knock on wood

I started back to work this Monday and was surprised to find it wasn't that bad! I'm super lucky that I have a very flexible schedule in an office filled with young moms, so everyone is very understanding about my struggle with getting back in the swing of things. I'm going to go to work late most days, and will get free days with Ellie as often as my schedule allows. Monday was my long day (12:30-7) and Tuesday was short (10:45-3:30). I'm home today and will just work a few hours tomorrow and Friday. Each week will require more of my time and mental energy, but for now I'm just enjoying seeing my work-kids and getting out of the house.

Lessons from my first days back:

• I like my job!
• Working (especially while not pregnant) is a gazillion times easier than taking care of an infant by yourself all day.
• I feel so much more like a real person when I get dressed AND look in the mirror before I leave the house.
• It's really nice to talk to other adults!
• Kids are so much bigger than infants.
  
• Anything you do is so much easier when you don't have to plan for, pack for, and lug around a baby and tons of baby stuff.
  
• I need to allow myself a little more wiggle time at work instead of trying to come in as late and leave as early as possible. Even though I'd rather be with Ellie, I need to give myself time to eat, pump, and breathe.
• Holding and kissing Ellie after returning home from a day away gives me the most comforting feeling in the world.
  

Ellie seems to be doing okay, too. She was happy both days when I took her over to Laura's. She's even flirting with her youngest son. She's completely off her normal schedule when she's at Laura's and doesn't sleep or eat very well, but falls back in the swing of things once we're home. I'm hoping this gets better as Laura gets to know her more, but for now, I have to be comforted by the fact that she still seems happy when we pick her up, even if she is tired and hungry.

David and I have been reading/thinking/talking a lot about work and life and what's best for Ellie and our family. I'm thankful that David is willing to be involved as Ellie's main caregiver whenever he can and that we've found Ellie a one-on-one nurturing childcare provider. With this childcare set-up, David and I are both able to maintain ourselves outside of our roles as mom and dad, but we're also both making accommodations to spend extra time with Ellie. The best part is that Ellie gets the best care from all 3 of us (Mom, Dad, and Laura) because we're splitting up the responsibility instead of letting the stress run one person down.

I feel a little bit guilty about not feeling bad about returning to work. Given different circumstances (if we won the lottery, say) I might still choose to be a stay-at-home-mom. I also realize that my feelings might change after a few weeks back at work, when the excitement of returning wears off, but for now I'm glad this transition has been worlds better than I expected!