can we talk about mimi?

It's been more than 2 months since I last blogged.  That wouldn't bother me so much if I could otherwise report that we were still taking pictures, that I was updating scrapbooks and monthly notes--but I'm not.  Not really doing any of it.  If we don't already know it yet, it's becoming more apparent with every new milestone in the girls' lives that time keeps flying by us whether we stop to soak it in or not.  I don't want to get caught up in documenting everything so much that I can't just be present in the moments, but SO much is happening every day that it's too easy to forget the little things that make our days and fill our hearts.

Our 'normal' changes everyday, and I'm always bummed when something happens that reminds me that our daughters are growing up right in the middle of our busy, distracted, stressed out lives.  Remember when Ellie used to ask us to open everything by saying "boppy!"?  Getting only more animated if we didn't initially respond?  Remember when she first started calling Yo Gabba Gabba "yagwabbubbwa"?  She says full sentences now, and makes jokes, and cracks us up with her observations and attempts to explain things ("my not sleep now, my awake.").  She introduces herself and her family to kids she meets at the park.  She remembers things, tells me about her day, pretends to go to work or check me out at the doctor, and asks to buy things.  Every day is filled with fun, and learning, and definitely testing boundaries ("my bad, ellie run away.")

But this post is about my MimiGirl, who too easily gets bowled over by the swirling tornado of Ellie.  She's growing up, too.  After struggling through an intense, freakish, and equally awesome and annoying bout of attachment to me, she's becoming more independent everyday.  She'll show you her mad face, what a fish says, and how big she is.  If you tell her 'no,' she knows what it means but she probably won't listen.  The girl can crawl, and the girl can cruise.  Our nice little box of a house has proved to be the perfect domain for her as she makes her way in and out of every single room by walking while supporting herself on the walls.  Mimi has moments when she is perfectly content to just cruise back and forth, push buttons on the cable box, pull books and trinkets off the shelves, and bang her head repeatedly into the couch play by herself.  Somehow, she's not nearly as dependent on us as I feel like she should be.  It's been almost a year, after all, but I still feel like she's my baby.

We don't have much time left.  She's on the brink of walking for real, and seems excited by the prospect.

It won't be long before we're trying to convince her to be a better listener, or eat/sleep/behave better because she's a big girl.  Growing up is a double-edged sword, but she doesn't know it yet.
 

why i love my husband: two

From everything I've learned about David, it's clear that he has always had very strong convictions about the things that are important to him.  He's thoughtful and considerate to an extreme, and when he decides something is worth his attention, he goes "all in."  Skateboarding, punk music, (skinny jeans), gardening, homesteading, running, bicycle commuting, (wool clothing), and mountain biking have filled his heart over the past few years.  I give him a hard time about the energy he spends searching ebay & craigslist for whatever his current need is and for the amount of detail he includes in his stories, but really, I admire him for the way he cares about what he cares about.

recovery, eh?

So... we've officially contracted our first super nasty common childhood illness and it has to be the one with the worst name ever.  We confirmed today that Ellie's puke-fest Friday night and lazy Saturday were the first stages of HandFoot&MouthDisease.  OMG. I barely convinced myself to admit that.  So at some point in the past week, Ellie came in contact with the nasal mucous, saliva, sputum, or ---- of an infected person.  Now she's lucky enough to have blisters on her hands, feet, and mouth.  Luckily her case seems to be pretty mild and she hasn't been too disturbed by the symptoms... except for during 3 hour stints in the middle of the night when she screams non-stop in her bed: "Mommy, areyou Mommy?" or "Daaaaaddy, areyou Daddy?" So fun. 

This week has been continually exhausting--first dealing with a sick/sad/needy baby, then worrying about what the blisters might be, confirming what they are, and now freaking the freak about whether Mimi, or Finn, or any of Ellie's friends are going to get sick too.  Like I said, OMG.  Contagion up in here.

mommy get it

Ellie is starting to talk more every day.  A few weeks ago she started putting a few words together at a time more purposefully than ever before.  We started hearing "Lahyou," "Areyou?" "Ellie turn," which made us smile.  She started telling us "Mimi nigh-night," or "Mimi up."  (She also tried to wake Mimi up, so she could tell us, "Mimi up.")  Lately she's been saying "Aldy eat it" after he snatches some of her food, asking for "Ellie room?" or "Daddy bed?" when the thought pops in her head.  These are just the most adorable things ever said,  right?  Or is it just me?

In any case, I had a crazy long day at work today and barely had a chance to check in with David, which is super unusual for me.  Feeling like a terrible mom when I came in at 7:30, I was hoping David would tell me he thought the girls missed me.  He said they did, but I think he just knew that was the right thing to say.  Ellie was in on the trick though, and when she wanted something (even if it was something silly like getting her milk), if David started to do it, she would throw a mini-tantrum and say "Mommy get it," which I realize is terribly annoying and silly, but was exactly what I needed and wanted to hear after a full day away from the girls.

I find myself amazed and loving all of Ellie's new words/sentences/pronunciations and at the same time sad that she's growing up so fast.  She's almost a full blown adult ready to clearly articulate her arguments.  Such giant steps from just throwing herself on the floor...

resolutions

woops

Goodness.

It seems like I've hit the wall where demands at work + demands at home have overwhelmed my life and there is very little time for anything unnecessary. 

So thankful for Ellie who's picking up the slack.

 

Right now, it's a good day if we wash the dishes after dinner and have 5 minutes of downtime before going to bed.  Anytime I get enough time to myself to do anything special, I feel anxious that what I'm doing isn't the best possible choice considering everything I want to and need to do.  So, blogging has taken a back seat for sure.  The girls are great (except for the all-too-common cold for ellie). David and I are chugging along, still trying to figure out... well, everything, it seems.

growing girl

Time is going too fast.

That floppy little newborn bundle that we welcomed into our family in July?  She's all grown up.  Holding her head up, reaching for things, pulling my hair and clawing my face, screaming, chuckling, blowing raspberries, and rolling over like a champ.  Our latest doctor's visit confirmed that she's awesome: 17 pounds, and an okay-shaped head.

She's also putting in her hours studying animals, colors, and shapes everyday so she can keep up with The Wild One.

i heart weekends (and extra an hour in a day!)

As each work week passes, I find myself counting on the weekend more and more.  It’s the best (only?) time I have to run errands, clean the house, tackle projects, crafts, and recipes, and really hang out hardcore with my girls.  What does hardcore hanging out look like?

This weekend we had donuts for breakfast (courtesy of a stealth pre-wake-up trip by David), spent too long at the craft store, bought new clothes, got smoothies, made new toys and accessories, hung out in the bedroom tent (Ellie is OBSESSED), resisted sleep, went to the grocery, made cupcakes, ate cupcakes, took a walk, helicoptered in the field, ran home, visited Finn, visited with neighbors, and hugged it out while Barney sang “we’re a happy family.”  In between all that I was amazed at Ellie’s new words and drawings, Mimi’s generous smiles, and snuck in plenty of kisses and squeezes to both my lovelies.   

I’m completely exhausted (as I sit here typing this one handed as Meems reluctantly sleeps in my other arm—excuse my brevity), but all of this is what I love.    

As Rihanna says, “cheers to the freakin’ weekend…”

happiness

These are the results of my not so scientific study on what makes me happy, or at least what made me happy from mid-September to mid-October, 2011.  Nothing too surprising, really, and the values are probably more indicative of the ways I spend my time than anything else, but interesting nonetheless.


Analysis:

• I know the girls make me smile, laugh, and gush with pride.
• I find ways to treat myself even with limited time.  Unfortunately the self/happy category was mostly made up of getting extra sleep or extra food.  Those things should probably start to change to more useful and healthy treats to help me actually be happy with my self.
• Low results for house and husband were probably influenced more than any other category by lack of time and energy.  In the craziness that is our current life, those things have (sadly) faded into the background.  The silver lining to that cloud is that I think these things are okay enough to take a backseat for a little while. And yes, David does factor into the happiness of family time, but in my ideal world, I'd mention my husband more specifically, more often as a happiness trigger.
• I am pleasantly surprised by the number of work-related events that I recalled fondly at the ends of my days.  It's hard not to just see work as a necessary evil taking me a way from the girls, so I should try to appreciate it whenever I can.
• I wish I could think/write about this more, but I'm holding the infant that refuses to sleep alone at night, and typing with one hand is definitely NOT making me (or her) happy.

hi-ho, hi-ho

We’ve made it through two “part-time” weeks with me back at work.  I started back last Tuesday, and didn’t work more than 5 hours in any day, but it was still an adjustment for everyone.  I surprised myself with how emotional I was on Tuesday morning afternoon as I was getting ready.  It doesn’t matter that the girls are staying at home or that the girls are staying with their dad or that I know it is so much easier to walk out the door and head to work for a few hours.  It still makes me so sad to leave them for so long every day.  A flood of emotions came over me: sadness at the sweet moments I would miss, guilt for the tough moments David would face, anxiety about what kind of stress I would find at work, disappointment at all the things that didn’t get accomplished during maternity leave.  I cried before I left, then pulled it together long enough to almost make it to my office before starting to cry again.  I said it last time I went back, and was reminded again this time that I am so incredibly lucky to work with a group of extremely supportive and compassionate women who were there to comfort me, distract me, and make me laugh. 

Maybe the most surprising thing about my feelings upon returning to work is the extreme guilt I have about leaving David at home with the girls.  First, because I’m still not sure that I can convince myself that anything is more important than being around to grow your children.  (oh, right, food, money, and healthcare rank up there too..?)  Second because being a stay-at-home parent is exhausting.  Yes, he’s proved himself as more than capable (and I think willing, too?) in his time caring for Ellie and (now) Emery, but there’s just no way around the fact that taking care of an infant is so hard.  Emery depends on us (him, during the day) for eeeeverythiiiing.  Ellie wants us (him, during the day) for everything.  I’ve been home with them for a few days by myself and while I never really felt like it was any harder than being here with David, I know it’s a whole different mentality where you’re crazy lucky if you have even a 5 minute period of time to think about yourself.   A few hours of that and you find yourself in complete physical/mental/emotional burnout.   On top of that, David struggles just a whole lot little bit with interrupted sleep.  I check in as much as I can and do whatever I can to help out around home when I’m not here, but being torn between work and home is exhausting in its own way.  I’m just afraid we’re both going to melt down (ellie style?) at some point in the near future.  So far, for the most part, I think we’ve both been going out of our way to be encouraging and supportive for each other.  If we can keep it up (and David stays connected to the coffee IV we had installed last week) we’ll be good to go.

I often find myself thinking about a conversation I had with a coworker just after I found out I was pregnant with Emery.  This woman is crazy.  She talks a mile a minute, smokes a zillion cigarettes a day, has crazy organized notebooks and planners and calendars for everything, and has 2 kids just one year apart.  Already feeling overwhelmed with the demands of baby/self/marriage/home/work I asked her how she does it?  Does she ever have time just to rest?  Her answer, without hesitation:  nope… 

My goal every day is to keep going; to do whatever I can in every situation to keep all the balls I’m responsible for up in the air, and (most importantly) to stay calm enough to enjoy it all. 

And on that note, if you haven’t seen how awesome Ellie is at juggling, make sure she shows you next time you see her.

freak out

Two times in the last week, I felt like I was "that mom." You know, the one who doesn't know how to calm, discipline, or otherwise control their child.  So embarrassing.

Epic Public Meltdown #1:
When: Friday, September 16, 2011
Where: Polaris Mall parking lot and play place (plus the entire distance between)
What: Screaming, crying & flopping on the floor until the majority of the kids in the play place could no longer play out of fear of whatever was tormenting this little girl.  A handful of parents (including a few of those lazy ones that don't even budge when their kid is screaming) had to come over to redirect their little ones.
Why: Ellie wanted to be in Emery's stroller
How it was resolved: Ignored her protests (but did take a video to send to sis and hubs), proceeded to play place while attempting to redirect her attention.  She eventually calmed down enough to ask for her paci and played happily.  I continued to get sympathetic looks and comments from the other parents for the rest of our visit. That's right. All kids can be irrational freaks from time to time.  Especially when their parents completely miss a nap. My girl was passed out before we got out of the parking lot. 

Epic Public Meltdown #2:
When: Thursday, September 22, 2011 (all day)
Where: Panera dining room
What: SCREAMING, crying & flailing
Why: Ellie wanted to drink my pop
How it was resolved: Ignored her protests, tried to give her her own water with and without a straw, D and I looked at each other helplessly.  I eventually walked with her around the restaurant while talking about the mac and cheese and yogurt that was on its way. Despite the fact that the employees packed our "for here" order "to go" (a not so subtle hint?) we stayed to eat and she calmed down and ate more than she ever has before. 

Have her terrible-two tantrums just started early? Are we terrible at discipline? Or is this just life with a "spirited" (to quote my mom) toddler?  Any embarrassing Ihavenoideawhatishappeningorhowtofixit parenting moments you care to share?

bragging

We’re super lucky (and endlessly thankful) that our parents are willing to travel across the state to spend time with their granddaughters and provide (much needed) support to us!  I think I can speak for David in saying that in addition to the little relief their visits provide, we’ve also enjoyed getting to spend extra time with our parents, letting them see more of our daily life, talk with them about whatever comes up, see our daughters enjoy their visits, and attempt to provide them with some good food and somewhat comfortable sleeping arrangements to help return some of the goods they’ve passed our way over the past 28 years.

We’ve enjoyed a few date nights… mostly consisting of 2 overly tired parents in puke-stained clothes questioning whether or not we remembered to put deodorant on that day heading out to find the closest/quickest/cheapest bite to eat.  That doesn’t sound appealing to you?  Well, it is super awesome to us.  The pure simplicity of being able to leave the house without considering feeding schedules, naptimes, toddler shoes (which we seem to forget on about half of all trips), diaper bags, carseats and strollers is too pleasant for words.  Other times we just depend on our parents to help us be better parents and make the time to clean the house, cut the grass, and take care of other things that happened so easily a few years ago. 

I had one particular day a few weeks ago when Grandma came up, when I was feeling so accomplished I decided to take pictures of my spoils! 

Behold: 

I finished the beginning of updating our desk stools to go with our new living room/office space.  Still need to make the edges pretty and paint the legs.

Here are the results of a few hours worth of sorting, organizing, and folding clothes to update the girls’ drawers with a space all for Emery and clothes that are more season-appropriate. 

Most amazingly of all (right, D?) I sorted, organized, and folded/hung all of my clothes.  My side of the closet (floor) hardly ever looks like this.  Some things never change, right mom & dad?

In my mind there were about 20 more things that were accomplished that day, but it must all be relative.  Some days I bet we don’t get anything “done”, but at least we can brag about making babies smile and laughing with/at/in spite of our girls.  And we can also brag about making babies.  (that’s what I heard when I read that last sentence back in my mind)

Thanks, ‘rents!

happy thoughts

There are a lot of times when I stay away from here because I know that all that's on my mind, or all that I can think of to say will come off as me complaining.  I want this to be a place where I can record my thoughts and figure things out and, in some way, hold myself accountable: so, mom and dad don't freak out, but I want to get some thoughts out :)

I can feel so defeated and exhausted with my (close to perfect) life.  I also simultaneously realize how incredibly pathetic my thoughts are that I don't even want to give them a (public?) voice.  Speaking rationally: I have the greatest life I could ever ask for.  My loves are healthy and happy.  I have a devoted husband, two amazing daughters, a supportive and fun extended family and friends, a safe place to live and dream, and a job.  I could go on, but those are just the basics; not even accounting for all the glorious luxuries that fill my days.  Even with all this, there are still times (more regular than I really want to admit) when I'm just sad.  I wish I could list some of the reasons I'm unhappy but there really isn't even a way to explain, and like I said above, even if I could list out some reasons each one would be shockingly absurd after recounting my charmed life.  In the past 2 months I can honestly say I've felt more happiness than I could have ever imagined and more sad and hopeless, too.  I want more happiness and (unrealistically, I know) really don't feel like there should be any sadness in my life.

Every day feels like a roller coaster, with each member of our family on a different track.  I can be so overwhelmed with happiness while laughing at something Ellie is doing while David might be stomping around because he's annoyed with his allergies.  Ten minutes later, Ellie might be on the floor crying because she can't have something she wants, I might be near tears because none of my clothes fit, and David and Emery might be cooing at each other while happily playing in the "ocean."  I get mad at David when he's grumpy, I feel like a worthless parent when I'm grumpy, and I'm probably a not-so-fun wife, either.  I think (hope!) that to some degree this is just a part of parenthood, and growing pains, and figuring out how to maintain a family/house/life outside of just one person, but it's hard and it seems to be getting harder everyday and I want our life to be fun, not hard.  


I've spent a good amount of time reading "self-help" books or books/information about happiness.  I know that something needs to change in my mind more than in my life to fix the times when I'm sad, but what do I do and how do I start?  One of the most basic things I've read about to start to change the way you think about your life is to start a "gratitude journal" where every day you recount the best things that happened.  I tried this near the end of my pregnancy with Emery.  My goal was to record three things that went well each day and why I thought they went well, and (as lousy as it sounds) most days I struggled to come up with a few.  That statement almost makes me laugh out loud!... To think that I couldn't think of great things while I had a beautiful daughter to enjoy as well as another one growing inside me is complete craziness.  But honestly, in my own personal journal, I couldn't just record 3 great things?  There's something wrong (and I know it's not with my life, but with my thoughts).

So my first step towards feeling (and thinking) better: I'm going to record the best things that happen each day.  Soon enough, what makes me "happy" should be apparent, and then I can make more of that happen in my life.  I feel like this is official, so hopefully that makes me stick to it.  I think it'd be rad (sounds like David, eh?) if you joined me.  If this doesn't work, I think I'll take Ellie's advice and resign myself to watching Yo Gabba Gabba episodes on repeat all day.

15 minute breakdown... GO!

The past 3 days, I've been trying to make time to update this blog, but it hasn't happened. So, while David is working, Ellie is napping, Emery is fighting sleep, and water is on to start compiling a casserole for dinner, I reheated my decaf coffee and I'm giving myself 15 minutes to get my thoughts out. That probably means no editing or re-reading for clarity, so good luck reading on.

I have to say, even though it probably doesn't look like it on the outside, we're getting in the swing of having two kids. (Shame on us for deciding to buy a new couch and proceed to re-do the entire living space of our house while adjusting.) Ellie's sleep has been mostly back to normal with an afternoon nap and a regular bedtime. We usually find one time period each day to do something to get all of us out of the house. We frequent Planet Smoothie, local parks, Jess, Mike & Finn's house, the grocery store, and Target. I've made time to bake some treats, David's gone mountain biking and the weather is cooler so we can spend time outside. Emery still keeps us guessing--it seems like she either wants to be up and eating all day or impossible to rouse. The only thing she's doing consistently is waking up more and more frequently with each passing night. Eek. Ellie was sleeping from 11 pm to 5 or 6am from the time she was 6 weeks old. Getting to watch middle of the night TV has even lost it's appeal.

I'm looking at the last few weeks I'll have off from work to spend entirely with my family with no other stresses to deal with. There have been days over the past 2 months that I've had to try really hard to be excited about (or event tolerate, who am I kidding?) the craziness of the demands at home. But I'll be bummed to have to go back to work and miss out on the awesome moments (no matter how few) that each day at home is guaranteed to bring.

Like today, for example, when Em spit up on Ellie's face when she was trying to give her a kiss <3

ellie

Ellie was a super easy baby. The hardest things she ever did were wake up every 2 or 3 hours at night to eat, puke all over us and our stuff, and poop out a few diapers. She was usually content to sit on our laps and smile at our faces and read books. When she first came into our life, we had to adjust from being a young couple with few responsibilities to being mom and dad to an infant that was completely dependent on us--it felt like a big, hard deal. I wish we understood how easy we had it then.


Fast forward a few months and you'd find us constantly "finger-walking" our girl around everywhere she could see. She was determined to walk early and needed our help to practice. It felt like we never sat down. A few months later, if we could convince her to sit down, you'd find us battling our daughter at the kitchen table. She decided (after being a great eater for the first year of her life) that she only wanted to eat fruit, yogurt, and cheese. The next few months included daily tiffs over changing her diaper, letting her feed herself, having to stay inside when it was raining and/or dark, not eating Alden's dog food, and coloring with markers on paper only.


After a particularly rough day when it seemed like we didn't have a moment to ourselves between meeting Emery's basic needs and dealing with Ellie's constant demands, I asked David what one word he would use to describe our first born. After a few seconds, he said crazy. Trying not to pass (negative) judgment on my daughter, I said wild. After talking some more, we decided that the positive way to explain Ellie would be to say she is independent.


Ellie knows what she wants and what she doesn't and she makes her preferences (however absurd they are) known. She has amazed us with her ability to accomplish tasks that seem too difficult. She absolutely loves what she loves. And then there are the things that she hates (or, doesn't like, you know what I mean). Over the past few months, Ellie has decided, learned, or been taught to flail around, scream, throw things, run away and grab our faces when we're suggesting something she's not interested in. We try hard to prevent whatever we can predict will be a difficult situation (get enough sleep, hide off-limit toys, give warnings), encourage effective communication whenever possible ("use your words" instead of screaming), redirect her to more appropriate activities to take her mind off what's pissing her off, and hardest of all not give in to her inappropriate attempts at getting her way. Why? Because some things she just has to learn to tolerate.

I love my daughter more than words will ever convey, and honestly, I can usually even appreciate something about the fits she throws, her (failed) attempts to communicate, her silly preferences and requests. But I'd be lying if I said I don't worry about her future ability to regulate her emotions and channel all of her determination and energy into something constructive. I hope David and I will be able to guide her safely through life without squashing her fierce independence and allow her the freedom and power that she desires so that she can experience everything life has to offer (without getting too hurt). Right now that means she doesn't want to sleep, but wants to eat dog food and spend every waking moment in a swing and without a shirt on. I can only imagine what we'll be fighting about in 15 years. I guess we'll have to choose our battles wisely.

week six. and yes, i did think it was only week five.

put together while sipping a venti starbucks and bopping a baby to sleep.
booya.

mama meltdown

Earlier this week, after spending the day home with the girls while David worked I thought it would be a good idea to take Ellie to JoAnn Fabrics to pick up a few things for some projects I've been thinking about and let her run around the store and explore. (She about melted my heart when I loaded her in the car and she looked over at Emery's empty seat and said "Mimi?" wondering where her sister was) Ellie did great at JoAnn's and was more than happy to walk along the wall of beads (that she could touch, but could NOT get off their hooks--perf!) and take in all their sparkly goodness. After a little disappointment on my part, realizing that some of my ideas for projects were either a.) too expensive, b.) too much work, or c.) too crazy we headed to the checkout with a few items.

We were greeted by a line with 5 or 6 people in front of us. We headed down the (awesomely designed) single-file aisle lined with (well thought out) trinkets and bottles and candy all perfectly reachable for my little explorer. I took a deep breath and was prepared to keep her contained and safe, with a little interest in not destroying the store. Soon after we were in line, a few customers piled in behind us. While I was bending down to put something back that Ellie had out, I hit into the woman's cart behind us. I apologized out loud, while silently wondering why the hell she was so close to me. Then she started making small talk; asking how old Ellie was, asking me what frame I liked and what color mat she should buy? Really? I swear I was more than pleasant with her, but inside my impatience was building (about to explode).

I'm not a patient person--I'll be the first to admit it, and David could probably give many examples of my inability to stay calm in crappy situations that aren't quickly getting better (red lights, traffic, lines, multi-step house projects, slow computers, interrupted favorite TV shows). It's gotten worse since having both babies. I only have a few moments to accomplish things that I want to do and if something isn't going right when I finally have the chance (or take/make the time), it's never going to happen. So, as we were standing in line without moving forward, feeling cornered by the customers behind us, and fighting all the products in Ellie's grabbing hands, I scooped Ellie up, left the stuff we were going to buy at the cashier and headed out to the car, crying.

I was exhausted, disappointed, and most of all, defeated. Taking the energy to make the trip and returning home empty handed... After talking to the parents and David and calming down, I was able to realize that Ellie had fun and it wasn't such a big deal. I just won't be able to do anything for a few more years. JK. Kinda.

The next day, armed with David's optimism (more on that later), and both of the girls, we headed back to JoAnn's and got all the goods. Our family is awesome. Haha.

recovering (with grandma's help)

week four

not giving up

I promise, I'm really not giving up on my "this week" photos (I'm excited to keep track of our daily life and growing family, plus I think it'll help keep me on track for the girls' scrapbooks) but we've undertaken a not-planned-out desk makeover which has dismantled our computer and hard-drive for the past few days. Plus, my body is really trying to tear me down and that, plus the babes leaves little energy for anything. Coming soon!