highlights 9.26-9.30

26: dancing with the stars, of course!
27: meetings with some of my favorite people at work. ellie putting on shows at dinnertime.
28: {oops}
29: morning family hangout time, with free treats from great harvest bread co.
30: reuniting with an old client who surprised me with how well she was doing. the extra free time we had thanks to a visit from grandma.

hi-ho, hi-ho

We’ve made it through two “part-time” weeks with me back at work.  I started back last Tuesday, and didn’t work more than 5 hours in any day, but it was still an adjustment for everyone.  I surprised myself with how emotional I was on Tuesday morning afternoon as I was getting ready.  It doesn’t matter that the girls are staying at home or that the girls are staying with their dad or that I know it is so much easier to walk out the door and head to work for a few hours.  It still makes me so sad to leave them for so long every day.  A flood of emotions came over me: sadness at the sweet moments I would miss, guilt for the tough moments David would face, anxiety about what kind of stress I would find at work, disappointment at all the things that didn’t get accomplished during maternity leave.  I cried before I left, then pulled it together long enough to almost make it to my office before starting to cry again.  I said it last time I went back, and was reminded again this time that I am so incredibly lucky to work with a group of extremely supportive and compassionate women who were there to comfort me, distract me, and make me laugh. 

Maybe the most surprising thing about my feelings upon returning to work is the extreme guilt I have about leaving David at home with the girls.  First, because I’m still not sure that I can convince myself that anything is more important than being around to grow your children.  (oh, right, food, money, and healthcare rank up there too..?)  Second because being a stay-at-home parent is exhausting.  Yes, he’s proved himself as more than capable (and I think willing, too?) in his time caring for Ellie and (now) Emery, but there’s just no way around the fact that taking care of an infant is so hard.  Emery depends on us (him, during the day) for eeeeverythiiiing.  Ellie wants us (him, during the day) for everything.  I’ve been home with them for a few days by myself and while I never really felt like it was any harder than being here with David, I know it’s a whole different mentality where you’re crazy lucky if you have even a 5 minute period of time to think about yourself.   A few hours of that and you find yourself in complete physical/mental/emotional burnout.   On top of that, David struggles just a whole lot little bit with interrupted sleep.  I check in as much as I can and do whatever I can to help out around home when I’m not here, but being torn between work and home is exhausting in its own way.  I’m just afraid we’re both going to melt down (ellie style?) at some point in the near future.  So far, for the most part, I think we’ve both been going out of our way to be encouraging and supportive for each other.  If we can keep it up (and David stays connected to the coffee IV we had installed last week) we’ll be good to go.

I often find myself thinking about a conversation I had with a coworker just after I found out I was pregnant with Emery.  This woman is crazy.  She talks a mile a minute, smokes a zillion cigarettes a day, has crazy organized notebooks and planners and calendars for everything, and has 2 kids just one year apart.  Already feeling overwhelmed with the demands of baby/self/marriage/home/work I asked her how she does it?  Does she ever have time just to rest?  Her answer, without hesitation:  nope… 

My goal every day is to keep going; to do whatever I can in every situation to keep all the balls I’m responsible for up in the air, and (most importantly) to stay calm enough to enjoy it all. 

And on that note, if you haven’t seen how awesome Ellie is at juggling, make sure she shows you next time you see her.

it's sloppy, but at least it's here

highlights 9.21-25

21: sharing lasagna and brownies with the fam, suisse shoppe cupcakes/celebrating at work
22: meeting an awesome new kid at work, ellie's too adorable "i've got my eyes on you" face
23: laughing with a coworker at an absurd work meeting
24: planning our trip to the zoo with ellie (first the "maaaaas," [goats!] and then the "bphreeww!" [elephant!] and then the "eh eh oh oh ehs" [monkeys!]) and having her repeat the same order once we got there
25: going back to bed with emery in the morning, ellie responding "noooo," when asked if she could leave her paci in her crib after nap (and to a million other questions), girls' date to planet smoothie, calm squishy (alone!) time with emery, family walk after dinner (sunday = awesome)

freak out

Two times in the last week, I felt like I was "that mom." You know, the one who doesn't know how to calm, discipline, or otherwise control their child.  So embarrassing.

Epic Public Meltdown #1:
When: Friday, September 16, 2011
Where: Polaris Mall parking lot and play place (plus the entire distance between)
What: Screaming, crying & flopping on the floor until the majority of the kids in the play place could no longer play out of fear of whatever was tormenting this little girl.  A handful of parents (including a few of those lazy ones that don't even budge when their kid is screaming) had to come over to redirect their little ones.
Why: Ellie wanted to be in Emery's stroller
How it was resolved: Ignored her protests (but did take a video to send to sis and hubs), proceeded to play place while attempting to redirect her attention.  She eventually calmed down enough to ask for her paci and played happily.  I continued to get sympathetic looks and comments from the other parents for the rest of our visit. That's right. All kids can be irrational freaks from time to time.  Especially when their parents completely miss a nap. My girl was passed out before we got out of the parking lot. 

Epic Public Meltdown #2:
When: Thursday, September 22, 2011 (all day)
Where: Panera dining room
What: SCREAMING, crying & flailing
Why: Ellie wanted to drink my pop
How it was resolved: Ignored her protests, tried to give her her own water with and without a straw, D and I looked at each other helplessly.  I eventually walked with her around the restaurant while talking about the mac and cheese and yogurt that was on its way. Despite the fact that the employees packed our "for here" order "to go" (a not so subtle hint?) we stayed to eat and she calmed down and ate more than she ever has before. 

Have her terrible-two tantrums just started early? Are we terrible at discipline? Or is this just life with a "spirited" (to quote my mom) toddler?  Any embarrassing Ihavenoideawhatishappeningorhowtofixit parenting moments you care to share?

highlights 9.17-20

17: successfully surviving the day with three kids, and enjoying LaRosa's pizza, yo
18: seeing ellie with grandma, watching cable, and getting to actually talk to david in the car while the girls slept
19: skipping one last day of work
20: watching emery smile and coo at david, ellie eating dinner, hugging, squeezing, and playing with my girls after work

bragging

We’re super lucky (and endlessly thankful) that our parents are willing to travel across the state to spend time with their granddaughters and provide (much needed) support to us!  I think I can speak for David in saying that in addition to the little relief their visits provide, we’ve also enjoyed getting to spend extra time with our parents, letting them see more of our daily life, talk with them about whatever comes up, see our daughters enjoy their visits, and attempt to provide them with some good food and somewhat comfortable sleeping arrangements to help return some of the goods they’ve passed our way over the past 28 years.

We’ve enjoyed a few date nights… mostly consisting of 2 overly tired parents in puke-stained clothes questioning whether or not we remembered to put deodorant on that day heading out to find the closest/quickest/cheapest bite to eat.  That doesn’t sound appealing to you?  Well, it is super awesome to us.  The pure simplicity of being able to leave the house without considering feeding schedules, naptimes, toddler shoes (which we seem to forget on about half of all trips), diaper bags, carseats and strollers is too pleasant for words.  Other times we just depend on our parents to help us be better parents and make the time to clean the house, cut the grass, and take care of other things that happened so easily a few years ago. 

I had one particular day a few weeks ago when Grandma came up, when I was feeling so accomplished I decided to take pictures of my spoils! 

Behold: 

I finished the beginning of updating our desk stools to go with our new living room/office space.  Still need to make the edges pretty and paint the legs.

Here are the results of a few hours worth of sorting, organizing, and folding clothes to update the girls’ drawers with a space all for Emery and clothes that are more season-appropriate. 

Most amazingly of all (right, D?) I sorted, organized, and folded/hung all of my clothes.  My side of the closet (floor) hardly ever looks like this.  Some things never change, right mom & dad?

In my mind there were about 20 more things that were accomplished that day, but it must all be relative.  Some days I bet we don’t get anything “done”, but at least we can brag about making babies smile and laughing with/at/in spite of our girls.  And we can also brag about making babies.  (that’s what I heard when I read that last sentence back in my mind)

Thanks, ‘rents!