" list. 

First, I had to go gather supplies.  Without a definite plan, I made an unsatisfying stop at Home Depot, then headed through insane Sunday traffic to JoAnn Fabrics.  I came home with a few fabric purchases and decided that I would try to re-cover the gnarly seat cushion on Ellie’s Stokke Tripp Trapp Chair.  A super great deal on eBay, we had to accept the gruesome beige cover that came with it.  Aside from being un-fun, it is pretty disgusting—a fact that we can’t blame solely on the previous owners (you’ve seen Ellie feed herself yogurt, right?).

The fabric I ended up with wouldn't have been my first choice if I had endless time to search and money to spend, but I was excited that it was on sale, it was bright and fun, and really girly.  I consulted briefly with my mom, who actually knows how to sew, about how I should go about the project… then, quickly growing impatient, decided just to start.  I took the iPad into the purple room and looked up “diy tripp trapp cushion”.    

On a side note, can I show you the purple room?  Intended to be an art space, here’s what we’ve got going on.   

That's where I planned, cut, ironed, and sewed this entire project, see the sewing machine?  David says it looks like we’re hoarders.  And while I’m confessing to our craziness, this is what the kitchen looks like when I bake. 

Haha. (will you ever eat any of my treats again?)

Anyways, I got pretty excited when I found a rough tutorial outline online and started on my own.  Things seemed to be going well, the sewing machine was working, Ellie and Emery were occupied and I was making great progress.  Until I wasn’t.  The tutorial I found was written by a French person, who wasn’t awesome at explaining anything in English.  It got me started, but after consulting it multiple times (swearing more than I have in the past year) ripping out stitches to try things different ways, running out of bobbin thread (convincing David to reload it), and chasing down Alden after he ran away, my heart was racing and I was frustrated that I had wasted my precious weekend time on such a failure.  This is when my internal conversation turns to “this is why it’s not worth it to do anything,” and “you should’ve just been home playing with the girls.”  Probably because of David’s optimism (foolishness?) I kept going and ditched the tutorial.  Just to give you some perspective I’m pretty sure one of the steps in the tutorial said “put the right side of the back side of the bottom cushion on top of 2 of the four layers of batting”.  Yeah, that wasn’t happening.  

I finally figured out the right way to put all the pieces together, and then continued to eff up the seam about 5 times before finally getting it right.  Convinced at this point that it wouldn’t even fit on the chair, I was prepared for defeat, but…

It actually worked!  Since I couldn’t be bothered with precise little details, David was kind enough to read some directions and figure out how to make the extra large button hole for the strap to pass through (after this pic was snapped).  Voila!  We did it!  Without tears!  When Ellie saw it she…. didn’t really care.  She did tap it a few times, though.  Probably her way of saying, "holy crap, that's awesome!"

draw

Taking the time to create always makes me feel better about life.  I enjoy coming up with ideas, figuring out how to make things happen, and being in the moment of creating something that is pleasing to me, when time seems to fall away and I feel motivated and productive.  Most of the things that I choose to pass my free time include some sort of creative outlet: painting and redecorating the house, cooking and baking, scrapbooking, writing this blog.  It takes all different forms, but the way I feel when I’m doing any of those things (and they are turning out better than awful) is always the same.  Powerful, determined, getting things done.

Ellie already enjoys leaving her mark on the world.  On paper, windows, dry-erase boards, refrigerators, notebooks, posters, and books, if we’d let her.   

The girl loves to draw.  It all started with her love of opening things up.  She loved taking the caps off of the markers (and throwing them on the floor, of course).  I decided to have her make David a father's day card back in June and I don’t think a day has passed in the last 4 months that she hasn’t drawn something.  She’s getting better over time, her grip has improved (it's crazy amazing, actually), she’s gone through phases of drawing lines, elephants, scribbles and now I swear she’s trying to draw faces, possibly of her favorite Yo Gabba Gabba character, MUNO!!!! (he’s tall and friendly!)  

Her love for drawing has caused a good share of our frustration with her (and her with us) as well.  She loves MARKERS, and will scream for them instead of colored pencils or crayons.  She thinks she knows how to ask for certain colors by screaming and stomping if we show her the wrong one.  She mostly understands what markers belong with the window, or the paper, or the fridge, but every once in awhile she tries really hard to convince us they'll work in so many different places. (the floor, the wall, the chair, your foot!)  Nightly baths are basically just to wash her completely stained hands along with whatever stray body parts she decorated that day.  We kind of hate it, but mostly we love it.  We’re always impressed with the ability and focus she shows.  I’m so looking forward to seeing if this sticks with her for the next few years.  And really anxious for the day she decides it's important enough for HER to pick up the caps and put them back on the markers when she is done.

Man-Ripping Girl Power!!!

I'm having a recent fetish for punk-rock-pop-ish (excuse my lack of knowledge on the correct terminology) girl power songs. Hot N' Cold by Katy Perry; So What by Pink. The silliest thing is that there is not an ounce of comparison between my good, calm, happy relationship with D and these powerful boy-hating songs that make me feel like an independent, kick ass rockstar. I think there might be some part of every (insecure?) girl that identifies with these songs...because we've been hurt in the past, or think we could get hurt in the future.

Whatever the reason, I think I'll keep these songs for powering through a few extra minutes on the treadmill AND be happy that I don't hate my husband.

discomfort

I think I was a pretty sociable person in middle school. My interest in establishing new relationships has definitely been overshadowed more and more by my discomfort in new and out-of-my-control situations. Deep down, I know I still crave true close friends and want strong relationships with family. That kind of relationship only grows from time and effort. I want to be the person that meets friends for lunch, invites family over for dinner, enjoys a leisurely conversation with the neighbor, celebrates birthdays, special events, and just "hangs."

I'm not that person. I'm very opposite that person. I like forethought and planning. I like to figure out the most efficient way to spend my days (accomplish the most amount of stuff in the least amount of time with the least inconvenience). I like to know what I'm eating for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a treat. I like to know the precise amount of time it will take for me to get from here to there (you don't need to stop to pee!). I like to be in control. When I feel I'm in control, I am comfortable. When I am immersed in a group of people that have no reason to yield to my quirky preferences and GTD necessities, I am uncomfortable!

[you want to meet for dinner tonight? sorry, i have already planned our meal, written it on the dry erase board, bought the groceries, and been thinking about it all day]

So, a BYO-everything dinner party at a semi-co-worker's house with no established ending time overwhelms me a little bit. I know I have to go because my husband wants to go. He enjoys (and thrives at) meeting new people, finding common interests, and sharing information in a comfortable, laid-back way. I know I have to go because I weasel my way out of most of the very few invitations we receive. D knows my discomfort in these situations, so he gives me a start time and end time for the affair. I still drag my feet, take a little too long to get ready and we show up a little later than planned.

We are the second ones there. We share cookies and appetizers. I am relieved when I learn that the other guest is interesting enough to carry the conversation. Is he looking at me like I'm crazy? More people we know arrive. I find an out of the way spot in the center of everything, lean against the wall. Try not to cross my arms. I make eye contact, smile, and nod. I try to contribute to the conversation but it never seems quite right. I try not to try too hard, relax. I tell myself not to look at my watch. These are interesting people. I don't need to be doing anything else. Our planned departure time comes, and while the party is winding down and I'm ready to go, D is the one that initiates leaving. I don't feel like I need to get out of there. I probably don't want to stay, but I don't NEED to get of there.

Nothing extraordinary happened tonight. Nothing extraordinary usually happens when I force myself to partake in less-preferred activities, but I'm glad that I went. I'm glad that I'm learning more about my issues with socialization and not totally giving up on it! There are so many interesting people in the world. So many things that you'd never expect in others. Being around new people makes me excited to just be comfortable being myself and sharing myself with others. So, I'm learning....

And I should probably start drinking alcohol again.

What Do I Want???

It’s such a silly (and impossible) question, but coming from a family of people that have had the same careers since as long as I can remember, I feel like it’s a decision I need to make—and stick to, soon. My parents have both been employed in their respective fields for over 30 years. I think they both enjoy their work, but I can’t say I’m convinced that it is what they were meant to do. Thankfully, they have found other outlets for their talents. Amazingly, they have found time to maintain and explore their other talents despite working full-time, being active members in our community, taking care of their parents, and raising 4 children.

I worry that my parents demonstrate some super-human ability to give attention and care to everyone and everything around them. Maybe it’s not a super-human ability, but it’s something that I still haven’t figured out yet. In the past, I have been passionate about many things. When I find things I care about, I fully dedicate myself to them, and put in whatever effort needs to be made to get things done. In recent years, most of my passion has been absorbed in my job as an ABA therapist for children with autism; whatever energy is left has been spent painting and re-painting our house. And that’s where it stops. [pause for a few minutes to make sure I can’t think of anything else that I’ve been pursuing…] My parents have been able to give the necessary energy to their professions, exercise regularly, maintain close relationships with their family, pursue hobbies of photography, painting, woodworking and more, and create and uphold a yard you’d expect to see in magazines.

I really do love my job (and usually don’t think of it as a “job,” which is nice), but there are other things that I would like to be a central part of my life. I want to reach out to friends and family and make them feel good about life, I want to have a strong and growing relationship with my husband, I want to love our house, our yard, I want to be a part of our community, I want to earn demanding physical, emotional, and artistic accomplishments, and I want to stop wondering “What do I want to do with my life?” and just know that I’ll just be doing it everyday.

Jumping on the blog-wagon probably won't resolve my questions, but I hope it will serve as motivation to think about thoughts and try new things that usually get pushed out by my day-to-day activities. Hopefully this is the first of many endeavors in the coming months that will help me refocus my life on my self and all the experiences, people, and activities that make me happy to be around.