ellie dreams

Speaking of growing up: Our biggest little girl officially dreams.  And I can't tell you how badly I wish I could say that she dreams of amazing, wonderful things like Never Ending Picnics and hanging out with Millie Measure.  Instead, she just seems to be having nightmares.

The first one was terrifying as it happened, but really adorable and so much fun the next morning and in the days that followed.  We woke up to her shrieking.  Ellie screams and cries a lot in the middle of the night and she always has, but this was a scream that David and I both immediately responded to, knowing it was different than her usual cry and very far from her regular attempts to get out of sleep for the night ("my need Os," "mommy, are you?" "I pooped!")  When David went in her room she told him that she saw a Really Scary Monster.  HUH?  How does she know about monsters? and since when does she know what it means to be scared?  With a little prodding from David as he tried to figure out if she got scared by one of her stuffed animals (Foofa is sweet, I'm sure, but those eyes might be a little intimidating in a dark room), Ellie continued to explain that The Really Scary Monster was laying under Foofa and it bit her toe.  She eventually calmed down and slept the rest of the night.  It wasn't until the morning when she brought it up again, adding that The Really Scary Monster was purple and looked like a squirrel.  What did The Really Scary Monster do?  He said "Hi!"  She talked about it for a few days and we tried to enjoy her imagination without encouraging her to dwell on it too much and eventually she stopped talking about it.  We told her that if The Really Scary Monster came back, she could just sing the Goodbye Song, and he'd go away.  That's the cure for monsters, you know? 

We tried talking to her for awhile about some awesome dreams that she could have--driving racecars! going swimming! eating ice cream! but until last night she hadn't let us know of any other dreams.  When I was laying with her as she fell asleep last night (don't ask--it's the never-ending-never-getting-better nighttime routine), she suddenly shot straight up next to me, "Ellie fall fall fall upside-down. Really really scary."  She repeated it over and over while I told her Mommy was there and she was okay.  She's been trying to fall asleep tonight since 8:30 (it's almost 11).  She seems almost out then sits up crying out of nowhere.  I went in to lay with her at some point and she says, through tears, "Hi. Ellie fall really really high.  Ellie fall in the sky."  She asks me to lay with her and after a few minutes when I get up to leave, she asks me to stay. 

My poor girl.  How are we even supposed to deal with scary dreams?  I know how real my dreams feel sometimes (yes, maybe I've held David accountable the next morning for what "David" did in my dream the night before), so how can we even begin to expect her to separate what's real and what's a fantasy???

can we talk about mimi?

It's been more than 2 months since I last blogged.  That wouldn't bother me so much if I could otherwise report that we were still taking pictures, that I was updating scrapbooks and monthly notes--but I'm not.  Not really doing any of it.  If we don't already know it yet, it's becoming more apparent with every new milestone in the girls' lives that time keeps flying by us whether we stop to soak it in or not.  I don't want to get caught up in documenting everything so much that I can't just be present in the moments, but SO much is happening every day that it's too easy to forget the little things that make our days and fill our hearts.

Our 'normal' changes everyday, and I'm always bummed when something happens that reminds me that our daughters are growing up right in the middle of our busy, distracted, stressed out lives.  Remember when Ellie used to ask us to open everything by saying "boppy!"?  Getting only more animated if we didn't initially respond?  Remember when she first started calling Yo Gabba Gabba "yagwabbubbwa"?  She says full sentences now, and makes jokes, and cracks us up with her observations and attempts to explain things ("my not sleep now, my awake.").  She introduces herself and her family to kids she meets at the park.  She remembers things, tells me about her day, pretends to go to work or check me out at the doctor, and asks to buy things.  Every day is filled with fun, and learning, and definitely testing boundaries ("my bad, ellie run away.")

But this post is about my MimiGirl, who too easily gets bowled over by the swirling tornado of Ellie.  She's growing up, too.  After struggling through an intense, freakish, and equally awesome and annoying bout of attachment to me, she's becoming more independent everyday.  She'll show you her mad face, what a fish says, and how big she is.  If you tell her 'no,' she knows what it means but she probably won't listen.  The girl can crawl, and the girl can cruise.  Our nice little box of a house has proved to be the perfect domain for her as she makes her way in and out of every single room by walking while supporting herself on the walls.  Mimi has moments when she is perfectly content to just cruise back and forth, push buttons on the cable box, pull books and trinkets off the shelves, and bang her head repeatedly into the couch play by herself.  Somehow, she's not nearly as dependent on us as I feel like she should be.  It's been almost a year, after all, but I still feel like she's my baby.

We don't have much time left.  She's on the brink of walking for real, and seems excited by the prospect.

It won't be long before we're trying to convince her to be a better listener, or eat/sleep/behave better because she's a big girl.  Growing up is a double-edged sword, but she doesn't know it yet.
 

why i love my husband... fourteen?

Another oops, eh?  While I have to give myself a pat on the back for somehow making the time to post something on this blog for almost 14 days straight, I still couldn't pull through in the end.  Bummer.  What would reason 14 have been?... Crikey, I don't even know.  On my original brainstorming list ideas that were left included he makes my coffee & he's creative.  Maybe I intentionally didn't post because that would have been super anti-climactic.  Lucky you :)

Our Valentine's Day was actually more exciting than any recent ones I can remember.  I get super excited about making holidays special for the girls.  We had (have) love-filled hearts hanging in our front window, the girls woke up to share the love with the world's cutest couple, Mickey & Minnie Mouse, we all wore pink or red, and the girls got heart balloons at the end of the day.  Grandma even joined in the fun by bringing up some love-themed plates and other surprises.  Goals for next year: heart-shaped and/or pink or red food at every meal and mailing out Valentine's to our extended family (this is the first year we've dropped the ball on that one in a while). 

David and I exchanged cards.  He got me one about bikes and I got him one about fountain pop.  No joke. 

oh happy day

Taking the day off work + getting cable installed + unsolicited snuggles from Ellie = love

recovery, eh?

So... we've officially contracted our first super nasty common childhood illness and it has to be the one with the worst name ever.  We confirmed today that Ellie's puke-fest Friday night and lazy Saturday were the first stages of HandFoot&MouthDisease.  OMG. I barely convinced myself to admit that.  So at some point in the past week, Ellie came in contact with the nasal mucous, saliva, sputum, or ---- of an infected person.  Now she's lucky enough to have blisters on her hands, feet, and mouth.  Luckily her case seems to be pretty mild and she hasn't been too disturbed by the symptoms... except for during 3 hour stints in the middle of the night when she screams non-stop in her bed: "Mommy, areyou Mommy?" or "Daaaaaddy, areyou Daddy?" So fun. 

This week has been continually exhausting--first dealing with a sick/sad/needy baby, then worrying about what the blisters might be, confirming what they are, and now freaking the freak about whether Mimi, or Finn, or any of Ellie's friends are going to get sick too.  Like I said, OMG.  Contagion up in here.

growing up

Mimi had her 6 month check up today and made Mama proud by being all cute to the doctor, "waving" when she came in, and just overall being the most adorable thing ever. Her current obsessions are busting a move (our whole family will happily demonstrate her style for you, complete with rahzel-like sound effects) and tearing up paper.  As you can see she was more than pleased with the paper on the exam table.  Good thing they didn't make us wait too long. 

She did great. Chunkier than ever. And her head?  Prominent ridges, but nothing to worry about. 
It was amazing to watch her looking for me for reassurance during the scarier parts of the exam.  I made sure to have the goofiest "yaaay, this is the greatest thing that will ever happen to you!" grin on my face.  I was able to bring her back from whimpers a few times... until the nurse stabbed her repeatedly in the thighs.

Every day, she becomes more of a real person and I can't help but wonder what kind of person she'll turn out to be.  I think I'm most excited about when she'll start interacting with Ellie (more than just pulling her hair or smiling at her).  I'm so curious (and anxious and scared!) about what their relationship will be.  I still remember throwing hairbrushes at Jess in middle school.   

mommy get it

Ellie is starting to talk more every day.  A few weeks ago she started putting a few words together at a time more purposefully than ever before.  We started hearing "Lahyou," "Areyou?" "Ellie turn," which made us smile.  She started telling us "Mimi nigh-night," or "Mimi up."  (She also tried to wake Mimi up, so she could tell us, "Mimi up.")  Lately she's been saying "Aldy eat it" after he snatches some of her food, asking for "Ellie room?" or "Daddy bed?" when the thought pops in her head.  These are just the most adorable things ever said,  right?  Or is it just me?

In any case, I had a crazy long day at work today and barely had a chance to check in with David, which is super unusual for me.  Feeling like a terrible mom when I came in at 7:30, I was hoping David would tell me he thought the girls missed me.  He said they did, but I think he just knew that was the right thing to say.  Ellie was in on the trick though, and when she wanted something (even if it was something silly like getting her milk), if David started to do it, she would throw a mini-tantrum and say "Mommy get it," which I realize is terribly annoying and silly, but was exactly what I needed and wanted to hear after a full day away from the girls.

I find myself amazed and loving all of Ellie's new words/sentences/pronunciations and at the same time sad that she's growing up so fast.  She's almost a full blown adult ready to clearly articulate her arguments.  Such giant steps from just throwing herself on the floor...

growing girl

Time is going too fast.

That floppy little newborn bundle that we welcomed into our family in July?  She's all grown up.  Holding her head up, reaching for things, pulling my hair and clawing my face, screaming, chuckling, blowing raspberries, and rolling over like a champ.  Our latest doctor's visit confirmed that she's awesome: 17 pounds, and an okay-shaped head.

She's also putting in her hours studying animals, colors, and shapes everyday so she can keep up with The Wild One.

halloween 2011

I think today was the first celebrate-able holiday of Ellie’s life!  I have big (really silly and unrealistic) ideas about what holidays will look like around the Love-Stronghold and today we did pretty not-bad, considering our primary participant was an almost 19 month old who would love absolutely anything if it involved sugary treats and who won’t remember a minute of it.

We pretty much failed at any forward planning, but were able to pull together a decent amount of excitement with minimal effort and almost no money.

The fall festivities started with a family visit to Lynd’s Fruit Farm, where Ellie was terrified of everything, but fell in love with the rocky gravel.  We convinced her to explore the pumpkin field and apple orchard after she spent a good while digging in the parking lot.

David dug the “pumpkin” box out of storage and spruced up the house with pumpkin candles, wood decorations, scarecrows (“guys” as Ellie says), and fake fall flowers.  He drew spooky spider webs on our front windows (to mirror the real one on the back window---EEK!). 

We decorated pumpkins and participated in a practice trick-or-treat at my office.  Ellie started balling the minute she walked into our office, but it was not so bad that a lollipop couldn’t make it better.  She enjoyed walking around the halls, but refused to talk to or take candy from anyone.

We talked about costumes (barely): Muno?  Brobee?  Fufa?  The fat toddler that ate too many Sugar Babies? but the craziness of daily life reigned supreme and we found ourselves on Halloween afternoon with a previously made tutu, a wand from Grandma, a bunch of pink clothes, wire, scraps of tulle, and purple duct tape.  What does that mean?  Abby Cadabby, of course!  A little bit of washable marker on the face and we were good to go.  

Tonight, we were those parents.  First: the ones that bribe their kids with candy to don goofy outfits and pose for pictures and, Second: the ones that walk their too-young-to-really-eat-candy kids around the neighborhood to do our dirty work for us.  We made out pretty well!

(sorry for the crap pics, we're not jessicalovephotography, you know?)

8

Wikipedia says the number 8 is considered a lucky number (that might bring wealth) in Chinese and Japanese culture.  It's a lucky number around here, since both these beautiful girls share that day as a birthday. Here they are on their most recent day:

three months

a year and a half (are you kidding?)

So much wealth!

draw

Taking the time to create always makes me feel better about life.  I enjoy coming up with ideas, figuring out how to make things happen, and being in the moment of creating something that is pleasing to me, when time seems to fall away and I feel motivated and productive.  Most of the things that I choose to pass my free time include some sort of creative outlet: painting and redecorating the house, cooking and baking, scrapbooking, writing this blog.  It takes all different forms, but the way I feel when I’m doing any of those things (and they are turning out better than awful) is always the same.  Powerful, determined, getting things done.

Ellie already enjoys leaving her mark on the world.  On paper, windows, dry-erase boards, refrigerators, notebooks, posters, and books, if we’d let her.   

The girl loves to draw.  It all started with her love of opening things up.  She loved taking the caps off of the markers (and throwing them on the floor, of course).  I decided to have her make David a father's day card back in June and I don’t think a day has passed in the last 4 months that she hasn’t drawn something.  She’s getting better over time, her grip has improved (it's crazy amazing, actually), she’s gone through phases of drawing lines, elephants, scribbles and now I swear she’s trying to draw faces, possibly of her favorite Yo Gabba Gabba character, MUNO!!!! (he’s tall and friendly!)  

Her love for drawing has caused a good share of our frustration with her (and her with us) as well.  She loves MARKERS, and will scream for them instead of colored pencils or crayons.  She thinks she knows how to ask for certain colors by screaming and stomping if we show her the wrong one.  She mostly understands what markers belong with the window, or the paper, or the fridge, but every once in awhile she tries really hard to convince us they'll work in so many different places. (the floor, the wall, the chair, your foot!)  Nightly baths are basically just to wash her completely stained hands along with whatever stray body parts she decorated that day.  We kind of hate it, but mostly we love it.  We’re always impressed with the ability and focus she shows.  I’m so looking forward to seeing if this sticks with her for the next few years.  And really anxious for the day she decides it's important enough for HER to pick up the caps and put them back on the markers when she is done.

freak out

Two times in the last week, I felt like I was "that mom." You know, the one who doesn't know how to calm, discipline, or otherwise control their child.  So embarrassing.

Epic Public Meltdown #1:
When: Friday, September 16, 2011
Where: Polaris Mall parking lot and play place (plus the entire distance between)
What: Screaming, crying & flopping on the floor until the majority of the kids in the play place could no longer play out of fear of whatever was tormenting this little girl.  A handful of parents (including a few of those lazy ones that don't even budge when their kid is screaming) had to come over to redirect their little ones.
Why: Ellie wanted to be in Emery's stroller
How it was resolved: Ignored her protests (but did take a video to send to sis and hubs), proceeded to play place while attempting to redirect her attention.  She eventually calmed down enough to ask for her paci and played happily.  I continued to get sympathetic looks and comments from the other parents for the rest of our visit. That's right. All kids can be irrational freaks from time to time.  Especially when their parents completely miss a nap. My girl was passed out before we got out of the parking lot. 

Epic Public Meltdown #2:
When: Thursday, September 22, 2011 (all day)
Where: Panera dining room
What: SCREAMING, crying & flailing
Why: Ellie wanted to drink my pop
How it was resolved: Ignored her protests, tried to give her her own water with and without a straw, D and I looked at each other helplessly.  I eventually walked with her around the restaurant while talking about the mac and cheese and yogurt that was on its way. Despite the fact that the employees packed our "for here" order "to go" (a not so subtle hint?) we stayed to eat and she calmed down and ate more than she ever has before. 

Have her terrible-two tantrums just started early? Are we terrible at discipline? Or is this just life with a "spirited" (to quote my mom) toddler?  Any embarrassing Ihavenoideawhatishappeningorhowtofixit parenting moments you care to share?

ellie

Ellie was a super easy baby. The hardest things she ever did were wake up every 2 or 3 hours at night to eat, puke all over us and our stuff, and poop out a few diapers. She was usually content to sit on our laps and smile at our faces and read books. When she first came into our life, we had to adjust from being a young couple with few responsibilities to being mom and dad to an infant that was completely dependent on us--it felt like a big, hard deal. I wish we understood how easy we had it then.


Fast forward a few months and you'd find us constantly "finger-walking" our girl around everywhere she could see. She was determined to walk early and needed our help to practice. It felt like we never sat down. A few months later, if we could convince her to sit down, you'd find us battling our daughter at the kitchen table. She decided (after being a great eater for the first year of her life) that she only wanted to eat fruit, yogurt, and cheese. The next few months included daily tiffs over changing her diaper, letting her feed herself, having to stay inside when it was raining and/or dark, not eating Alden's dog food, and coloring with markers on paper only.


After a particularly rough day when it seemed like we didn't have a moment to ourselves between meeting Emery's basic needs and dealing with Ellie's constant demands, I asked David what one word he would use to describe our first born. After a few seconds, he said crazy. Trying not to pass (negative) judgment on my daughter, I said wild. After talking some more, we decided that the positive way to explain Ellie would be to say she is independent.


Ellie knows what she wants and what she doesn't and she makes her preferences (however absurd they are) known. She has amazed us with her ability to accomplish tasks that seem too difficult. She absolutely loves what she loves. And then there are the things that she hates (or, doesn't like, you know what I mean). Over the past few months, Ellie has decided, learned, or been taught to flail around, scream, throw things, run away and grab our faces when we're suggesting something she's not interested in. We try hard to prevent whatever we can predict will be a difficult situation (get enough sleep, hide off-limit toys, give warnings), encourage effective communication whenever possible ("use your words" instead of screaming), redirect her to more appropriate activities to take her mind off what's pissing her off, and hardest of all not give in to her inappropriate attempts at getting her way. Why? Because some things she just has to learn to tolerate.

I love my daughter more than words will ever convey, and honestly, I can usually even appreciate something about the fits she throws, her (failed) attempts to communicate, her silly preferences and requests. But I'd be lying if I said I don't worry about her future ability to regulate her emotions and channel all of her determination and energy into something constructive. I hope David and I will be able to guide her safely through life without squashing her fierce independence and allow her the freedom and power that she desires so that she can experience everything life has to offer (without getting too hurt). Right now that means she doesn't want to sleep, but wants to eat dog food and spend every waking moment in a swing and without a shirt on. I can only imagine what we'll be fighting about in 15 years. I guess we'll have to choose our battles wisely.

our first family outing

Before Emery was born, I had a grand plan to prepare a special package for Ellie that we would leave at the house when we went to the hospital. I thought it would be fun for her to get a bunch of new and entertaining toys to distract her from the fact that her whole life was crazy for a few days. I was also hoping those new toys would be awesome enough to keep her occupied while David and I adjusted to life with a newborn. The plan never actually happened (even though we talked about it a lot), but we did make it a point to take Ellie to Build-a-Bear about a week after Em was born so that she could pick out a new, special stuffed animal.

Thankfully, we attempted this trip while Grandma Ann was still around to offer extra support (and hands!). Build-a-Bear seems like a fun idea, but apparently not for a cranky 15 month old that really just wants to play on the computer! We spent some time trying to convince Ellie to pick out her own stuffed animal--holding up one lifeless animal skin after the next, seeing if she took an interest in any of them. The one that David and I were both pushing for is the only one that Ellie consistently pushed away every time we showed it to her (wah-waaahhh). Usually Ellie is pretty clear about what she wants and what she doesn't, but after about 5 minutes of hugging then pushing away animals, we decided just to pick out a cute little monkey. Things weren't going great, but we still had hope. Until we realized that one of the building machines was occupied by a group of kids from a daycare, and the other one with a family of 3 kids. We had to wait in line. Ellie doesn't understand that (and I'm not so good at it either). I almost lost it when David made some comment about how this trip would have been easier without Emery. I responded, while choking back tears, that this is our family now...

After the family before us was done, we tried to convince Ellie to participate in building her monkey. Kiss this heart! Give her a hug! Step on this pedal that makes the giant machine make scary noises!...OK, maybe just stop crying and trying to run away???

We finished the monkey and headed over to the computers to fill out her birth certificate. We named her Dinah, the name (er, sounds) that Ellie said when I asked her what she wanted to name her baby sister a few days before Emery's birthday. She got a cute little ruffle skirt and a bow for her ear and we were off. And probably won't return until the girls are much, much older.

everything from the past 10 months: emery's story

In honor of our newest little bundle's due date (July 21), I wanted to try to find a minute to record some memories and emotions about her birth story, which was so different from Ellie's and so different from what I was expecting. Here is the long story, only a week late!

Similar to last year with Ellie, when I was pregnant with Emery, I had a hard time thinking too much about when she'd actually be here and what our new life would be like. I spent most of the pregnancy ignoring what was actually happening and focusing on trying to keep Ellie's life as normal as it ever was.

Our girls are 15 months apart. That's crazy. People ask us if we were planning on having another one so soon after Ellie and I don't think David and I have a real answer for that. Sure, we knew it was a possibility, but were actually completely shocked when we found out I was pregnant again when Ellie was just 7 months old. We barely told anyone for about a month, pushed off calling the doctor, and didn't really talk about it--it took us a little while just to be able to think about it by ourselves. The next 9 months were difficult for me; emotionally, physically, mentally.

Emotionally, I struggled with what baby number 2 meant for baby number 1. I worried about being the best mom that Ellie deserved despite everything else I was dealing with. Physically, I was tired, I gained a ton of weight (again, on top of the weight that was still there from Ellie), had crazy heartburn, lots of pelvic pressure, and stretch marks. Mentally, I questioned if this would mess up Ellie's life, how we would afford another kid, how we would accomplish daily tasks, how to balance life, pregnancy, and work. My coping strategy for dealing with all of that was to ignore it. For the past nine months, I've felt like a shell of my old self, unable to really be present to anything that was happening in my world except for my time with Ellie. I think it was all too overwhelming for me and I didn't feel as happy as I thought I should feel and it made it hard to live and interact in normal ways.

I had a hard time connecting with the baby that was growing inside me. I was just anxious to get to the end and to not be pregnant anymore. I started telling people at work that I was going to have this baby 3 weeks early (the earliest date she could live healthfully), and then would explain that no, I am in no way ready to have another baby, but I'm so ready to be done being pregnant. When I went in for my 38 week appointment and my blood pressure had sky-rocketed, I started freaking out. I had joked (stupidly) the night before that I wanted to find a way to make my blood pressure high for my appointment so they would induce me because of pre-eclampsia. I didn't get induced that day, but was sent to Labor & Delivery to have my blood pressure monitored and some labs run--all of which cleared me to go home. I was sent home with a few giant bottles to collect all of my urine for the next 24 hours. This would give the doctors a more accurate test of the protein in my urine and a more definite diagnosis of pre-eclampsia.

David worked the next day and I was home with Ellie. We hung out at home, went to the grocery store, and tried our first ever White Castle for lunch. When David got home, I went to the office quickly, thinking that I should get a few things in line in case I ended up staying at the hospital, but mostly planning on being back for a meeting at 4:30. I went to the hospital and had to go through all of the paperwork to get admitted for tests again, they sent my urine bottles off to the lab and hooked me up to the blood pressure machine. My blood pressure was consistently higher than normal, but not over the "emergency" range my doctor had told me about. After about 45 minutes, they came to tell me that everything seemed fine so they'd have me wait for my urine results in the waiting room.

At that point I was expecting to go home, and I wasn't sure how I felt about it. I wanted to be induced and I wanted to be sent home to prepare for it another day. I think I told David that I wasn't prepared for either result. I didn't want to be pregnant (and worried about my blood pressure) anymore, but I wasn't ready to leave Ellie, go through labor & delivery, and have a newborn either. It was a matter of minutes after being told I'd be sent to the waiting room that the doctor came back in to tell me that my results were 306 and 300 is the limit for pre-eclampsia, so I was going to be induced. I asked if I was allowed to leave the hospital and she said no. So now what? David is at home trying to cook dinner for Ellie and I'm stuck at the hospital about to have a baby.

David called everyone to figure out what needed to happen. I had a seemingly incompetent (and I think brand new) nurse dig in my wrist to place the IV. David and Ellie came to hang out with me at the hospital. Ellie watched her Elmo video on the portable DVD player and sat in my lap, curious about the tubes and tape stuck to my arms. I cried. David tried to hold everything together. I asked him to take some pictures, this was the last time it would just be us, our family of 3 (4 with Aldy, but obviously he wasn't allowed at the hospital). Ellie had no idea.

We were moved to our birthing room which was equipped with a giant bathtub and birthing ball that Ellie enjoyed. They started the induction process and I was told that because of my diagnosis of pre-eclampsia I would have to be given a drug called Magnesium Sulfate throughout my labor and for 24 hours after delivery. I was told that it would make me feel like I had the flu, but would prevent me from having seizures. Awesome! Mike came to pick up Ellie to wait for grandparents to arrive to take care of her for the night and right before they left, the nurse came to tell me that they had to pad my bed rails because of the possibility of seizures. She told me this moments before I said goodbye to my baby girl. That was terrible. The medicine made it almost impossible for me to see anything. My eyes couldn't focus on anything near or far and I would get headaches if I even tried. I felt exhausted and weak the whole time I was in labor and all the nurses kept commenting that the medicine was awful, but was better for us in the long run.

I was induced with pitocin, the same as with Ellie, but it didn't work the same way this time. My labor was slow, there wasn't much pain, contractions were sporadic. I had to have a catheter in, which was the most painful part at the beginning. A doctor came to break my water and I'm not sure what he did, but it was super painful, took forever, and he and the nurse kept apologizing during and after the process. I continued to "progress," but it was very slow. Sometime near midnight I asked to have an epidural, hoping I'd be able to sleep some during the night. The doctor that placed my epidural wasn't very nice and had to do it twice to make sure he did it right. At this point, I felt like everything was going terribly--things that happened seamlessly during Ellie's delivery were extremely painful and uncomfortable this time. I was convinced this baby wasn't ready to come out, and felt so guilty for the attitude I'd had towards her for the past nine months. We continued through the night, sleeping as much as possible between visits from doctors and nurses, worried about our parents that refused to go home to sleep and were camped out in the waiting room. Sometime in the early morning I asked the nurse if I could eat after I delivered and she told me that unfortunately I wouldn't be able to eat for as long as I was on the Magnesium Sulfate (24 hours after delivery). Argh! Food at this point was like the only thing that I could imagine to motivate and reward myself for going through this, and now I didn't even have that.

I was exhausted, hungry, and defeated. Everything seemed to be going wrong and my feelings that our baby wasn't ready to come into the world were growing. I wished I could take back every negative thought I ever had about this pregnancy to take care of her a little longer. I slowly continued to progress until around 9:30 when we started getting ready to push. When Ellie was born Chris Rock was being interviewed on David Letterman--a funny but weird thing I'll always remember. David told me he thought that this one was going to be born during Regis & Kelly (a guilty pleasure of mine before life got crazy!), but 10:00 rolled around and Regis & Kelly was replaced by Let's Make a Deal and David turned off the TV. The bright spot of this labor was that a doctor I really enjoyed from our practice was going to be the one to deliver our girl. He was fun, friendly, and made me feel comfortable. Pushing was harder this time, with Ellie it just happened so fast and easily, this time I had to work to try and figure out the right way to push. Our second, beautiful, amazing little girl was born at 10:08 am on Friday, July 8th--exactly 15 months after Ellise.

It felt so much different this time. I think it was partly because I had such a difficult time connecting with this pregnancy with everything else going on in our life and partly because of the drugs that were being pumped into my system, but when she finally came out I just remember flopping my head back to the pillow and closing my eyes. So relieved to be done. It's hard to admit that I didn't feel instantly overwhelmed with emotion the way I did with Ellie, I was just tired and relieved. They put her up on my chest and I tried to look at her, but could barely keep my eyes open, much less focused on her. The nurse asked if it was okay to take her to clean her up and it was fine. While they were working on her, she was "singing," which we thought was cute at first, but soon found out that the noise was actually a sign of respiratory distress (that could be caused by the magnesium sulfate). Eventually they brought her back over to me and hearing her struggle for breath, and root around on my neck was enough to make me fall in love and worry like the worrier I am. She was soft, tiny, warm and sweet. I was so happy to have her in my arms--to be done with the waiting game of pregnancy and the stress of delivery. She was here, and we were more of family now than we had ever been before.

home

the calm

I think there are a few moments in every life that will always stand out as being extraordinary. Anyone watching these moments from the outside would think nothing of them, but to be in these moments, there is clarity and passion, and a feeling that in this very instant your whole life is falling into line.

Both of my moments have felt the same. The first was forever ago, shortly after David and I had met. It was in the middle of a swirling snowstorm, in the middle of the night. It was so early in our friendship that we were still so awkward about touching each other; so much so that if our arms brushed up against each other while we were walking, it would feel tingly and exciting. David was leaving my dorm after bringing over a CD he had burned for me and the next day, we’d both leave Denison and go home for a month for the holidays. We had already said goodbye, but it didn’t feel right. I asked David if I could have a hug, and he came back to meet me, and we stood in the middle of the quad with the snowflakes falling around us and we hugged. It felt like the whole world was spinning and still at the same time. In the weeks, months, and eventually years since that moment on the quad, David and I have tumbled through our relationship, and all the ups and downs that have shaped it. We've laughed and we've fought, but through it all, I have to say I never really questioned whether this was how my life should be.

Right before Ellise was born, David and I were alone in the delivery room for a few minutes. We were listening to a song from that CD that David had made for me years earlier. We put our heads together and sat there without saying anything. All the memories of the things that had brought us to that moment came flooding over me. I was overwhelmed with every emotion that I’d ever felt, and at the same time, also felt completely calm. I had a sense that “this is it.” Whatever had happened before and whatever would come in the future were all settled in this moment, of us being together about to start our family, and knowing that everything was exactly as it should be.

It’s not (too much of) an exaggeration to say that every moment following that one has been chaotic. We’re still struggling to find our new life, figure out our new roles as parents, decide what is important to us and how to fit that into our daily adventures. If that doesn’t sound daunting enough, I have to admit that 14 months later we’re still trying to figure out how to keep our floors, dishes, and clothes clean, plan meals, save money, take regular showers, keep our dog from running away and (most importantly?) be nice to each other now that Ellie demands so much of our attention. The pessimist in me wants to say that most days we fail at most of these tasks. More objectively, I can realize that at the end of the day, regardless of whatever happened, we’re still all happiest just because we're together and I hope that’s the only thing that will ever matter.

As we're looking forward to welcoming our second daughter into our crazy world, I'm thinking frequently of these moments that had the power to remind me of what was important in my life; hoping that I can find a way to realize that no matter how out of control every day is going to seem in the next few months, everything is really exactly as it should be. (That's so much easier than trying to actually figure out how we're going to wrangle both of the kids...)

weekly highlights

• going out on a date (sans ellie) for the first time... ever? it was awesome, but still hard not to feel rushed and want to be home with her. we'll just have to keep practicing.
• having the basement this close to being done and done. we got carpet installed and ordered a mattress this week!
• we created our official family band when we bought an instrument set at the toy store. ellie loves it almost as much as david. (today i caught him not handing her the trumpet when she reached out for it)
  
• having a few free hours on saturday (again, sans ellie) to actually clean our house. it's kind of back to the mess today, but it was a great chance to get to all--i mean, some--of the things that we've been putting off since we've been chasing our little walking girl around the house.
• yep, that's right, she is officially walking! over and over again to try to get to alden's food bowl.
  
• hanging out with liz and justin and their cats. ellie looooves cats.
  

for nanny (and anyone else who still checks!)

Things have been a little busy around here. I swear I suggested the name Explorer when I was pregnant and so far, that name would fit her so perfectly!
The past month has been exciting for us. Ellie had her last day of piano lessons at Laura'sWe really lucked out with the "find a random person to watch your baby while you work" thing and it was a sad day for all of us when we knew it was the last time she'd hang with this cool family. On the other hand, Ellie is super happy to be hanging out with her dad who never misses a chance to make her wear a goofy hat.Here are a few of Ellie's favorite new tricks:

Carrying everything and anything with her as she walks. If there's something on the floor and she's nearby, she has to pick it up. She takes after us with our incessant cleanliness.

Cheesing for the camera (and anyone else that looks):

Participating in tupperware drum circles with Chris and Daddy:

Exploring at Gymboree with Finnboy:

And refining her cheerleading skills:

There, all those pics make up for the lack of posts for the last month, right?

the great diaper challenge

It took me half an hour to change Ellie's diaper this morning. How, you ask? First, as mentioned before, she can't sit still, so convincing her to lay on her back is a daunting task. I'll let her play with just about anything so I can take care of business. She loses interest in things pretty quickly, but a few past favorites have been her nasal spray, diaper cream, pig-duck toy, and bag of wipes. The current favorite is the clean diaper. Really, I think she's trying to figure out how to open it up and put it on by herself, she's just such a helper. Even with all those tricks, this morning was beyond beyond. I know I stopped and just sat for a few minutes, but I can't remember if I laughed or cried at the absurdity. Girl! You're seven months old! Slow your roll!

I put her down on the carpet (because the changing table is entirely too small and too high). She rolled over to her belly. I pulled her back. Repeated multiple times. Removed clothing and diaper. She rolled over to her belly. She peed on the rug (while singing, of course). I figured I might as well give her some diaper off time to see what she had in mind since the worst had already happened. She wiggled herself right over to Daddy's guitar to play with the strings. I finished wiping, applied dipe cream, then picked her up to reposition her on her back. She squirted out a poop! Luckily, she aimed for the diaper waiting for her, but still! Begin the whole process again. I put the diaper on her while she was squirming on her belly.

We've had lots of fun diaper off times this week. Last night, while she was walking around the house in nothing but her socks before bathtime, she peed on the hallway floor, on me, and again on the bathroom floor. The last shot included a stinky little squirt on the corner of the bathmat. (We needed a new one anyways!) The logic of "she just peed, so we should be good for a while," apparently doesn't apply.