traditions in the making

Not sure if it's the time of year, the fact that Ellie is growing faster than the weeds in our grass, or just that we're spending more time at home, but I've been enjoying finding little fun things to make our home-life more exciting!

We started writing some of our favorite daily memories on brightly colored strips of paper and hanging them up in the bathroom. This idea came from a book I read (and loved) when I was pregnant with Ellie: The Happiness Project. The mother in the book realizes how many little amazing things happen everyday, and how quickly we can forget them as we move on with our too busy lives, so she starts writing down the most memorable things at the end of the day. David and I haven't been doing so well with the daily thing, but we write down the super special or fun things, usually involving our beautiful baby girl. A few highlights: "Ellie pooped on the bathroom floor," "Day-O, Shake, Shake, Shake Senora," "10 minute cleaning challenge," and "Impromptu family dinner @ Polaris." Maybe those aren't things we'd forget, but I think it's nice to be reminded of them when we're otherwise not thinking about how fun our life can be.

The other fun thing we're trying to do is a fun countdown to Christmas. While it wasn't executed perfectly this year, it will hopefully become bigger and better and eventually be an anticipated holiday tradition. We made a board with 25 hidden tags on it detailing something we have to do that night. We included a few of our special favorite treats: "coffee night," and "do what you want," as well as some things that we thought would be cool, but wouldn't happen of our own free will: "turn off the TV," and... I guess this will actually be more surprising than it seemed when we made it last week, because I really can't remember what the other tags say!

My favorite one so far? I've had to work a lot this week, including last Sunday afternoon. When I came home, I was greeted with my loves all dressed up for "fancy night."
My heart always skips a beat when David gets dressed up, and seeing him holding E in her tights and ballet slippers was pretty much the most awesome greeting ever.

the great diaper challenge

It took me half an hour to change Ellie's diaper this morning. How, you ask? First, as mentioned before, she can't sit still, so convincing her to lay on her back is a daunting task. I'll let her play with just about anything so I can take care of business. She loses interest in things pretty quickly, but a few past favorites have been her nasal spray, diaper cream, pig-duck toy, and bag of wipes. The current favorite is the clean diaper. Really, I think she's trying to figure out how to open it up and put it on by herself, she's just such a helper. Even with all those tricks, this morning was beyond beyond. I know I stopped and just sat for a few minutes, but I can't remember if I laughed or cried at the absurdity. Girl! You're seven months old! Slow your roll!

I put her down on the carpet (because the changing table is entirely too small and too high). She rolled over to her belly. I pulled her back. Repeated multiple times. Removed clothing and diaper. She rolled over to her belly. She peed on the rug (while singing, of course). I figured I might as well give her some diaper off time to see what she had in mind since the worst had already happened. She wiggled herself right over to Daddy's guitar to play with the strings. I finished wiping, applied dipe cream, then picked her up to reposition her on her back. She squirted out a poop! Luckily, she aimed for the diaper waiting for her, but still! Begin the whole process again. I put the diaper on her while she was squirming on her belly.

We've had lots of fun diaper off times this week. Last night, while she was walking around the house in nothing but her socks before bathtime, she peed on the hallway floor, on me, and again on the bathroom floor. The last shot included a stinky little squirt on the corner of the bathmat. (We needed a new one anyways!) The logic of "she just peed, so we should be good for a while," apparently doesn't apply.

things that are awesome

Alternative Title: sorry i never make time to blog, but let me update you on the awesomeness of our almost seven month old beauty.

• I know you want to ask if she's crawling, everyone does, but no--she's not crawling, she just thinks that she can walk. And she can. With the help of a well-balanced adult's sturdy pointer fingers. She finds them every chance she can. If she can't find a pair of willing fingers, she might try for some nearby furniture or other object, or she might just cry like a little baby. I'm experiencing my first "but mom, why can't I...?"
• She's decided that she wants to nurse sitting up. That's fine for bottles, but makes nursing from me a little more interesting. Plus, her increasing quest for independence makes her think that she can feed herself. (Again, works for the bottles, but makes nursing from me a little more interesting.)
  


• How many times have you seen a toddler running around, playing game after game, bouncing off the walls, and thought: I wish I could bottle that energy. ? Do you think we're in trouble if she's already inspiring those thoughts at this age? I tell you, the girl doesn't stop. We broke down and bought her one of those walk around things (super coops or tot wheels) and I think she'd be happy to stay in it forever. Crashing around our small house, maneuvering her way from the front door to the back door and back again (we think she is looking for more house... this can't be it, can it?), trying to improve her sprints down the hallway track; she's a wild woman. We have a few tricks to get some quiet time including guitar sing-alongs (really, she sings along!), reading her forever favorite book, Peek-a-Zoo, and... I think that's it. Sheesh, even diaper changes are a struggle.


• She's interacting more and more with her environment. This means fun-ness like banging things together, miming on the front window (she's stuck in a box!), and pushing buttons on toys as well as less fun things like trying to pull picture frames off of walls, and trying to figure out how to open drawers. She pretty much wants everything she can see, and especially wants anything that she sees that she's not supposed to have.

• She's got this super-cute, razor-sharp tooth that has inspired all kinds of fun play with drooling, sticking out her tongue, and blowing raspberries. She also squeals, shrieks and maaaaaaas like any great cheerleader, or... farm animal.
  

• She's having a harder and harder time sleeping well through the night. We had adjusted (as much as you can) to waking up every 3 hours to feed her, but now she seems to be waking up earlier and earlier after each feeding. I'm pretty sure she's not hungry, but feeding her is the easiest way to get us all back to snuggly-sleepyland as soon as possible. If she wakes up and refuses to melt back into sleep while we're still awake, she's usually privy to late night parties (activities have included dressing up like a Sugar Baby, walking laps around the coffee table, dancing with the stars, and pooping---and yes, the behaviorist in me knows this is pretty much the worst thing we can do if we want to teach her to sleep... that, and the feeding on demand, sleeping in our bed...eek, don't tell!) We're contemplating (and procrastinating about) sleep-training recommended by our pediatrician, and pretty much every baby book/resource/parent you talk to. We'll let you know if we get the courage to do it, and let you know how it goes. You might be able to guess how it's going by the depth and darkness of the bags under my eyes and the level of non-responsiveness from David.

• So is having a 7 month old all awesome-ness? Absolutely. It is beyond cool to see the new things she's experimenting with everyday and to see a little more of what our future will be like with a growing Ellie C.
  

Sweet dreams!

gratitude, germs, growing teeth

Every day for the past 4 weeks, someone in our babysitter's family has been sick. Fevers, nausea, coughing, oozing eyes. Gross. We kept Ellie home the whole time, and, with the help of grandparents, understanding employers and coworkers, and complete abandon for any normal sense of daily life, we made it work.

The first day home was too much fun. All day I kept thinking, "I'm not sick, Ellie's not sick, but I still can't go to work!" It was so much better than staying home when you actually are sick, and even so much better than staying home when you're pretending you are sick (because those days are filled with worry... that you might (1.) get caught or (2.) get hit by a bad case of karma and find yourself actually sick/with a broken down car/etc.) As day after day passed, I felt more exhausted by the demands piling up at work and the number of favors we had called in. It was an awesome time for Ellie to spend with her grandparents (plus extra time with her super fun parents). Taking her back to Laura's was bittersweet. Ellie was excited to see her (which, OMG, what a relief) and I guess it was nice to be at meetings today without trying to entertain Little Miss Independent who wants to be walking around and eating everything she can't. (shoes? really?)

The newest problem in our little world is that Ellie's teeth have finally decided to make an appearance, leaving us with a slobbering, snotting, and very-fast-to-scream-and-cry-infant. Is it just her teeth or is she getting sick? How are we supposed to figure this out since the little one can't talk? Moms? Not only is she crabby, but I'm crabby, too; with an upset stomach, sore throat, and achy body. Blah.

You might think it's crazy that I'm surprised (again) by how much this little babe has changed my life. The extra care and attention that she needs always takes priority in my mind, but it's a struggle to balance that, while trying to work and maintain the rest of our life. It's so much more of a struggle right now, with all these germs floating around. It's only October. How many more months until spring and good health? Eek. I feel like a bad employee (barely working, very unfocused), an unhealthy person (so much fast food, why do we have a gym membership?), and a shell of the old me. I guess the most important part right now is that I don't feel like a bad mom. Mostly, I think Ellie agrees with me.

participation challenge 1: family traditions

When we were growing up we had a lot of silly traditions. A few that I think of often: Saturday morning chores (complete with personalized task lists by kid), a kid-of-the-week award, being allowed to pick out whatever candy we wanted from the hospital gift-shop after a doctor appointment, "blowing out" the red light on the video camera to turn it off, and our parents singing "who's got the power?!" after we finished watching TV shows and it was time to go to bed. Other traditions related to our birthdays: being able to pick the dinner we wanted and the style of cake that Nanny would make, singing an extra verse on the end of the happy birthday song, and everyone in the family having a tootsie pop (on your real birthday) or a dum-dum lollipop (on your half birthday).

Miss Ellise is a few days shy of the biggest day of her life so far... she's about to celebrate her first half birthday. It has me thinking about what kinds of traditions we should start so when she's out on her own, she can think back fondly of the quirky things that only happened in our family. I can't figure out if these things happen on their own (over time, because it's not like Ellie will remember this one anyways), or if parents decide to plan special things. We've already decided on a few special things that we'll do on all of our birthdays (you'll have to wait til April to hear about those), but I really think celebrating a half-birthday, even with something as small as dum-dum lollipops held up by a wooden bear is super awesome.

So, if you're out there (and I know a few of you are), you can help our family get creative by clicking on the Post a Comment link and explaining some of your favorite childhood traditions. For parents--how did your family traditions start? Did they just sort of happen or did you make a decision to do something silly/special/awesome? In a few days I'll let you know how we marked this spectacular day in baby girl's life.

this is how ellie and i entertained ourselves while waiting for grandpa and daddy to finish their triathlon.

shake it fast!

I've loved dancing for as long as I can remember. I remember when my parents gave me a leotard and tights for Christmas along with my first ever ballet class at the Cleveland School of Dance. Before that, my sister, cousins, friends and I would "choreograph" (read: talk about) dances and shows and perform them on the "stage" (read: bench) in nanny and papa's basement. Thinking back on it now I feel like I was probably always the one that instigated this and dragged others with me. We played "Burnin' Down the House," and "Mousercize" records on their record player and thought we were so freaking cool.

I remember my awesome outfit for the jazz routine in my first recital. There's still a picture of it floating around somewhere. Hot pink. Rainbow Sequins. Silver shoes. Sequin Headband. Hawt.

I remember playing my dad's Cathy Dennis "Move to This" CD over and over again in the living room to practice my moves.

I can still remember so many dances from all my years of classes and cheerleading... to Big Band, Rusted Root, 2 guys banging on pots, pans, and tables (seriously), rainforest sounds, Coolio, U2, REO Speedwagon, the Beastie Boys. Wearing bleach-stained unitards, chevron pants, ballet skirts that my mom sewed for me, anything that my (eccentric) dance teacher could find in bulk at the thrift store.

That was such a big part of my life. I bet my mom and dad can remember a lot of what I'm talking about. I even sucked both of them into dancing at one point or another (mom, just for a class I think; dad, for multiple rehearsals and a public performance!)

Stopping dancing (in high school, when I decided the weekly classes and rehearsals took too much time away from friends and boyfriends) is probably one of the only things I regret in my life. Since I stopped formally dancing, my personal career has continued. Sophomore year of college my roommate and our closest friends choreographed a dance for... ourselves... because... we were bored? and rehearsed for hours a night until the person beneath us complained. In addition to David's and my sometimes nightly dance parties in our living room, I also convinced him to perform a choreographed first dance at our wedding. I convinced a team at work that we should make a video for one of our clients with all of the popular dances commonly done at weddings so that they could practice and participate with their family. Dancing when I was pregnant with Ellie was the thing that made me happiest and made us laugh the most. Really, a pregnant woman dancing is a w e s o m e. In the first few weeks when Ellie was only happy if she was being bounced around, we learned that putting on music and bouncing to the beat makes it so much more tolerable, fun even. You should try it--feeling grumpy? Stuck doing something that you don't want to do? Click this link and shake it fast. You'll feel better.

I hope Ellie loves to dance. I hope she'll ask me to make up shows with her. Maybe she won't want to take classes, but she'll be expected to participate in family dance parties. And hopefully she'll teach me how to dougie.

tummy time in months

As her half birthday approaches, I can't stop myself from looking and thinking back to the beginning. It's unbelievable how much she's changed and how much she's changed my life.

Click on the picture to make it bigger so you can really appreciate her beauty :)

smorgasbord

I didn't forget about this place, but I haven't found the time (or motivation) to hang around here. A few quick updates and a super cute pic of the girl:

• Everyone tells you they grow up so fast, but it's unbelievable to see it happen. It took so long for her to grow and develop during the 40 long weeks of pregnancy, and I didn't realize all the craziness and change that would happen in just the first few months of her life. I can't wait to order invites to her first birthday party. (what up, tiny prints?!)
  
• She's over 5 months old, has her very own high-chair (thanks to a well-planned ebay purchase by dad) and is slightly obsessed with any food that is in her reach. Actually, she's pretty much obsessed with any object that is in or out of her reach and is letting us know by attempting to dive-bomb off our laps in the direction of everything she sees. She's enjoyed avocado and sweet potato meals and thinks both are finger foods.
• She's getting pretty good at sitting up on her own (unless she's practicing her aforementioned dive-bomb technique) and figured out how to roll all the way around which makes her much more mobile than we are ready for. I'm excited for all that is to come, but can't believe our little girl might be thinking about crawling and walking soon?!

• She loves Alden, her feet, when people cough, the remote control, jumping (like crazy!) in her jumperoo, standing up in her walker, napping in our bed, peeing with her diaper off, and clawing the crap out of our faces in the morning.
• David and I are still a little lost and more exhausted/disheveled than I'd like to admit, but I wouldn't change anything. Life is wonderful!
  

my mess

Last night, after Ellie was in bed and I was sitting on the couch enjoying a rootbeer float (they are probably better than you remember) David was marching around the house trying to clean up.

David: "Please don't put your shoes on the kitchen table."
Me: "Why would I put my shoes on the table?"
David: "Exactly, why would you put your shoes on the table?"
Me: ::overcome by uncontrollable laughter::

I've been thinking that I should stray from my usual adorable posts of Ellie pictures to show you a broader view of what our life has become since this beautiful little girl stepped in and took over. Luckily for me I haven't made the time to snap any shots so instead I'll just list a few things that make up our mess.

Me:
Hair=hot mess. It hasn't been cut since... January? I need to order some sort of product that won't congeal on my scalp the morning after a shower. Ellie and I have matching cradle cap.
Sometimes I try to put on mascara. Sometimes it makes me feel better about going to work in the morning. Unfortunately I don't clean it off and it just adds to the bags under my eyes the next day. I look so tired.
My teeth are yellow. Probably has something to do with excessive amounts of Starbucks consumed in the past 4 months.
My lips are so thin. This is only more evident since David and Ellie have luscious lips.
Muscle tone: non-existent.
Clothes: I think I have 2 pairs of non-maternity pants that fit, but they're linen and get too easily wrinkled (when they're balled up on the floor). Sometimes I can find an unwrinkled shirt for work. Sometimes it is even stain free.
I've exercised 3 times since Ellie's been alive.

Kitchen:
Dirty dishes and bottles out the wazoo. Waiting to be loaded into the dishwasher or washed by hand.
A fridge filled with healthy groceries that never get cooked.
Pizza boxes.
Starbucks cups.
Baby toys.
Baby coupons.

Living Room:
Mail.
Bills.
Bras.
Fabric pieces from various half started projects.
A floor that's been swiffered and vacuumed twice since Ellie's been alive. (Ellie is almost 5 months old, and this used to be done on a weekly basis)
Cereal bowls on the floor. (Remnants of Alden's morning treat)
Spoons on any horizontal surface. (For some reason, the spoon is not part of Alden's morning treat and has to be removed so he can get to the cereal bowl..?)
Baby toys.
Baby books.

Bathroom:
Clothes.
Stray hairs. Everywhere. (I've been checking for bald spots since 3 months postpartum)

Ellie's Room:
Old clothes. (Washed and bagged and ready to go... somewhere!)
Baby toys.
I don't even know what's in her completely disorganized closet.

Purple Room:
The rest of the fabric pieces from half finished projects.
Baby toys.

Our Room:
O-M-G. I don't even think I can describe the explosion that occurred on the floor of my side of the room over the last few weeks. My parents might be the only ones that can vouch for how messy I can get. You can't see the floor.

So I started laughing uncontrollably during that conversation last night because in that very instant I realized how completely out of control our life had become. How out of control I had become. I also realized it's all my fault. In an effort to ease my guilt about being away from Ellie during the day and on top of busy busy weeks at work, when I finally get home, I'm completely exhausted with being responsible or self-controlled. The only thing I can find energy for is Miss Ellie (and, yes, making Tiny Prints cards). David, bless his heart, has been trying so hard to keep some sort of cleanliness or healthiness in our lives. He asks me to pick up my clothes, and sometimes even picks them up for me (and then has to deal with me trying to find any of my stuff that he put in the wrong place). He volunteers to run to the grocery or cook any dinner but I'm usually quicker to choose take-out. He pesters me to go to the gym, get a hair cut or go buy new clothes. But when push comes to shove, I'd rather just be with Ellie than doing any of those things. I know I need to get better about this, if only because I want to be a good role model for Ellie and I think it's important for her to know that she should take pride in herself and her belongings. But how do I get there? Suggestions welcome!

swoon!

why can't she wear a tutu everyday?

you know you're a new mom if...

-you consider it a good night's sleep if you sleep for more than 4 continuous hours.
-everything you do revolves around a 3 hour interval.
-you're used to driving in the car with no music because you need to make sure your baby is still breathing in the backseat.
-you consider yourself on time if you're less than 15 minutes late.
-your bedroom floor is covered with each day's failed (read: too small) attempts at looking work-appropriate (or just appropriate, period).
-you think it's okay to talk to people about (your own) tearing, cutting, dripping & pumping
-you think it's okay to talk to people about (your baby's) pooping, puking & miniscule new skill development (she's picking things up!).
-you think starbucks' grande (and venti!) drinks are small.

what else?

i'm heeeeeere!

Even though I could, I'm not going to make this post about the continual struggles of working and managing Ellie... which are only more complicated this week by David's boss' request that he work a few nights in addition to his normal work week...

Instead, I'm proud to announce that we have a new little chatterbox in our house and that our quiet little snugglebug is making her presence known more everyday, filling our lives with a new little personality that is just starting to emerge. Ellie's become quite a little squeal monster lately. It seems like every evening she has one period when no matter what we're doing with her she's squealing in response. She squeals higher and higher each time, a little bit louder every now and again, and it leaves us cracking up. It's so much fun that she's finding her voice. I like to pretend that we're having conversations. She must be communicating something, right?! Sometimes she tells me about her day with the boys at Laura's and other days we make plans for shopping trips. We've been doing our best to capture this on a video, but somehow she stops whenever the camera is around--even if she doesn't see it! She's so in tune, I know.

We were able to spend time with older babies this weekend, and I spent Friday at work learning about typical play development in children. So far, it's been hard for us to realistically see our future with Ellie--we're so wrapped up in diapers! and feeding! and burping! oh my! But after seeing older babies laughing, taking their first steps, and bopping Aldy on the nose, and watching videos of little girls having tea parties ("I need some shuka") and playing with play kitchens I'm starting to think of all the crazy things we have to come. The least of which should be rolling over... and that should be coming soon, right?
Ellie's playful voice, and her newly evidenced frustration with being unable to control her hands the way she wants seem to be the beginnings of her social development. She's already starting to interact more with us and the world and it's crazy fun. She's had her first crush (TT), her first slow dance (Chris) and her first kiss (Nolan!). Someone needs to tell her to slow down.

a text snippet of a too busy monday

sent at 1:40 from the bathroom floor at the clinic while pumping (on our new high-tech android phones, mind you)

David: They're asking me to do a long day tues or weds. Do you think laura would mind? There's not a way around it.
Me: That sucks
Me: Maybe Tuesday would be best
Me: I should be able to work 11-4
Me: I'm worried we shouldn't have a kid...
David: ok, I'm so sorry
Me: I know, today is my worst day
Me: Just started pumping supposed to be in dublin at 2
David: I have to go out in the field right now. we should have a kid, it will all work out
David: xoxoxo
Me: Have done about half of what I'm supposed to
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm still trying to figure out how to balance work and motherhood. It's so sad to drop Ellie off right during her smiley time, and so hard to be overlybookedrushingaround at work trying to get home as early as possible. Every other Monday will be like this and I just need time to breathe...

My days are brightened by positive, productive meetings at work and, mostly by email messages from David, with lovely pics of my Ellie. Here's the one I got today while driving across town to a meeting in a rainstorm, hungry, thirsty, and needing to pump (don't worry, I checked my phone only after I arrived at my destination):
Rejuvenated, my meeting was awesome and now we're all home... and I'm looking forward to a lighter week ahead! Good life, go! ;)

do you love me?

We've recently heard news about 2 young couples we know heading towards divorce. This news leads us to talk about how crazy it is that people could get married and be in love and then a few years later decide divorce is the best option. It doesn't make sense to us now, and I hope it never will.

A book I'm reading details all the craziness that children bring to a marriage. It riddles off facts about the frequency of divorce, unhappiness, separate lives, etc. Our relationship has already changed a lot since Ellie has come into our lives. We spend a lot more time dividing responsibilities instead of tackling everything together. We've seen each other doing and talking about more unattractive things and had a lot less time to try to look attractive for each other. Our kisses and highest energies are spent entertaining our baby girl instead of each other.

It's times when I'm overwhelmed by our messy house, lack of sleep, fast-food dinners, too few showers, and stained clothes that I ask David for some confirmation:

Despite everything that could possibly be considered bad right now, do you love me? Are you still with me?

We haven't made a conscious effort to keep our marriage happy or intact, but I don't doubt that we still love each other more today than we did a year ago. I think subconsciously I've realized that it's in these messy bits that our love seems truest and grows even stronger. I want to make sure David sees that, too. I've taken to confirming our love for Ellie too since she can't point it out to us yet, and in the middle of a sleepless night or rough morning it's important to remember. If she could she would say something like:

Even when I poop on, puke on, and scream at you, you still love me more than anything else in the whole wide world.

I'm sitting here trying to come up with a conclusion for this post, but just decided there isn't one. I wanted to share how happy I am with our life and our family and it's fitting that there's no neat conclusion because it's all kind of a mess. I'm happy enough to know that we're in all of this together and everyday can only get better. For true life.

knock on wood

I started back to work this Monday and was surprised to find it wasn't that bad! I'm super lucky that I have a very flexible schedule in an office filled with young moms, so everyone is very understanding about my struggle with getting back in the swing of things. I'm going to go to work late most days, and will get free days with Ellie as often as my schedule allows. Monday was my long day (12:30-7) and Tuesday was short (10:45-3:30). I'm home today and will just work a few hours tomorrow and Friday. Each week will require more of my time and mental energy, but for now I'm just enjoying seeing my work-kids and getting out of the house.

Lessons from my first days back:

• I like my job!
• Working (especially while not pregnant) is a gazillion times easier than taking care of an infant by yourself all day.
• I feel so much more like a real person when I get dressed AND look in the mirror before I leave the house.
• It's really nice to talk to other adults!
• Kids are so much bigger than infants.
  
• Anything you do is so much easier when you don't have to plan for, pack for, and lug around a baby and tons of baby stuff.
  
• I need to allow myself a little more wiggle time at work instead of trying to come in as late and leave as early as possible. Even though I'd rather be with Ellie, I need to give myself time to eat, pump, and breathe.
• Holding and kissing Ellie after returning home from a day away gives me the most comforting feeling in the world.
  

Ellie seems to be doing okay, too. She was happy both days when I took her over to Laura's. She's even flirting with her youngest son. She's completely off her normal schedule when she's at Laura's and doesn't sleep or eat very well, but falls back in the swing of things once we're home. I'm hoping this gets better as Laura gets to know her more, but for now, I have to be comforted by the fact that she still seems happy when we pick her up, even if she is tired and hungry.

David and I have been reading/thinking/talking a lot about work and life and what's best for Ellie and our family. I'm thankful that David is willing to be involved as Ellie's main caregiver whenever he can and that we've found Ellie a one-on-one nurturing childcare provider. With this childcare set-up, David and I are both able to maintain ourselves outside of our roles as mom and dad, but we're also both making accommodations to spend extra time with Ellie. The best part is that Ellie gets the best care from all 3 of us (Mom, Dad, and Laura) because we're splitting up the responsibility instead of letting the stress run one person down.

I feel a little bit guilty about not feeling bad about returning to work. Given different circumstances (if we won the lottery, say) I might still choose to be a stay-at-home-mom. I also realize that my feelings might change after a few weeks back at work, when the excitement of returning wears off, but for now I'm glad this transition has been worlds better than I expected!

all good things...

Ellie is being tons of fun as I prepare to head back to work next week. I've been spending her naptimes figuring out my work schedule and getting creative about how to cram the biggest amount of productive work into the shortest time away as possible. Her time awake has been spent going to the zoo (looking at her favorite book), flying in a spaceship (trying out a jumperoo that's too big for her), and visiting the ocean (her light-up infant toy). She's all about her hands lately and especially likes chowing down on her fingers. Every once in awhile she'll hold onto a toy or object we hand her or dangle in front of her face and she pulls them right up to her mouth, smooshing them all over her face. She's taken a karate lesson and enjoyed a bollywood dance after watching SYTYCD last night. She's loving her Bumbo, my frizzy hair, and having her toes eaten. She even figured out how to make waking up at 4 in the morning the best thing ever by smiling so big that her paci falls out of her mouth. Today, I think she met her cousin Finn for the first time (they were really looking at each other!). She's almost 3 months old and I am amazed by how much more fun she gets everyday. I'm so glad that I was able to be with her for all of these good things. I'm so excited for the belly laughs that can't be too far off.


This time away from work has been A M A Z I N G. The first two weeks were painful and groggy. The third week was scary and I felt like I had no idea what to do. Weeks 4-6 were restless weeks when I (we) had to get out of the house. Week 10 was spent on shopping sprees. I don't know where the rest of it went. To nummies, poopy dipes, snuggles, kisses, and bounces I guess. It's sad that Ellie won't understand how close we were these first few months of her life until she has kids of her own. Say wha??! Now I'm getting ahead of myself.

So, I'm filled with gratitude for all good things in my life...thanks, baby, for being the coolest thing ever. Thanks, work, for letting me get to know my baby girl. Thanks, mom, for everything you did with me and for me that I'll never remember.

back to work: attempt #1

Today was the day I had scheduled myself a few meetings at work and arranged for Ellie to go to Laura's. We were considering it a trial run; a chance for me to figure out what and how to pack for Ellie, see how it felt to leave her with someone to go to work, and a chance for Laura to spend some one-on-one time with Ellie to see how they fit. The morning went well--I had started packing Ellie's carryout bag a few days ago, had milk and a clean bottle all set, and made sure to get in 2 feedings before dropping her off (an attempt at keeping my milk supply up!). I got myself ready as quickly as possible and think I looked...mostly unkempt! I carried Ellie over to Laura's and (weirdly) as soon as we walked in the door she let out a yelp... I'm assuming she just wasn't psyched about going inside from the bright sun... that makes sense, right? She calmed down right away, I gave her some kisses and handed her to Laura so I could run back to our house to get her bouncer.

I didn't feel bad when I left. I am confident that Laura is giving her plenty of love and attention, but when I got back to our house (30 seconds later) I started crying; it just felt wrong. I shook it off, knowing I would be back in only a few hours and headed to work.

My meeting that was supposed to start at 11 didn't start until 11:45. A regular thing at my office that is so much more annoying now that I have a baby girl I could be spending time with instead. It was hard to focus on work. That's probably partly because I have been out of the swing of things for 10 weeks, and partly because nothing at work will ever matter as much as my daughter. I called to check in after my meeting and Laura told me she had given Ellie half her bottle then she fell asleep... WHAT?! I had to (have to) get over the fact that Laura might not be able to keep Ellie on the schedule we've set up. Ellie always eats a full meal, stays awake for 45-60 minutes, then sleeps for 45-90 minutes before eating again. Other than that Laura said they were both fine and happy, so I continued on to my next meeting (after phonecalls to David and my sister to discuss how hard this is).

As soon as I left I felt like I was in a race to be home. I swear there's never been more traffic. Even waiting for the garage door to go up to pull in seemed to take forever. I left everything in the car and walked over to Laura's instead of going home. Ellie was awake, happy, everything was fine. Laura had given her most of the rest of the bottle, she had slept for about 10 minutes, refused to burp, startled herself awake with gas, listened to piano music, heard a cat meow, watched the kids play a card game, and bounced, a lot. It had only been 4 hours, but it was hard. I had a headache (I hadn't eaten since breakfast and I was super anxious), Ellie was hungry and tired, Alden needed attention, and I was confused about what the rest of my life would be like.

We've decided that it's best for me to keep working; I have a flexible schedule that I have a lot of control over and my benefits were cheaper than what was offered for David. Logically, it makes sense for me (and David) to keep working. It affords us extra income and gives us both a chance to pursue intellectual/social interests. I wasn't prepared for the emotional attachment that came on so quickly and strong with a baby. When I got pregnant I hadn't thought too seriously about what our lives would be like when there was a little person depending on us. I assumed that we'd both be able to work as we were. I saw people at the office doing it, our moms both worked, people do it... people do it alone, it couldn't be that hard, right? It is that hard. This was only one (half) day, and I'm not looking forward to going back. Laura (who stopped working after returning for one week after her first child was born) says she thinks it's instinctual, for a mother to want to be with her kids. It must be, because no matter how many times I go over all the reasons I should and want to work, my heart still aches to think about leaving her everyday. I know I'll go back and I know we'll all be okay, but I'm not giving up on the goal of having Ellie in "substitute care" for as few hours as possible for the first few years of her life. I'm thankful to be able to start this journey with Laura, who is sympathetic and willing to cater to all of our needs, but I know that David and I have the most to offer our daughter and more than that, I know she has more to offer us than any job we'll ever find.

growing pains

In the morning baby girl and I went over to hang out with the family that will be watching her when I return to work. We see Laura frequently when we're walking in our neighborhood, and every time we give her the positive (and truthful!) report on Ellie: "She really only fusses when she's hungry or tired," "You always know when she's pooping," "She puts herself to sleep if you leave her alone in her bouncer," "Loud noises don't bother her," etc. Ellie and I have fallen into a pretty calm schedule at home and she's done well with other adults when we visit family or I visit work so I really didn't have many concerns.

Ellie had a full belly and was wide-awake during her normal smiley time. Laura picked her up and she made her rare, but extremely heartbreaking pout-y face before she started wailing.

Ellie barely ever cries. We've only seen tears on her cheeks twice in all her two months. In only a few minutes she had wipe-able tears. Laura seems to be the sweetest woman in the world and was really worried that Ellie was already super attached to me and not ready to hang out with other people. I tried my best to convince her that I don't think that's true, told her the things Ellie likes (bouncing! windows! kissy faces!), and tried not to intervene. Laura took Ellie outside to walk around, look at trees, and learn about cement trucks while I hung out with her son and mom. Ellie calmed down about 15 minutes later. Shortly after that we found out the reason she was fussing was because she was working on a poop! After Laura changed her diaper, Ellie was more than happy to play with her hair and return her baby talk and smiles. I think that made us all feel better. I'll take her back next week for a short trial run while I go to a quick work meeting, and we'll probably try to spend some more time there in the next few weeks so that Ellie and Laura have more time to adjust to each other.

If we were good parents you would think that would be the only stress we'd put on the bambino for one day. Instead, it happened to be time for Ellie's 2 month check-up complete with multiple shots. I'm so thankful David is still the kind of dad that is willing to leave work to help out when he can, so he came home from work, got all dressed up in a hot dad outfit and we headed to the doctor. The appointment was great. The shots were not.

She hung out with David since I was already too anxious. I jokingly told him I was going to take her shopping after the shots instead of feeding her so that she would learn to buy stuff instead of eat when she is unhappy. David suggested we go for a walk instead. David started singing her songs about birds and trees as we waited for the nurse. I told him to be careful or she'd always associate birds and trees with bad things. He changed to singing about race cars, messy houses, and bad breath. She got three shots and screamed more than she ever has before. When she was done I snuggled her and we sang to her. It took about 10 minutes for her to calm down and fall fast asleep. That probably doesn't sound that bad if you haven't gone through it with your own kid, but since we've barely seen her upset to this point, it was torture for us!

I know there are lots of difficult things coming up in her life... more shots and dropping her off at daycare are only the beginning. She's a little more hungry and a bit more fussy, but we're all doing okay tonight; just getting in extra snuggles whenever we can.

P.S. Anyone know if you're allowed to take pics in the doctor's office???

success!

Ta Da!!! Big accomplishment this weekend--we made it through our first out of town trip!

We got off to a later start than expected, still made all of the planned stops (3 before 1:00pm!), fed Ellie all of her necessary meals, partied for her cousin-to-be, and introduced her to so many new people without too much crying! When she started getting fussy in the car she calmed down well enough when we played her favorite reggae song by her boy Ziggy Marley. She also received the best gift ever from her Great Grandpa Strong. More on that later...

We remembered everything we needed (except for my swimsuit). A short list to look back on for baby's next excursion: tons of diapers, wipes, diaper cream, blankets, washcloths, bags, extra clothes, paci, clean/dirty clothing bags, bottle, cooler, pump, Miracle Blanket and Boppy.

Ellie only needed one outfit each day (me too!)--no explosions or leakage! She only cried when she was hungry, tired, or Uncle Andy's bearded face got too close ;). While it was stressful or complicated at times, we were able to plan well enough to keep Ellie pretty close to her usual schedule and still spend quality time with everyone we needed to see.

When we got back Sunday afternoon I was feeling so proud of ourselves and our baby girl, and so lucky that we have so much wonderful in our lives. I have to admit, my happiness probably also had something to do with the fact that we slept in til 10:00 while Grandma hung out with Ellie. The world does look brighter through rested eyes! My mood wasn't even deterred when we came home to a dirty house, flooded patio, and clogged drain. I'm sure traveling, meeting new people, and visiting friends and family will get easier with time and experience. It is so awesome to share our baby girl with people we love. We left Alden home this trip, thankful that Uncle TT was able to watch him while we were gone. We wouldn't have been able to do what we did if he was in the car with us. That will be the next challenge... When we got home, Aldy and I went on a date to the pet store to get the new dog food that he loves and eats (thanks, Bella) and a rawhide. Hopefully that made it up to him.

she got it

Ellie and I went shopping yesterday afternoon. So far, she doesn't look very much like me. She has her daddy's lips, nose, and probably eyes, but there have been a few things we've noticed that must come from my genes. Her reaction to her daddy's endless kisses, for example, is very similar to mine. She also has the chubbiest (and cutest) baby thighs ever and we definitely can't attribute those to David. We have also shared the same beautiful milk/spit-up/slobber stained look for the past 2 months. I tried to make an effort yesterday before heading to the mall. This included pulling my hair down out of a ponytail and putting on a bra and deodorant. Big deal! I know I didn't look good but I was sure I was presentable. I was wrong.

After browsing around a few stores (and, yes, talking to a few salespeople) I went to try on some clothes. Walked into the dressing room, looked in the mirror and realized that my shirt had giant milk stains in front of both boobs. I shouldn't have been surprised to see the stains; I was wearing the same shirt I wore to bed the night before and pretty much every piece of clothing that's been worn over the past 2 months is stained in one way or another. All I could do at that point was laugh at myself, and use it as more motivation to buy some new clothes that fit my new (current) body.

David and I don't spend much time bothering with our physical appearance. With a few exceptions (ahem, wool clothing) we don't worry too much about the clothes we have or don't have, I don't usually wear make-up, David usually has something colorful in his teeth, and it's a lucky day if I remember to pluck my eyebrows or that one dark hair growing out of my chin (I think I get this from my Nanny!). We love each other despite all of this, including all of this but we'll both admit that we frequently feel ugly, unattractive, or unprepared in different situations. I hope Ellie learns from us that looks aren't everything, but I also hope that she'll be confident and secure enough in herself to feel beautiful and comfortable in every situation she finds herself in--something that her dad and I still struggle with. I want her to know that she is beautiful, just the way she is.

family matters

We don't have much family living in the same city as us, but we've been lucky enough to have family willing to cross the state of Ohio pretty much every weekend to see baby girl. This weekend marked Ellie's first slumber party at our house. Nanny, Jagee, Uncle TT, Uncle D, and Chubbs all spent the night. Ellie was a champ, with no issues falling asleep, and no crying once she was wrapped in her Miracle Blanket. Mommy and Daddy stayed up later than necessary watching a movie that wasn't that worth it, but got to bed around midnight. Stupidly, we ignored the dogs before we went to bed which meant that they hadn't been outside since around 7:00. Woops. As we went to sleep I said to David, "Do you ever think there have been 7 people and 2 dogs sleeping in this house before?"

Somehow, barely (and thanks to the concessions of everyone!) we made it work. Uncle TT had the "guestroom" as he's been staying with us for the past few weeks. Ellie's room converted into a room for Nanny and Jagee, filled with the air mattress from wall to wall. Uncle D slept on the couch in the living room. Baby did great. The dogs were not so awesome, but not too bad either. It was our fault they needed to go outside at 4:00 in the morning to relieve themselves. Alden's never too happy to sleep when he has friends over, so the early morning hours were spent wrestling with him, trying to convince him to stay in bed. Ultimately, we made it til 6:45, when we released the dogs, fed Ellie, then handed her off to her grandparents while we slept in til 9:15. Nice work, family!

I've always struggled with hosting people at our house. It's small, usually too hot (in the summer) or too cold (in the winter), we don't have cable, there's only one bathroom (as of now), and no mudroom or closet to store most of our messes. Since we've chosen to live away from most of our family but we want our family to be part of our lives, it's important to make people feel as comfortable as possible here. At 5:45 this morning, I wasn't so happy with this situation, but waking up at 9:15 to Nanny, Jagee, and Uncle D lined up in front of Ellie's changing table making and watching her smile, every frustration went away. I'll put up with no sleep, annoying dogs, and mess on top of mess to know my baby girl is growing up with all the love in the world. I hope our family feels the same.

priorities

I admit, I used to be the pickiest, most demanding eater in the world. Luckily, David was incredibly relaxed and always content to let me plan our meals so we never had any problems. I pretty much decided what I wanted to eat and when, and he was happy enough to go along with it. In addition to my demanding relationship with food, I can also admit that I had quite a few demanding rituals or preferences related to food that also impacted our everyday life.

I tried to cook meals as fast as possible using as few utensils as possible (generally works great except for that one time chicken velvet soup congealed to the bottom of the pot and the numerous times I've scorched frozen chicken trying to heat it up too fast). I had very little patience for David's attempts to cook meals. Even though his meals usually turned out great, I couldn't stand to watch him cook. Why didn't he put the pot of water on for the pasta before chopping up vegetables?!

I also had a well-established grocery store routine that involved fully planning our dinners for the week to best optimize ingredients and grocery shopping as efficiently as possible, rarely forgetting anything we needed. I wouldn't dare send David to the grocery store without a list and even then he typically came home without one of the items on the list. Could David have succesfully done our grocery shopping? Absolutely, but it wouldn't have been fast enough for me. And how could he get that brand of salt and vinegar potato chips?

Yesterday I asked David to stop at the grocery store after work. I had tried to make a pasta dinner the night before and realized only after having put the water on to boil that we didn't have enough pasta. Oops. So David was supposed to get pasta, feta cheese, spinach, decaf coffee and a "good creamer." I was rounding the bend of taking care of Ellie by myself for the day, looking forward to when David would be home to burp her after I fed her, change poopy diapers, and otherwise enjoy our little girl. I love being with her and getting to know her, but I absolutely appreciate and am ready for the help at the end of his workday. He left work at 4:00--he didn't get home until 4:50. Granted, he biked to work (and thus, the grocery store) but that still seemed like a long time (maybe only to me). When he could tell that I as bummed about it (or maybe I whined about it...) he told me that he stood there for a long time trying to pick out a "good creamer." He had tried to call a few times, but I was with Ellie without my phone. So he took a long time waiting for me to call back and, I guess, contemplating what would make for a "good creamer."

I understand his concern. A year ago, if he came home with French Vanilla instead of Vanilla Caramel, I would have asked "Why'd you get French Vanilla?" expecting him to realize his "mistake." He would have felt bad that he didn't live up to my ritualistic expectations. I've been lucky to have a man that will do just about anything (except for ballroom dance) to make me happy. I'm sure David could recall many more of my overly-demanding personality quirks, and I love him for putting up with them. These are the things that used to shape our everyday life, but everything is different now. I don't care what I eat or when. Efficiency and planning have flown out the window. We're lucky enough to have a pretty mellow baby, but our lives still revolve around her. I've looked at my maternity leave from work as a chance to take care of our daughter, not myself (this is obvious if you've seen me in the past 7 weeks as, yes I'm still wearing the same sweatpants). Now Ellie is the one who should get the benefits of her dad's thoughtfulness. It's all about Ellie and she's more important than the right kind of creamer. But I still appreciated the Sugar Babies!

He did get home in time to enjoy this:
Chunk of Love <3

things we like

Ellie has been more fussy between 9 and 11 pm the past few nights. While we'd rather be watching Dancing with the Stars, she has other interests.

Things she loves:

• Laying on her changing pad and staring out the window
• Staring out any window
• Staring at any light
• Staring at anything bright
• Listening and dancing to music (Ke$ha is a fav, to Dad's disappointment)
• Kissy faces

Things we love:

• Our baby girl, even when she's fussy
  

sunday morning love

embracing baby girl

i don't think i ever realized or fully understood what was happening inside my body during my pregnancy. i looked different and felt tickles and pushes inside my belly. i saw pictures of baby girl and tried to plan for her arrival. i KNEW there was a baby at the end of 40 weeks, but i don't think i ever really believed it or understood how it would all happen.

all throughout the pregnancy i felt anxious. i worried that i was eating the wrong foods or taking the wrong vitamin. i had probably gained too much weight and i didn't take the time to make myself look (or feel) good. no amount of positive doctors' appointments or confirmations of body parts at ultrasounds made me feel confident that things were okay. i worried about everything from whether she'd have a wacky combination of david's chin and my nose to if she'd have some type of chronic illness. i postponed so much of my excitement because i was scared something might go wrong.

baby girl came early thursday morning after we were sent to labor & delivery to be induced because of concerns about my blood pressure and her heartrate at a weekly appointment. i had imagined what it would be like when she was finally here and placed on my chest. i imagined i would be overwhelmed with happiness and look from her to david, amazed at what we had done. instead, they put her on my chest and i was still consumed with worry. she was barely making any noises; she definitely wasn't screaming, she looked blue. i just kept asking the doctors and nurses: "is she okay?" "why isn't she crying?" "is something wrong?" the nurse, doctor, and david repeatedly assured me she was fine. they took her over to the warmer and david stood next to her, telling me how she was cuddling her face up to his hand, how her long toes were grasping his fingers, how she had a death-grip on the nurse's hand. everything was fine.

we cuddled and loved baby girl in the hospital for the next day and a half. we had more visitors than i ever imagined--family and friends that came to welcome baby girl and family that hung around to clean our house, cook us dinner, and otherwise take care of all of our needs. the amount of well-wishes from the corners of our little world were overwhelming. we finally gave her a name when she was 33 hours old. we dressed her in her first real outfit and drove her home to meet aldy. we shared her during the days and took care of her during the nights. there are so many pictures i just look at over and over again.

we fell in love with the most perfect thing i never could have imagined.

she had her first doctor's appointment this morning and i was again, anxious. i held back tears in the waiting room, but cried as we waited for the doctor. i was crazy to think that my worries and anxieties would fall away after i saw her--they're only going to get worse!

it's going to be the most challenging thing in my life to stop worrying about all of the possible problems and issues that might come up during the rest of her life. it's something that i want and need to focus on. she is the most beautiful thing i've ever seen and i don't want to miss out on any of her awesomeness because i'm worried something might happen. things will happen. we'll deal with them as well as we know how. i'll love her more than i ever thought possible, and we'll have fun and smiles every day.