resolutions

not giving up

I promise, I'm really not giving up on my "this week" photos (I'm excited to keep track of our daily life and growing family, plus I think it'll help keep me on track for the girls' scrapbooks) but we've undertaken a not-planned-out desk makeover which has dismantled our computer and hard-drive for the past few days. Plus, my body is really trying to tear me down and that, plus the babes leaves little energy for anything. Coming soon!

my mess

Last night, after Ellie was in bed and I was sitting on the couch enjoying a rootbeer float (they are probably better than you remember) David was marching around the house trying to clean up.

David: "Please don't put your shoes on the kitchen table."
Me: "Why would I put my shoes on the table?"
David: "Exactly, why would you put your shoes on the table?"
Me: ::overcome by uncontrollable laughter::

I've been thinking that I should stray from my usual adorable posts of Ellie pictures to show you a broader view of what our life has become since this beautiful little girl stepped in and took over. Luckily for me I haven't made the time to snap any shots so instead I'll just list a few things that make up our mess.

Me:
Hair=hot mess. It hasn't been cut since... January? I need to order some sort of product that won't congeal on my scalp the morning after a shower. Ellie and I have matching cradle cap.
Sometimes I try to put on mascara. Sometimes it makes me feel better about going to work in the morning. Unfortunately I don't clean it off and it just adds to the bags under my eyes the next day. I look so tired.
My teeth are yellow. Probably has something to do with excessive amounts of Starbucks consumed in the past 4 months.
My lips are so thin. This is only more evident since David and Ellie have luscious lips.
Muscle tone: non-existent.
Clothes: I think I have 2 pairs of non-maternity pants that fit, but they're linen and get too easily wrinkled (when they're balled up on the floor). Sometimes I can find an unwrinkled shirt for work. Sometimes it is even stain free.
I've exercised 3 times since Ellie's been alive.

Kitchen:
Dirty dishes and bottles out the wazoo. Waiting to be loaded into the dishwasher or washed by hand.
A fridge filled with healthy groceries that never get cooked.
Pizza boxes.
Starbucks cups.
Baby toys.
Baby coupons.

Living Room:
Mail.
Bills.
Bras.
Fabric pieces from various half started projects.
A floor that's been swiffered and vacuumed twice since Ellie's been alive. (Ellie is almost 5 months old, and this used to be done on a weekly basis)
Cereal bowls on the floor. (Remnants of Alden's morning treat)
Spoons on any horizontal surface. (For some reason, the spoon is not part of Alden's morning treat and has to be removed so he can get to the cereal bowl..?)
Baby toys.
Baby books.

Bathroom:
Clothes.
Stray hairs. Everywhere. (I've been checking for bald spots since 3 months postpartum)

Ellie's Room:
Old clothes. (Washed and bagged and ready to go... somewhere!)
Baby toys.
I don't even know what's in her completely disorganized closet.

Purple Room:
The rest of the fabric pieces from half finished projects.
Baby toys.

Our Room:
O-M-G. I don't even think I can describe the explosion that occurred on the floor of my side of the room over the last few weeks. My parents might be the only ones that can vouch for how messy I can get. You can't see the floor.

So I started laughing uncontrollably during that conversation last night because in that very instant I realized how completely out of control our life had become. How out of control I had become. I also realized it's all my fault. In an effort to ease my guilt about being away from Ellie during the day and on top of busy busy weeks at work, when I finally get home, I'm completely exhausted with being responsible or self-controlled. The only thing I can find energy for is Miss Ellie (and, yes, making Tiny Prints cards). David, bless his heart, has been trying so hard to keep some sort of cleanliness or healthiness in our lives. He asks me to pick up my clothes, and sometimes even picks them up for me (and then has to deal with me trying to find any of my stuff that he put in the wrong place). He volunteers to run to the grocery or cook any dinner but I'm usually quicker to choose take-out. He pesters me to go to the gym, get a hair cut or go buy new clothes. But when push comes to shove, I'd rather just be with Ellie than doing any of those things. I know I need to get better about this, if only because I want to be a good role model for Ellie and I think it's important for her to know that she should take pride in herself and her belongings. But how do I get there? Suggestions welcome!

she got it

Ellie and I went shopping yesterday afternoon. So far, she doesn't look very much like me. She has her daddy's lips, nose, and probably eyes, but there have been a few things we've noticed that must come from my genes. Her reaction to her daddy's endless kisses, for example, is very similar to mine. She also has the chubbiest (and cutest) baby thighs ever and we definitely can't attribute those to David. We have also shared the same beautiful milk/spit-up/slobber stained look for the past 2 months. I tried to make an effort yesterday before heading to the mall. This included pulling my hair down out of a ponytail and putting on a bra and deodorant. Big deal! I know I didn't look good but I was sure I was presentable. I was wrong.

After browsing around a few stores (and, yes, talking to a few salespeople) I went to try on some clothes. Walked into the dressing room, looked in the mirror and realized that my shirt had giant milk stains in front of both boobs. I shouldn't have been surprised to see the stains; I was wearing the same shirt I wore to bed the night before and pretty much every piece of clothing that's been worn over the past 2 months is stained in one way or another. All I could do at that point was laugh at myself, and use it as more motivation to buy some new clothes that fit my new (current) body.

David and I don't spend much time bothering with our physical appearance. With a few exceptions (ahem, wool clothing) we don't worry too much about the clothes we have or don't have, I don't usually wear make-up, David usually has something colorful in his teeth, and it's a lucky day if I remember to pluck my eyebrows or that one dark hair growing out of my chin (I think I get this from my Nanny!). We love each other despite all of this, including all of this but we'll both admit that we frequently feel ugly, unattractive, or unprepared in different situations. I hope Ellie learns from us that looks aren't everything, but I also hope that she'll be confident and secure enough in herself to feel beautiful and comfortable in every situation she finds herself in--something that her dad and I still struggle with. I want her to know that she is beautiful, just the way she is.

symptoms

a list of things i've experienced over the past 22 weeks:

nausea
gas
heartburn
heightened gag reflex
forgetfulness
backache
trouble sleeping
aversion to certain foods (city barbecue and chipotle)
achy feet
giant boobs
extra hair
headaches
blurred vision

sounds like fun, eh?

:)

the early bird

I woke up at 6:00 this morning and went right to the gym! I've been fighting with myself over this every morning this week-and on and off for the past long while-and today the good part of me finally won.

Work has been wholly unsatisfying lately; partly because my cases are not ready for me to take over, and partly because my "new job" might just be less satisfying than I'd care to admit. D and I are in a weird sort of limbo and we're mostly thinking we want to have a baby, but are not sure how to make this happen. Life (home, work, play) seems just beyond my control. I haven't been feeling good lately, so I haven't been working out well. During a workout earlier in the week I realized that I just don't have the willpower to put in a good quality work out at the end of the day. After a day full of canceled meetings or unanswered questions, all I know to do is walk instead of run, push the down arrow on whatever machine I find myself on, put down the weights and pick up the remote, etc. It's a familiar feeling these days: putting in the motions but not doing anything that feels "worthwhile".

I've felt this way before: after graduating from Denison and facing all sorts of ambiguity (where to live, where to work, how to get health insurance...). I found that the one thing I could control was what I did with my body. That was what spurred a new kind of working out, a new kind of eating, and inspired me to buy a bike and run a marathon (among other things, I'm sure). It feels good to know that in this one way, you are only accountable to yourself. It reminds me how important it is to be honest with yourself. No one else can tell whether or not I tried my hardest, but I know and I need to be able to acknowledge that so I can get...not just better, but get what I want out of life.

So today, I somehow convinced myself to roll out of bed when the alarm went off. I went to the gym, took A for a walk, took a shower, got ready for work, went to work, met D for lunch, did dishes, took the car for maintenance, cleaned out my purse, walked A to the farmer's market to meet D and pick up some dinner, cooked dinner, ate, and weeded the front garden. All day I've been thinking "what was the point of waking up early if you don't get stuff done?" I've been getting stuff done. And trust me, I'm not nearly as grumpy as I have been lately.

Now for SYTYCD!!!

running is easy

Stairmasters are hard. It took me a long time to figure them out, and now that I am confident that I know how to control them, I've decided they're still hard.

It's a good, gym-kind-of-hard. If you need to go work out without moving any distance, this has to be one of the most effective machines for your heart, lungs, and without a doubt your legs and booty. The best part about beginning a workout on the stairmaster is that when you move on to run on the treadmill it is easy as pie. The best part about including the stairmaster in my workout is that I feel like I met a challenge and didn't just "call in" my workout!

And no, I was not paid for my testimonial (but I would be if I could be).