Saturday, October 25, 2008

discomfort

I think I was a pretty sociable person in middle school. My interest in establishing new relationships has definitely been overshadowed more and more by my discomfort in new and out-of-my-control situations. Deep down, I know I still crave true close friends and want strong relationships with family. That kind of relationship only grows from time and effort. I want to be the person that meets friends for lunch, invites family over for dinner, enjoys a leisurely conversation with the neighbor, celebrates birthdays, special events, and just "hangs."

I'm not that person. I'm very opposite that person. I like forethought and planning. I like to figure out the most efficient way to spend my days (accomplish the most amount of stuff in the least amount of time with the least inconvenience). I like to know what I'm eating for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a treat. I like to know the precise amount of time it will take for me to get from here to there (you don't need to stop to pee!). I like to be in control. When I feel I'm in control, I am comfortable. When I am immersed in a group of people that have no reason to yield to my quirky preferences and GTD necessities, I am uncomfortable!

[you want to meet for dinner tonight? sorry, i have already planned our meal, written it on the dry erase board, bought the groceries, and been thinking about it all day]

So, a BYO-everything dinner party at a semi-co-worker's house with no established ending time overwhelms me a little bit. I know I have to go because my husband wants to go. He enjoys (and thrives at) meeting new people, finding common interests, and sharing information in a comfortable, laid-back way. I know I have to go because I weasel my way out of most of the very few invitations we receive. D knows my discomfort in these situations, so he gives me a start time and end time for the affair. I still drag my feet, take a little too long to get ready and we show up a little later than planned.

We are the second ones there. We share cookies and appetizers. I am relieved when I learn that the other guest is interesting enough to carry the conversation. Is he looking at me like I'm crazy? More people we know arrive. I find an out of the way spot in the center of everything, lean against the wall. Try not to cross my arms. I make eye contact, smile, and nod. I try to contribute to the conversation but it never seems quite right. I try not to try too hard, relax. I tell myself not to look at my watch. These are interesting people. I don't need to be doing anything else. Our planned departure time comes, and while the party is winding down and I'm ready to go, D is the one that initiates leaving. I don't feel like I need to get out of there. I probably don't want to stay, but I don't NEED to get of there.

Nothing extraordinary happened tonight. Nothing extraordinary usually happens when I force myself to partake in less-preferred activities, but I'm glad that I went. I'm glad that I'm learning more about my issues with socialization and not totally giving up on it! There are so many interesting people in the world. So many things that you'd never expect in others. Being around new people makes me excited to just be comfortable being myself and sharing myself with others. So, I'm learning....

And I should probably start drinking alcohol again.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

ohyea! ohyea!

That is the victory cry of a satisfied woman! I feel like I actually USED my time today! For the past few days I've been trying to tell myself that I have to pick 3 things to complete each day. Sure, I've gotten stuff done (exercise, grocery store, dinners, puppy time, showers!), but I've not really gone out of my way to tackle projects that have been on my mind.

Tonight I can proudly report my 3 things for Thursday:

1. I cleaned out our fridge. I don't just mean I removed expired, moldy, and suspiciously congealed substances (I did that, too), but I CLEANED out our fridge. Took out the drawers, used soap and water, rearranged the shelves, and put the food back purposefully (most frequently used condiments on the top shelf, one side-drawer of tomato products, etc.). It was disgusting (not surprisingly as we haven't cleaned it at all since we've lived here...) and now it is mostly pretty clean and that makes me happy.

2. When I was in high school, Papa taught me that after you finished one coat of paint in a room, you could store the roller and brushes in a plastic bag in the refrigerator to keep it moist before you use it again. I love that I don't have to clean out rollers and brushes immediately following a painting project. I love it so much that I just stored 2 rollers and 3 brushes in the fridge for most of a year! So, I cleaned out the fridge, and followed that up by cleaning out our paint supplies. To continue the trend I washed our laundry tub and! I cleaned out the lint trap!

3. A long time ago I heard that you could substitute avocado for the fat in baking recipes. I've been meaning to try it, but never have. Cookies taste just fine with butter, thank you! But tonight I made our newly found "Peanut Butter Surprise" recipe with 1/2 butter and 1/2 avocado (baby steps). The cookies turned out a little differently than most cookies, but they're not green, they don't taste like guacamole, and they turned out. They just seem to taste a bit healthier. So you can eat 3-5 cookies and not feel so bad about it!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

a good laugh

I had a couple of down days so far this week. Husband was out of town, work was less-than-exciting, and I was having a hard time getting/staying motivated to do much of anything. I think I still have some figuring out to do as to my general disinterest in everything over the past few days--but wanted to quickly report that tonight we laughed so hard and so happily at a little incident during one of our almost nightly dance parties in the living room!

Unfortunately, when we were attempting a pretty fly and too advanced move, I kicked husband in the head! This happened immediately after he said, (tapping on my foot) "Don't kick me with this foot." So... he is okay, and we had a great laugh--the can't catch your breath-face hurts-you know you look really goofy kind of laugh and it was fun. And it was fun to realize in the middle of it that we were being silly and crazy, and to let myself continue to feel that because it's what life is about!

Monday, October 13, 2008

Simple Silly

I spend a lot of time driving for work, and in the last year have tuned my car-radio almost completely to NPR or other talk-radio. I love listening to "my programs," and if I'm ever accompanied on a car ride by someone who doesn't place the same importance on hearing all of the commentary on most of the stories (husband), I've been known to cut them off or ignore them completely. Even though I may only catch bits of news and information, I still think it's a somewhat "productive" way to spend my car time.

Today, my cautious little ford escort got a little crazy. I was grumpy (it's Monday, after all), and while I was driving I decided to flip back to popular radio AND, get this: roll my window down (!) Cue the "bum-bum-beedum-bum-bum-beedum-dum" song and wind blowing through my hair...well, at least my car. I was surprised by how fun this was; it reminded me of feelings I had driving home from high school, and it was hard not to smile (and/or laugh at myself)!

Attempt to sing the words of a song that you don't really know and rock the most advanced driver-seat moves you've got and you have a plan to shake the Monday Morning Blues...(until they play a downer song or go to a commercial break).

Bonus points if you can get another driver to join you!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

What Do I Want???

It’s such a silly (and impossible) question, but coming from a family of people that have had the same careers since as long as I can remember, I feel like it’s a decision I need to make—and stick to, soon. My parents have both been employed in their respective fields for over 30 years. I think they both enjoy their work, but I can’t say I’m convinced that it is what they were meant to do. Thankfully, they have found other outlets for their talents. Amazingly, they have found time to maintain and explore their other talents despite working full-time, being active members in our community, taking care of their parents, and raising 4 children.

I worry that my parents demonstrate some super-human ability to give attention and care to everyone and everything around them. Maybe it’s not a super-human ability, but it’s something that I still haven’t figured out yet. In the past, I have been passionate about many things. When I find things I care about, I fully dedicate myself to them, and put in whatever effort needs to be made to get things done. In recent years, most of my passion has been absorbed in my job as an ABA therapist for children with autism; whatever energy is left has been spent painting and re-painting our house. And that’s where it stops. [pause for a few minutes to make sure I can’t think of anything else that I’ve been pursuing…] My parents have been able to give the necessary energy to their professions, exercise regularly, maintain close relationships with their family, pursue hobbies of photography, painting, woodworking and more, and create and uphold a yard you’d expect to see in magazines.

I really do love my job (and usually don’t think of it as a “job,” which is nice), but there are other things that I would like to be a central part of my life. I want to reach out to friends and family and make them feel good about life, I want to have a strong and growing relationship with my husband, I want to love our house, our yard, I want to be a part of our community, I want to earn demanding physical, emotional, and artistic accomplishments, and I want to stop wondering “What do I want to do with my life?” and just know that I’ll just be doing it everyday.

Jumping on the blog-wagon probably won't resolve my questions, but I hope it will serve as motivation to think about thoughts and try new things that usually get pushed out by my day-to-day activities. Hopefully this is the first of many endeavors in the coming months that will help me refocus my life on my self and all the experiences, people, and activities that make me happy to be around.