you know you're a new mom if...

-you consider it a good night's sleep if you sleep for more than 4 continuous hours.
-everything you do revolves around a 3 hour interval.
-you're used to driving in the car with no music because you need to make sure your baby is still breathing in the backseat.
-you consider yourself on time if you're less than 15 minutes late.
-your bedroom floor is covered with each day's failed (read: too small) attempts at looking work-appropriate (or just appropriate, period).
-you think it's okay to talk to people about (your own) tearing, cutting, dripping & pumping
-you think it's okay to talk to people about (your baby's) pooping, puking & miniscule new skill development (she's picking things up!).
-you think starbucks' grande (and venti!) drinks are small.

what else?

i'm heeeeeere!

Even though I could, I'm not going to make this post about the continual struggles of working and managing Ellie... which are only more complicated this week by David's boss' request that he work a few nights in addition to his normal work week...

Instead, I'm proud to announce that we have a new little chatterbox in our house and that our quiet little snugglebug is making her presence known more everyday, filling our lives with a new little personality that is just starting to emerge. Ellie's become quite a little squeal monster lately. It seems like every evening she has one period when no matter what we're doing with her she's squealing in response. She squeals higher and higher each time, a little bit louder every now and again, and it leaves us cracking up. It's so much fun that she's finding her voice. I like to pretend that we're having conversations. She must be communicating something, right?! Sometimes she tells me about her day with the boys at Laura's and other days we make plans for shopping trips. We've been doing our best to capture this on a video, but somehow she stops whenever the camera is around--even if she doesn't see it! She's so in tune, I know.

We were able to spend time with older babies this weekend, and I spent Friday at work learning about typical play development in children. So far, it's been hard for us to realistically see our future with Ellie--we're so wrapped up in diapers! and feeding! and burping! oh my! But after seeing older babies laughing, taking their first steps, and bopping Aldy on the nose, and watching videos of little girls having tea parties ("I need some shuka") and playing with play kitchens I'm starting to think of all the crazy things we have to come. The least of which should be rolling over... and that should be coming soon, right?
Ellie's playful voice, and her newly evidenced frustration with being unable to control her hands the way she wants seem to be the beginnings of her social development. She's already starting to interact more with us and the world and it's crazy fun. She's had her first crush (TT), her first slow dance (Chris) and her first kiss (Nolan!). Someone needs to tell her to slow down.

a text snippet of a too busy monday

sent at 1:40 from the bathroom floor at the clinic while pumping (on our new high-tech android phones, mind you)

David: They're asking me to do a long day tues or weds. Do you think laura would mind? There's not a way around it.
Me: That sucks
Me: Maybe Tuesday would be best
Me: I should be able to work 11-4
Me: I'm worried we shouldn't have a kid...
David: ok, I'm so sorry
Me: I know, today is my worst day
Me: Just started pumping supposed to be in dublin at 2
David: I have to go out in the field right now. we should have a kid, it will all work out
David: xoxoxo
Me: Have done about half of what I'm supposed to
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm still trying to figure out how to balance work and motherhood. It's so sad to drop Ellie off right during her smiley time, and so hard to be overlybookedrushingaround at work trying to get home as early as possible. Every other Monday will be like this and I just need time to breathe...

My days are brightened by positive, productive meetings at work and, mostly by email messages from David, with lovely pics of my Ellie. Here's the one I got today while driving across town to a meeting in a rainstorm, hungry, thirsty, and needing to pump (don't worry, I checked my phone only after I arrived at my destination):
Rejuvenated, my meeting was awesome and now we're all home... and I'm looking forward to a lighter week ahead! Good life, go! ;)

do you love me?

We've recently heard news about 2 young couples we know heading towards divorce. This news leads us to talk about how crazy it is that people could get married and be in love and then a few years later decide divorce is the best option. It doesn't make sense to us now, and I hope it never will.

A book I'm reading details all the craziness that children bring to a marriage. It riddles off facts about the frequency of divorce, unhappiness, separate lives, etc. Our relationship has already changed a lot since Ellie has come into our lives. We spend a lot more time dividing responsibilities instead of tackling everything together. We've seen each other doing and talking about more unattractive things and had a lot less time to try to look attractive for each other. Our kisses and highest energies are spent entertaining our baby girl instead of each other.

It's times when I'm overwhelmed by our messy house, lack of sleep, fast-food dinners, too few showers, and stained clothes that I ask David for some confirmation:

Despite everything that could possibly be considered bad right now, do you love me? Are you still with me?

We haven't made a conscious effort to keep our marriage happy or intact, but I don't doubt that we still love each other more today than we did a year ago. I think subconsciously I've realized that it's in these messy bits that our love seems truest and grows even stronger. I want to make sure David sees that, too. I've taken to confirming our love for Ellie too since she can't point it out to us yet, and in the middle of a sleepless night or rough morning it's important to remember. If she could she would say something like:

Even when I poop on, puke on, and scream at you, you still love me more than anything else in the whole wide world.

I'm sitting here trying to come up with a conclusion for this post, but just decided there isn't one. I wanted to share how happy I am with our life and our family and it's fitting that there's no neat conclusion because it's all kind of a mess. I'm happy enough to know that we're in all of this together and everyday can only get better. For true life.