uncertain

We finally had our 15 week doctor's appointment today! The months between these first 3 appointments have really seemed to drag on. I was really looking forward to today because I appreciated the assurance after the first time I heard the heartbeat--yes! there really is a baby growing inside me, complete with a heartbeat.

As we were walking into the office we passed a very pregnant woman walking out. I don't know how I'll be able to get to (or deal with) that point. I feel like I'm already as big as I can stand. One day at a time...

The appointment was quick and uneventful. The doctor answered some of my concerns about diseases that I might have been exposed to, asked if I was feeling better, and then listened to the heartbeat.

I got so nervous when she put the thing on my belly and didn't instantly hear anything. I instantly start thinking please find it please find it. After a little searching we could hear a distant, repetitive squelch--that's the best way I can describe it. The doctor looked up at me and smiled as soon as she found it. D put his hand on my foot. I immediately ask "Does it sound right?" She timed the beats on her watch for a few seconds and assured me that it sounded great, about 140 beats per minute. It wasn't nearly as loud as the last one. She had some rationale for that when I mentioned it, but I felt even better later when a coworker reminded me that maybe the speaker wasn't turned up as loud as last time.

We heard a few "fwhaps" above the heartbeat that the doctor tried to convince us were kicks. The best part of the appointment was when D re-enacted the kicks that would match the sound that we heard in the elevator on our way out. Karate kicks for sure. We don't know if it's a boy or girl, but I think we have a little ninja!

happenings

In the middle of all the confusion about what to do with our lives we decided to stop preventing baby making... soon after, we found out that the next step was decided for us and we were going to have a baby!

The first 3 months have been filled with nervousness, nausea, and disbelief. As each day passes I feel a little better about how things are going. Really, I'm just counting down the days to the monthly doctor's appointment, hoping that she can give me some sort of confirmation or reassurance, which will probably never be enough. Even in the midst of thoughts about everything that could happen or go wrong, my mind is settled by the knowledge that this baby will be really, really loved by me, my husband, our friends and families.