discomfort

I think I was a pretty sociable person in middle school. My interest in establishing new relationships has definitely been overshadowed more and more by my discomfort in new and out-of-my-control situations. Deep down, I know I still crave true close friends and want strong relationships with family. That kind of relationship only grows from time and effort. I want to be the person that meets friends for lunch, invites family over for dinner, enjoys a leisurely conversation with the neighbor, celebrates birthdays, special events, and just "hangs."

I'm not that person. I'm very opposite that person. I like forethought and planning. I like to figure out the most efficient way to spend my days (accomplish the most amount of stuff in the least amount of time with the least inconvenience). I like to know what I'm eating for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a treat. I like to know the precise amount of time it will take for me to get from here to there (you don't need to stop to pee!). I like to be in control. When I feel I'm in control, I am comfortable. When I am immersed in a group of people that have no reason to yield to my quirky preferences and GTD necessities, I am uncomfortable!

[you want to meet for dinner tonight? sorry, i have already planned our meal, written it on the dry erase board, bought the groceries, and been thinking about it all day]

So, a BYO-everything dinner party at a semi-co-worker's house with no established ending time overwhelms me a little bit. I know I have to go because my husband wants to go. He enjoys (and thrives at) meeting new people, finding common interests, and sharing information in a comfortable, laid-back way. I know I have to go because I weasel my way out of most of the very few invitations we receive. D knows my discomfort in these situations, so he gives me a start time and end time for the affair. I still drag my feet, take a little too long to get ready and we show up a little later than planned.

We are the second ones there. We share cookies and appetizers. I am relieved when I learn that the other guest is interesting enough to carry the conversation. Is he looking at me like I'm crazy? More people we know arrive. I find an out of the way spot in the center of everything, lean against the wall. Try not to cross my arms. I make eye contact, smile, and nod. I try to contribute to the conversation but it never seems quite right. I try not to try too hard, relax. I tell myself not to look at my watch. These are interesting people. I don't need to be doing anything else. Our planned departure time comes, and while the party is winding down and I'm ready to go, D is the one that initiates leaving. I don't feel like I need to get out of there. I probably don't want to stay, but I don't NEED to get of there.

Nothing extraordinary happened tonight. Nothing extraordinary usually happens when I force myself to partake in less-preferred activities, but I'm glad that I went. I'm glad that I'm learning more about my issues with socialization and not totally giving up on it! There are so many interesting people in the world. So many things that you'd never expect in others. Being around new people makes me excited to just be comfortable being myself and sharing myself with others. So, I'm learning....

And I should probably start drinking alcohol again.