happy thoughts

There are a lot of times when I stay away from here because I know that all that's on my mind, or all that I can think of to say will come off as me complaining.  I want this to be a place where I can record my thoughts and figure things out and, in some way, hold myself accountable: so, mom and dad don't freak out, but I want to get some thoughts out :)

I can feel so defeated and exhausted with my (close to perfect) life.  I also simultaneously realize how incredibly pathetic my thoughts are that I don't even want to give them a (public?) voice.  Speaking rationally: I have the greatest life I could ever ask for.  My loves are healthy and happy.  I have a devoted husband, two amazing daughters, a supportive and fun extended family and friends, a safe place to live and dream, and a job.  I could go on, but those are just the basics; not even accounting for all the glorious luxuries that fill my days.  Even with all this, there are still times (more regular than I really want to admit) when I'm just sad.  I wish I could list some of the reasons I'm unhappy but there really isn't even a way to explain, and like I said above, even if I could list out some reasons each one would be shockingly absurd after recounting my charmed life.  In the past 2 months I can honestly say I've felt more happiness than I could have ever imagined and more sad and hopeless, too.  I want more happiness and (unrealistically, I know) really don't feel like there should be any sadness in my life.

Every day feels like a roller coaster, with each member of our family on a different track.  I can be so overwhelmed with happiness while laughing at something Ellie is doing while David might be stomping around because he's annoyed with his allergies.  Ten minutes later, Ellie might be on the floor crying because she can't have something she wants, I might be near tears because none of my clothes fit, and David and Emery might be cooing at each other while happily playing in the "ocean."  I get mad at David when he's grumpy, I feel like a worthless parent when I'm grumpy, and I'm probably a not-so-fun wife, either.  I think (hope!) that to some degree this is just a part of parenthood, and growing pains, and figuring out how to maintain a family/house/life outside of just one person, but it's hard and it seems to be getting harder everyday and I want our life to be fun, not hard.  


I've spent a good amount of time reading "self-help" books or books/information about happiness.  I know that something needs to change in my mind more than in my life to fix the times when I'm sad, but what do I do and how do I start?  One of the most basic things I've read about to start to change the way you think about your life is to start a "gratitude journal" where every day you recount the best things that happened.  I tried this near the end of my pregnancy with Emery.  My goal was to record three things that went well each day and why I thought they went well, and (as lousy as it sounds) most days I struggled to come up with a few.  That statement almost makes me laugh out loud!... To think that I couldn't think of great things while I had a beautiful daughter to enjoy as well as another one growing inside me is complete craziness.  But honestly, in my own personal journal, I couldn't just record 3 great things?  There's something wrong (and I know it's not with my life, but with my thoughts).

So my first step towards feeling (and thinking) better: I'm going to record the best things that happen each day.  Soon enough, what makes me "happy" should be apparent, and then I can make more of that happen in my life.  I feel like this is official, so hopefully that makes me stick to it.  I think it'd be rad (sounds like David, eh?) if you joined me.  If this doesn't work, I think I'll take Ellie's advice and resign myself to watching Yo Gabba Gabba episodes on repeat all day.