symptoms

a list of things i've experienced over the past 22 weeks:

nausea
gas
heartburn
heightened gag reflex
forgetfulness
backache
trouble sleeping
aversion to certain foods (city barbecue and chipotle)
achy feet
giant boobs
extra hair
headaches
blurred vision

sounds like fun, eh?

:)

trying to get excited

I'm so excited that I'm getting close to my 18th week of pregnancy... which in my little pregnancy planner translates to the start of the fifth month. That seems legit, which is exciting, but I'm still having a hard time letting myself be super excited. I'm definitely larger and rounder, but maybe not totally "showing" (unless you know I'm pregnant), I haven't felt the baby move, we don't know if it's a boy or a girl, and it just seems like there is soooo much more waiting time until this is actually real.

D has been super hyped on wool clothing lately, so he recently bought some wool baby booties... there are 2 pairs of gender-neutral baby shorts (given to us by an awesome friend) and a diaper bag (made by my mom) hidden in the closet in the potential nursery along with the booties. That's as far as we've gone with letting this avocado-sized parasite take up space in our house. I'm hoping that once we have an ultrasound in a few weeks and (hopefully!) find out what kind of parts it has it will be easy to go baby crazy and plan everything for the last few months!

uncertain

We finally had our 15 week doctor's appointment today! The months between these first 3 appointments have really seemed to drag on. I was really looking forward to today because I appreciated the assurance after the first time I heard the heartbeat--yes! there really is a baby growing inside me, complete with a heartbeat.

As we were walking into the office we passed a very pregnant woman walking out. I don't know how I'll be able to get to (or deal with) that point. I feel like I'm already as big as I can stand. One day at a time...

The appointment was quick and uneventful. The doctor answered some of my concerns about diseases that I might have been exposed to, asked if I was feeling better, and then listened to the heartbeat.

I got so nervous when she put the thing on my belly and didn't instantly hear anything. I instantly start thinking please find it please find it. After a little searching we could hear a distant, repetitive squelch--that's the best way I can describe it. The doctor looked up at me and smiled as soon as she found it. D put his hand on my foot. I immediately ask "Does it sound right?" She timed the beats on her watch for a few seconds and assured me that it sounded great, about 140 beats per minute. It wasn't nearly as loud as the last one. She had some rationale for that when I mentioned it, but I felt even better later when a coworker reminded me that maybe the speaker wasn't turned up as loud as last time.

We heard a few "fwhaps" above the heartbeat that the doctor tried to convince us were kicks. The best part of the appointment was when D re-enacted the kicks that would match the sound that we heard in the elevator on our way out. Karate kicks for sure. We don't know if it's a boy or girl, but I think we have a little ninja!

happenings

In the middle of all the confusion about what to do with our lives we decided to stop preventing baby making... soon after, we found out that the next step was decided for us and we were going to have a baby!

The first 3 months have been filled with nervousness, nausea, and disbelief. As each day passes I feel a little better about how things are going. Really, I'm just counting down the days to the monthly doctor's appointment, hoping that she can give me some sort of confirmation or reassurance, which will probably never be enough. Even in the midst of thoughts about everything that could happen or go wrong, my mind is settled by the knowledge that this baby will be really, really loved by me, my husband, our friends and families.

the early bird

I woke up at 6:00 this morning and went right to the gym! I've been fighting with myself over this every morning this week-and on and off for the past long while-and today the good part of me finally won.

Work has been wholly unsatisfying lately; partly because my cases are not ready for me to take over, and partly because my "new job" might just be less satisfying than I'd care to admit. D and I are in a weird sort of limbo and we're mostly thinking we want to have a baby, but are not sure how to make this happen. Life (home, work, play) seems just beyond my control. I haven't been feeling good lately, so I haven't been working out well. During a workout earlier in the week I realized that I just don't have the willpower to put in a good quality work out at the end of the day. After a day full of canceled meetings or unanswered questions, all I know to do is walk instead of run, push the down arrow on whatever machine I find myself on, put down the weights and pick up the remote, etc. It's a familiar feeling these days: putting in the motions but not doing anything that feels "worthwhile".

I've felt this way before: after graduating from Denison and facing all sorts of ambiguity (where to live, where to work, how to get health insurance...). I found that the one thing I could control was what I did with my body. That was what spurred a new kind of working out, a new kind of eating, and inspired me to buy a bike and run a marathon (among other things, I'm sure). It feels good to know that in this one way, you are only accountable to yourself. It reminds me how important it is to be honest with yourself. No one else can tell whether or not I tried my hardest, but I know and I need to be able to acknowledge that so I can get...not just better, but get what I want out of life.

So today, I somehow convinced myself to roll out of bed when the alarm went off. I went to the gym, took A for a walk, took a shower, got ready for work, went to work, met D for lunch, did dishes, took the car for maintenance, cleaned out my purse, walked A to the farmer's market to meet D and pick up some dinner, cooked dinner, ate, and weeded the front garden. All day I've been thinking "what was the point of waking up early if you don't get stuff done?" I've been getting stuff done. And trust me, I'm not nearly as grumpy as I have been lately.

Now for SYTYCD!!!

work vs. play vs. school vs. family vs. home vs...

Me: "I went to Denison University."
Her: "What was your major?"
Me: (wincing just a little) "Religion and Psychology."
Her: "Then how did you get into this field?"
Me: "I started working here right after school."
Her: "Well what do you want to do?"
Me: "I'm not sure, I really enjoy working with this population."
Her: "Well, to do anything more in behavioral health, you'll have to get a master's degree."
Me: "Yeah...(frustration, questioning, thinking about my priorities)... I'm just having a hard time committing to school right now."


Her statement didn't come from a mean or judgmental place, but she really believed (like so many people do) that I needed to continue my formal education to continue happily with my...life? job? who knows...

I guess I get where she is coming from. It's commonly accepted these days (and, more specifically in these professional networks) that to succeed professionally you need to pay someone an exorbitant amount of money and complete lots of busy work on their schedule...er, I mean, it's commonly accepted that continuing education is an important part of professional development. That sounds good.

I haven't figured out my discomfort with this conversation. On one level, I know that there is some interesting and valuable information I would gain from taking more classes related to my job. At the same time, I can't justify racking up more student loans, giving up the little "free time" that I have, and jumping through the hoops that I remember about academia... especially when I have a paying job that I enjoy with the "credentials" I have already "earned."

Whenever I've thought seriously about returning to school for a master's degree in a field I am excited about, I end up feeling like the whole situation is extremely inaccessible. I can't find information, it's the wrong time of the year, the class schedules don't fit with my work schedule...excuses, excuses, right? Maybe. Or maybe I enjoy my job and want to be good at my job, but don't value my professional experience enough to invest so much more time and money into it. If I was working full time and going to school, what else would I be able to do?

My internal struggle over this school issue is compounded by the upcoming holiday weekend and the need to make plans to spend time with out of town family. So many parts to life seem to be mutually exclusive to each other... and while I know that's not really the case (it can't be, right?), it stresses the hell out of me!

How do you know what's important? How do you figure out your priorities? What if your priorities change after you've invested time/money/energy into something? What if you just had dance parties all the time?

GTD with kids?

we're starting to think more seriously about adding children to our family. it's a complicated thing to think about and even more complicated to actually imagine. this weekend we went to the street-fair in yellow springs, worked in the yard, and biked around too-busy streets for most of an afternoon. could we do these things with a kid in tow? would we?

we'd both love to be parents, and would be more than willing to adjust our lifestyle to include things that are kid-friendly... but it seems like everything would change and there are some things that i would like to keep the same.

possible?

comfort (food)

yesterday was awesome. i found myself sitting on the couch at noon drinking my (now rare!) cup of coffee after a run, some saturday morning disney shows, a walk with aldy, and some yard work and thinking "this is the best day ever." at the same time i thought that, i also thought that was so out of my character as of late--to just be totally, blissfully happy with what i was and was not doing? not happening much lately.

we traveled to cincinnati to have a great rib dinner with family. watched the cavs lose, inhaled 60 people's cigarettes at a bar, and slept in a bed that had to have been smaller than a twin. my attitude quickly spiraled downward. upon returning home today, i was faced with the fact that i had to finish my paperwork before 8:00 monday morning, my throat, nose, and back hurt, i was tired, and more than tired i was just grumpy.

it was so hard to find that same bliss i felt yesterday. i feel better about life when i'm getting things done, but i continue to struggle with deciding on what i want to get done. i'll have to figure this out eventually, but until then i will be frequenting noodles & company and getting a big ol' bowl of their macaroni and cheese, followed by a ginormous rice crispy treat. i refuse to look at their website for nutritional information; it's comfort at its finest.

any other (healthier) suggestions for maintaining a positive mental attitude through everyday (non-)events are welcome.

running is easy

Stairmasters are hard. It took me a long time to figure them out, and now that I am confident that I know how to control them, I've decided they're still hard.

It's a good, gym-kind-of-hard. If you need to go work out without moving any distance, this has to be one of the most effective machines for your heart, lungs, and without a doubt your legs and booty. The best part about beginning a workout on the stairmaster is that when you move on to run on the treadmill it is easy as pie. The best part about including the stairmaster in my workout is that I feel like I met a challenge and didn't just "call in" my workout!

And no, I was not paid for my testimonial (but I would be if I could be).

eat pray love

I've been semi-reading this book by Elizabeth Gilbert for the past month. I've enjoyed some of the insights, but so far it's not the kind of book that I can't put down. I really enjoyed this thought about making decisions in life:

"That's the thing about a human life--there's no control group, no way to ever know how any of us would have turned out if any variables had been changed."

While I'm sure I've recognized this sentiment many times, this seems to put it in a new, objective light. You'll never know the perfect answer or what could have happened if things were different. Do something, enjoy it, and move on!

done and done

We bought a new car. A real, new car. Like it had 10 miles on it when we drove it off the lot. I know that we definitely didn't go overboard and just bought a basic economy car (Mazda 3), but, trust me, it's hot! The first day back to work, the car sat in our garage... I was too afraid to drive it and I don't think it even crossed D's mind...? I drove the car today and it felt spectacular. It's extra lumbar support is nursing a slight back injury, I can accelerate at an acceptable pace, and even control the stereo with handy buttons right on the steering wheel! It just feels good and safe. And it was super easy to set the time on the clock---there's actually a "clock" button---imagine that!

It feels really good.

Until I pull up next to an older car, and weird as it is, I feel a twinge of jealousy. I am very happy about having a new car. I'm pretty sure it wasn't a splurge-y purchase, but one that needed to be made and was made responsibly. I even feel proud knowing that we've been working and saving for the past 4 years to afford it, but there is something very respectable and endearing about a car that hangs in there, and an owner that hangs in there with it.

Sappy much? I'll probably get over it when I successfully merge onto the freeway tomorrow without the smell of burning...