back to work: attempt #1

Today was the day I had scheduled myself a few meetings at work and arranged for Ellie to go to Laura's. We were considering it a trial run; a chance for me to figure out what and how to pack for Ellie, see how it felt to leave her with someone to go to work, and a chance for Laura to spend some one-on-one time with Ellie to see how they fit. The morning went well--I had started packing Ellie's carryout bag a few days ago, had milk and a clean bottle all set, and made sure to get in 2 feedings before dropping her off (an attempt at keeping my milk supply up!). I got myself ready as quickly as possible and think I looked...mostly unkempt! I carried Ellie over to Laura's and (weirdly) as soon as we walked in the door she let out a yelp... I'm assuming she just wasn't psyched about going inside from the bright sun... that makes sense, right? She calmed down right away, I gave her some kisses and handed her to Laura so I could run back to our house to get her bouncer.

I didn't feel bad when I left. I am confident that Laura is giving her plenty of love and attention, but when I got back to our house (30 seconds later) I started crying; it just felt wrong. I shook it off, knowing I would be back in only a few hours and headed to work.

My meeting that was supposed to start at 11 didn't start until 11:45. A regular thing at my office that is so much more annoying now that I have a baby girl I could be spending time with instead. It was hard to focus on work. That's probably partly because I have been out of the swing of things for 10 weeks, and partly because nothing at work will ever matter as much as my daughter. I called to check in after my meeting and Laura told me she had given Ellie half her bottle then she fell asleep... WHAT?! I had to (have to) get over the fact that Laura might not be able to keep Ellie on the schedule we've set up. Ellie always eats a full meal, stays awake for 45-60 minutes, then sleeps for 45-90 minutes before eating again. Other than that Laura said they were both fine and happy, so I continued on to my next meeting (after phonecalls to David and my sister to discuss how hard this is).

As soon as I left I felt like I was in a race to be home. I swear there's never been more traffic. Even waiting for the garage door to go up to pull in seemed to take forever. I left everything in the car and walked over to Laura's instead of going home. Ellie was awake, happy, everything was fine. Laura had given her most of the rest of the bottle, she had slept for about 10 minutes, refused to burp, startled herself awake with gas, listened to piano music, heard a cat meow, watched the kids play a card game, and bounced, a lot. It had only been 4 hours, but it was hard. I had a headache (I hadn't eaten since breakfast and I was super anxious), Ellie was hungry and tired, Alden needed attention, and I was confused about what the rest of my life would be like.

We've decided that it's best for me to keep working; I have a flexible schedule that I have a lot of control over and my benefits were cheaper than what was offered for David. Logically, it makes sense for me (and David) to keep working. It affords us extra income and gives us both a chance to pursue intellectual/social interests. I wasn't prepared for the emotional attachment that came on so quickly and strong with a baby. When I got pregnant I hadn't thought too seriously about what our lives would be like when there was a little person depending on us. I assumed that we'd both be able to work as we were. I saw people at the office doing it, our moms both worked, people do it... people do it alone, it couldn't be that hard, right? It is that hard. This was only one (half) day, and I'm not looking forward to going back. Laura (who stopped working after returning for one week after her first child was born) says she thinks it's instinctual, for a mother to want to be with her kids. It must be, because no matter how many times I go over all the reasons I should and want to work, my heart still aches to think about leaving her everyday. I know I'll go back and I know we'll all be okay, but I'm not giving up on the goal of having Ellie in "substitute care" for as few hours as possible for the first few years of her life. I'm thankful to be able to start this journey with Laura, who is sympathetic and willing to cater to all of our needs, but I know that David and I have the most to offer our daughter and more than that, I know she has more to offer us than any job we'll ever find.