non-wedding cake #1

I really love baking.  I also really hate it.  It takes up so much time, makes a huge mess, we never seem to have the right ingredients, and I'm entirely too impatient to do anything right (measuring cups? we have a few, but I always default to using the same 1/2 cup and lose count of how many scoops I've added 50% of the time).  Why do I love it?  There is nothing better than making something pretty, delicious, and share-able.  I love baking when things work out.

I'm super interested in making a wedding cake and thought that before I really committed myself to partaking in such a huge endeavor, I should at least try to see if I could make a stacked cake.  One amazing (and uninformed) trip to the cake supply store later, I couldn't help but dive in.  I usually only bake now on the rare occasion that both girls are sleeping at the same time.  That, coupled with the never ending to-do-list that I happily put on hold, force me to bake with a terrible sense of urgency.  Knowing that one or both of the girls will probably wake up and derail me any minute, means I just better get everything done that minute.  And, if you're thinking that probably doesn't help my impatient, messy, not-exact baking style? you're right.  I try to do things all at once, skip steps, or realize I don't have enough of something in the middle of the recipe during most undertakings.  Luckily, I'm building a sense of what works and keep the iPad close to Google away and speed bumps.

This cake didn't take long at all and it wasn't hard.  I learned from some of my mistakes with buttercream, and think that it'll spread smoother next time.  I baked the cakes during naptime, and made frostings and frosted intermittently while we bathed the girls, put them to bed, then brought them back out to play because they weren't sleeping. A total of 4-5 hours of work.  Ellie told me the cake was pretty.  The only way we could convince her not to stick her fingers in it that night was by telling her that we had to wait for Fifi to come over to eat it the next day. 

As promised, Finn came over, and after we added to our set of pictures they'll hate us for later, we all ate some cake.  A rich, dense chocolate cake with vanilla buttercream icing.  Delish.  I brought 1/2 of it to work and we finished the rest within the week :)

And of course, the pictures that Jess took make the cake so much prettier than it really was.  How does she do it???

woops

Goodness.

It seems like I've hit the wall where demands at work + demands at home have overwhelmed my life and there is very little time for anything unnecessary. 

So thankful for Ellie who's picking up the slack.

 

Right now, it's a good day if we wash the dishes after dinner and have 5 minutes of downtime before going to bed.  Anytime I get enough time to myself to do anything special, I feel anxious that what I'm doing isn't the best possible choice considering everything I want to and need to do.  So, blogging has taken a back seat for sure.  The girls are great (except for the all-too-common cold for ellie). David and I are chugging along, still trying to figure out... well, everything, it seems.

i heart weekends (and extra an hour in a day!)

As each work week passes, I find myself counting on the weekend more and more.  It’s the best (only?) time I have to run errands, clean the house, tackle projects, crafts, and recipes, and really hang out hardcore with my girls.  What does hardcore hanging out look like?

This weekend we had donuts for breakfast (courtesy of a stealth pre-wake-up trip by David), spent too long at the craft store, bought new clothes, got smoothies, made new toys and accessories, hung out in the bedroom tent (Ellie is OBSESSED), resisted sleep, went to the grocery, made cupcakes, ate cupcakes, took a walk, helicoptered in the field, ran home, visited Finn, visited with neighbors, and hugged it out while Barney sang “we’re a happy family.”  In between all that I was amazed at Ellie’s new words and drawings, Mimi’s generous smiles, and snuck in plenty of kisses and squeezes to both my lovelies.   

I’m completely exhausted (as I sit here typing this one handed as Meems reluctantly sleeps in my other arm—excuse my brevity), but all of this is what I love.    

As Rihanna says, “cheers to the freakin’ weekend…”

frantic want-to GTD

David and I made “want to” and “have to” lists that we try to keep updated in our kitchen to keep us on track with getting things done.  Our usual “have to” list includes mowing the lawn, cleaning the kitchen and the floors, and finishing up a few projects that we’ve started but not finished (how fun).  Most of my “want to” list is made up of things that I want to spruce up around the house.  Today, armed with the power of the grandparent army, I found the strength to tackle a project on my "want to" list. 

First, I had to go gather supplies.  Without a definite plan, I made an unsatisfying stop at Home Depot, then headed through insane Sunday traffic to JoAnn Fabrics.  I came home with a few fabric purchases and decided that I would try to re-cover the gnarly seat cushion on Ellie’s Stokke Tripp Trapp Chair.  A super great deal on eBay, we had to accept the gruesome beige cover that came with it.  Aside from being un-fun, it is pretty disgusting—a fact that we can’t blame solely on the previous owners (you’ve seen Ellie feed herself yogurt, right?).

The fabric I ended up with wouldn't have been my first choice if I had endless time to search and money to spend, but I was excited that it was on sale, it was bright and fun, and really girly.  I consulted briefly with my mom, who actually knows how to sew, about how I should go about the project… then, quickly growing impatient, decided just to start.  I took the iPad into the purple room and looked up “diy tripp trapp cushion”.    

On a side note, can I show you the purple room?  Intended to be an art space, here’s what we’ve got going on.   

That's where I planned, cut, ironed, and sewed this entire project, see the sewing machine?  David says it looks like we’re hoarders.  And while I’m confessing to our craziness, this is what the kitchen looks like when I bake. 

Haha. (will you ever eat any of my treats again?)

Anyways, I got pretty excited when I found a rough tutorial outline online and started on my own.  Things seemed to be going well, the sewing machine was working, Ellie and Emery were occupied and I was making great progress.  Until I wasn’t.  The tutorial I found was written by a French person, who wasn’t awesome at explaining anything in English.  It got me started, but after consulting it multiple times (swearing more than I have in the past year) ripping out stitches to try things different ways, running out of bobbin thread (convincing David to reload it), and chasing down Alden after he ran away, my heart was racing and I was frustrated that I had wasted my precious weekend time on such a failure.  This is when my internal conversation turns to “this is why it’s not worth it to do anything,” and “you should’ve just been home playing with the girls.”  Probably because of David’s optimism (foolishness?) I kept going and ditched the tutorial.  Just to give you some perspective I’m pretty sure one of the steps in the tutorial said “put the right side of the back side of the bottom cushion on top of 2 of the four layers of batting”.  Yeah, that wasn’t happening.  

I finally figured out the right way to put all the pieces together, and then continued to eff up the seam about 5 times before finally getting it right.  Convinced at this point that it wouldn’t even fit on the chair, I was prepared for defeat, but…

It actually worked!  Since I couldn’t be bothered with precise little details, David was kind enough to read some directions and figure out how to make the extra large button hole for the strap to pass through (after this pic was snapped).  Voila!  We did it!  Without tears!  When Ellie saw it she…. didn’t really care.  She did tap it a few times, though.  Probably her way of saying, "holy crap, that's awesome!"

hi-ho, hi-ho

We’ve made it through two “part-time” weeks with me back at work.  I started back last Tuesday, and didn’t work more than 5 hours in any day, but it was still an adjustment for everyone.  I surprised myself with how emotional I was on Tuesday morning afternoon as I was getting ready.  It doesn’t matter that the girls are staying at home or that the girls are staying with their dad or that I know it is so much easier to walk out the door and head to work for a few hours.  It still makes me so sad to leave them for so long every day.  A flood of emotions came over me: sadness at the sweet moments I would miss, guilt for the tough moments David would face, anxiety about what kind of stress I would find at work, disappointment at all the things that didn’t get accomplished during maternity leave.  I cried before I left, then pulled it together long enough to almost make it to my office before starting to cry again.  I said it last time I went back, and was reminded again this time that I am so incredibly lucky to work with a group of extremely supportive and compassionate women who were there to comfort me, distract me, and make me laugh. 

Maybe the most surprising thing about my feelings upon returning to work is the extreme guilt I have about leaving David at home with the girls.  First, because I’m still not sure that I can convince myself that anything is more important than being around to grow your children.  (oh, right, food, money, and healthcare rank up there too..?)  Second because being a stay-at-home parent is exhausting.  Yes, he’s proved himself as more than capable (and I think willing, too?) in his time caring for Ellie and (now) Emery, but there’s just no way around the fact that taking care of an infant is so hard.  Emery depends on us (him, during the day) for eeeeverythiiiing.  Ellie wants us (him, during the day) for everything.  I’ve been home with them for a few days by myself and while I never really felt like it was any harder than being here with David, I know it’s a whole different mentality where you’re crazy lucky if you have even a 5 minute period of time to think about yourself.   A few hours of that and you find yourself in complete physical/mental/emotional burnout.   On top of that, David struggles just a whole lot little bit with interrupted sleep.  I check in as much as I can and do whatever I can to help out around home when I’m not here, but being torn between work and home is exhausting in its own way.  I’m just afraid we’re both going to melt down (ellie style?) at some point in the near future.  So far, for the most part, I think we’ve both been going out of our way to be encouraging and supportive for each other.  If we can keep it up (and David stays connected to the coffee IV we had installed last week) we’ll be good to go.

I often find myself thinking about a conversation I had with a coworker just after I found out I was pregnant with Emery.  This woman is crazy.  She talks a mile a minute, smokes a zillion cigarettes a day, has crazy organized notebooks and planners and calendars for everything, and has 2 kids just one year apart.  Already feeling overwhelmed with the demands of baby/self/marriage/home/work I asked her how she does it?  Does she ever have time just to rest?  Her answer, without hesitation:  nope… 

My goal every day is to keep going; to do whatever I can in every situation to keep all the balls I’m responsible for up in the air, and (most importantly) to stay calm enough to enjoy it all. 

And on that note, if you haven’t seen how awesome Ellie is at juggling, make sure she shows you next time you see her.

bragging

We’re super lucky (and endlessly thankful) that our parents are willing to travel across the state to spend time with their granddaughters and provide (much needed) support to us!  I think I can speak for David in saying that in addition to the little relief their visits provide, we’ve also enjoyed getting to spend extra time with our parents, letting them see more of our daily life, talk with them about whatever comes up, see our daughters enjoy their visits, and attempt to provide them with some good food and somewhat comfortable sleeping arrangements to help return some of the goods they’ve passed our way over the past 28 years.

We’ve enjoyed a few date nights… mostly consisting of 2 overly tired parents in puke-stained clothes questioning whether or not we remembered to put deodorant on that day heading out to find the closest/quickest/cheapest bite to eat.  That doesn’t sound appealing to you?  Well, it is super awesome to us.  The pure simplicity of being able to leave the house without considering feeding schedules, naptimes, toddler shoes (which we seem to forget on about half of all trips), diaper bags, carseats and strollers is too pleasant for words.  Other times we just depend on our parents to help us be better parents and make the time to clean the house, cut the grass, and take care of other things that happened so easily a few years ago. 

I had one particular day a few weeks ago when Grandma came up, when I was feeling so accomplished I decided to take pictures of my spoils! 

Behold: 

I finished the beginning of updating our desk stools to go with our new living room/office space.  Still need to make the edges pretty and paint the legs.

Here are the results of a few hours worth of sorting, organizing, and folding clothes to update the girls’ drawers with a space all for Emery and clothes that are more season-appropriate. 

Most amazingly of all (right, D?) I sorted, organized, and folded/hung all of my clothes.  My side of the closet (floor) hardly ever looks like this.  Some things never change, right mom & dad?

In my mind there were about 20 more things that were accomplished that day, but it must all be relative.  Some days I bet we don’t get anything “done”, but at least we can brag about making babies smile and laughing with/at/in spite of our girls.  And we can also brag about making babies.  (that’s what I heard when I read that last sentence back in my mind)

Thanks, ‘rents!

mama meltdown

Earlier this week, after spending the day home with the girls while David worked I thought it would be a good idea to take Ellie to JoAnn Fabrics to pick up a few things for some projects I've been thinking about and let her run around the store and explore. (She about melted my heart when I loaded her in the car and she looked over at Emery's empty seat and said "Mimi?" wondering where her sister was) Ellie did great at JoAnn's and was more than happy to walk along the wall of beads (that she could touch, but could NOT get off their hooks--perf!) and take in all their sparkly goodness. After a little disappointment on my part, realizing that some of my ideas for projects were either a.) too expensive, b.) too much work, or c.) too crazy we headed to the checkout with a few items.

We were greeted by a line with 5 or 6 people in front of us. We headed down the (awesomely designed) single-file aisle lined with (well thought out) trinkets and bottles and candy all perfectly reachable for my little explorer. I took a deep breath and was prepared to keep her contained and safe, with a little interest in not destroying the store. Soon after we were in line, a few customers piled in behind us. While I was bending down to put something back that Ellie had out, I hit into the woman's cart behind us. I apologized out loud, while silently wondering why the hell she was so close to me. Then she started making small talk; asking how old Ellie was, asking me what frame I liked and what color mat she should buy? Really? I swear I was more than pleasant with her, but inside my impatience was building (about to explode).

I'm not a patient person--I'll be the first to admit it, and David could probably give many examples of my inability to stay calm in crappy situations that aren't quickly getting better (red lights, traffic, lines, multi-step house projects, slow computers, interrupted favorite TV shows). It's gotten worse since having both babies. I only have a few moments to accomplish things that I want to do and if something isn't going right when I finally have the chance (or take/make the time), it's never going to happen. So, as we were standing in line without moving forward, feeling cornered by the customers behind us, and fighting all the products in Ellie's grabbing hands, I scooped Ellie up, left the stuff we were going to buy at the cashier and headed out to the car, crying.

I was exhausted, disappointed, and most of all, defeated. Taking the energy to make the trip and returning home empty handed... After talking to the parents and David and calming down, I was able to realize that Ellie had fun and it wasn't such a big deal. I just won't be able to do anything for a few more years. JK. Kinda.

The next day, armed with David's optimism (more on that later), and both of the girls, we headed back to JoAnn's and got all the goods. Our family is awesome. Haha.

the early bird

I woke up at 6:00 this morning and went right to the gym! I've been fighting with myself over this every morning this week-and on and off for the past long while-and today the good part of me finally won.

Work has been wholly unsatisfying lately; partly because my cases are not ready for me to take over, and partly because my "new job" might just be less satisfying than I'd care to admit. D and I are in a weird sort of limbo and we're mostly thinking we want to have a baby, but are not sure how to make this happen. Life (home, work, play) seems just beyond my control. I haven't been feeling good lately, so I haven't been working out well. During a workout earlier in the week I realized that I just don't have the willpower to put in a good quality work out at the end of the day. After a day full of canceled meetings or unanswered questions, all I know to do is walk instead of run, push the down arrow on whatever machine I find myself on, put down the weights and pick up the remote, etc. It's a familiar feeling these days: putting in the motions but not doing anything that feels "worthwhile".

I've felt this way before: after graduating from Denison and facing all sorts of ambiguity (where to live, where to work, how to get health insurance...). I found that the one thing I could control was what I did with my body. That was what spurred a new kind of working out, a new kind of eating, and inspired me to buy a bike and run a marathon (among other things, I'm sure). It feels good to know that in this one way, you are only accountable to yourself. It reminds me how important it is to be honest with yourself. No one else can tell whether or not I tried my hardest, but I know and I need to be able to acknowledge that so I can get...not just better, but get what I want out of life.

So today, I somehow convinced myself to roll out of bed when the alarm went off. I went to the gym, took A for a walk, took a shower, got ready for work, went to work, met D for lunch, did dishes, took the car for maintenance, cleaned out my purse, walked A to the farmer's market to meet D and pick up some dinner, cooked dinner, ate, and weeded the front garden. All day I've been thinking "what was the point of waking up early if you don't get stuff done?" I've been getting stuff done. And trust me, I'm not nearly as grumpy as I have been lately.

Now for SYTYCD!!!

GTD with kids?

we're starting to think more seriously about adding children to our family. it's a complicated thing to think about and even more complicated to actually imagine. this weekend we went to the street-fair in yellow springs, worked in the yard, and biked around too-busy streets for most of an afternoon. could we do these things with a kid in tow? would we?

we'd both love to be parents, and would be more than willing to adjust our lifestyle to include things that are kid-friendly... but it seems like everything would change and there are some things that i would like to keep the same.

possible?

comfort (food)

yesterday was awesome. i found myself sitting on the couch at noon drinking my (now rare!) cup of coffee after a run, some saturday morning disney shows, a walk with aldy, and some yard work and thinking "this is the best day ever." at the same time i thought that, i also thought that was so out of my character as of late--to just be totally, blissfully happy with what i was and was not doing? not happening much lately.

we traveled to cincinnati to have a great rib dinner with family. watched the cavs lose, inhaled 60 people's cigarettes at a bar, and slept in a bed that had to have been smaller than a twin. my attitude quickly spiraled downward. upon returning home today, i was faced with the fact that i had to finish my paperwork before 8:00 monday morning, my throat, nose, and back hurt, i was tired, and more than tired i was just grumpy.

it was so hard to find that same bliss i felt yesterday. i feel better about life when i'm getting things done, but i continue to struggle with deciding on what i want to get done. i'll have to figure this out eventually, but until then i will be frequenting noodles & company and getting a big ol' bowl of their macaroni and cheese, followed by a ginormous rice crispy treat. i refuse to look at their website for nutritional information; it's comfort at its finest.

any other (healthier) suggestions for maintaining a positive mental attitude through everyday (non-)events are welcome.

eat pray love

I've been semi-reading this book by Elizabeth Gilbert for the past month. I've enjoyed some of the insights, but so far it's not the kind of book that I can't put down. I really enjoyed this thought about making decisions in life:

"That's the thing about a human life--there's no control group, no way to ever know how any of us would have turned out if any variables had been changed."

While I'm sure I've recognized this sentiment many times, this seems to put it in a new, objective light. You'll never know the perfect answer or what could have happened if things were different. Do something, enjoy it, and move on!

Ode to my Bedroom

We painted the bedroom a color we liked,
We bought a duvet cover on sale.
We painted a wall design to go with the duvet.
We painted a canvas that was anything but pale.

I loved the painting,
but it clashed with the walls,
So we painted the walls
to match the painting's calls.

The walls made the painting pop,
but the duvet looked a little shabby,
So we painted a new design to tie it all together,
then realized it was making us crabby.

The new design didn't go with the painting,
so we re-painted the painting to tie it all in.

We finally bought a bed that was much different than we planned,
So we painted one wall to highlight the bed.
We bought a pillow that matched the walls,
but it clashes with the duvet instead.
YAH!

2 room colors, 3 wall designs, 2 paintings, 1 bed, and an inspired piece of poetry later, I'm thinking the duvet has got to go! Someday we'll make it work.

discomfort

I think I was a pretty sociable person in middle school. My interest in establishing new relationships has definitely been overshadowed more and more by my discomfort in new and out-of-my-control situations. Deep down, I know I still crave true close friends and want strong relationships with family. That kind of relationship only grows from time and effort. I want to be the person that meets friends for lunch, invites family over for dinner, enjoys a leisurely conversation with the neighbor, celebrates birthdays, special events, and just "hangs."

I'm not that person. I'm very opposite that person. I like forethought and planning. I like to figure out the most efficient way to spend my days (accomplish the most amount of stuff in the least amount of time with the least inconvenience). I like to know what I'm eating for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a treat. I like to know the precise amount of time it will take for me to get from here to there (you don't need to stop to pee!). I like to be in control. When I feel I'm in control, I am comfortable. When I am immersed in a group of people that have no reason to yield to my quirky preferences and GTD necessities, I am uncomfortable!

[you want to meet for dinner tonight? sorry, i have already planned our meal, written it on the dry erase board, bought the groceries, and been thinking about it all day]

So, a BYO-everything dinner party at a semi-co-worker's house with no established ending time overwhelms me a little bit. I know I have to go because my husband wants to go. He enjoys (and thrives at) meeting new people, finding common interests, and sharing information in a comfortable, laid-back way. I know I have to go because I weasel my way out of most of the very few invitations we receive. D knows my discomfort in these situations, so he gives me a start time and end time for the affair. I still drag my feet, take a little too long to get ready and we show up a little later than planned.

We are the second ones there. We share cookies and appetizers. I am relieved when I learn that the other guest is interesting enough to carry the conversation. Is he looking at me like I'm crazy? More people we know arrive. I find an out of the way spot in the center of everything, lean against the wall. Try not to cross my arms. I make eye contact, smile, and nod. I try to contribute to the conversation but it never seems quite right. I try not to try too hard, relax. I tell myself not to look at my watch. These are interesting people. I don't need to be doing anything else. Our planned departure time comes, and while the party is winding down and I'm ready to go, D is the one that initiates leaving. I don't feel like I need to get out of there. I probably don't want to stay, but I don't NEED to get of there.

Nothing extraordinary happened tonight. Nothing extraordinary usually happens when I force myself to partake in less-preferred activities, but I'm glad that I went. I'm glad that I'm learning more about my issues with socialization and not totally giving up on it! There are so many interesting people in the world. So many things that you'd never expect in others. Being around new people makes me excited to just be comfortable being myself and sharing myself with others. So, I'm learning....

And I should probably start drinking alcohol again.

ohyea! ohyea!

That is the victory cry of a satisfied woman! I feel like I actually USED my time today! For the past few days I've been trying to tell myself that I have to pick 3 things to complete each day. Sure, I've gotten stuff done (exercise, grocery store, dinners, puppy time, showers!), but I've not really gone out of my way to tackle projects that have been on my mind.

Tonight I can proudly report my 3 things for Thursday:

1. I cleaned out our fridge. I don't just mean I removed expired, moldy, and suspiciously congealed substances (I did that, too), but I CLEANED out our fridge. Took out the drawers, used soap and water, rearranged the shelves, and put the food back purposefully (most frequently used condiments on the top shelf, one side-drawer of tomato products, etc.). It was disgusting (not surprisingly as we haven't cleaned it at all since we've lived here...) and now it is mostly pretty clean and that makes me happy.

2. When I was in high school, Papa taught me that after you finished one coat of paint in a room, you could store the roller and brushes in a plastic bag in the refrigerator to keep it moist before you use it again. I love that I don't have to clean out rollers and brushes immediately following a painting project. I love it so much that I just stored 2 rollers and 3 brushes in the fridge for most of a year! So, I cleaned out the fridge, and followed that up by cleaning out our paint supplies. To continue the trend I washed our laundry tub and! I cleaned out the lint trap!

3. A long time ago I heard that you could substitute avocado for the fat in baking recipes. I've been meaning to try it, but never have. Cookies taste just fine with butter, thank you! But tonight I made our newly found "Peanut Butter Surprise" recipe with 1/2 butter and 1/2 avocado (baby steps). The cookies turned out a little differently than most cookies, but they're not green, they don't taste like guacamole, and they turned out. They just seem to taste a bit healthier. So you can eat 3-5 cookies and not feel so bad about it!