can we talk about mimi?

It's been more than 2 months since I last blogged.  That wouldn't bother me so much if I could otherwise report that we were still taking pictures, that I was updating scrapbooks and monthly notes--but I'm not.  Not really doing any of it.  If we don't already know it yet, it's becoming more apparent with every new milestone in the girls' lives that time keeps flying by us whether we stop to soak it in or not.  I don't want to get caught up in documenting everything so much that I can't just be present in the moments, but SO much is happening every day that it's too easy to forget the little things that make our days and fill our hearts.

Our 'normal' changes everyday, and I'm always bummed when something happens that reminds me that our daughters are growing up right in the middle of our busy, distracted, stressed out lives.  Remember when Ellie used to ask us to open everything by saying "boppy!"?  Getting only more animated if we didn't initially respond?  Remember when she first started calling Yo Gabba Gabba "yagwabbubbwa"?  She says full sentences now, and makes jokes, and cracks us up with her observations and attempts to explain things ("my not sleep now, my awake.").  She introduces herself and her family to kids she meets at the park.  She remembers things, tells me about her day, pretends to go to work or check me out at the doctor, and asks to buy things.  Every day is filled with fun, and learning, and definitely testing boundaries ("my bad, ellie run away.")

But this post is about my MimiGirl, who too easily gets bowled over by the swirling tornado of Ellie.  She's growing up, too.  After struggling through an intense, freakish, and equally awesome and annoying bout of attachment to me, she's becoming more independent everyday.  She'll show you her mad face, what a fish says, and how big she is.  If you tell her 'no,' she knows what it means but she probably won't listen.  The girl can crawl, and the girl can cruise.  Our nice little box of a house has proved to be the perfect domain for her as she makes her way in and out of every single room by walking while supporting herself on the walls.  Mimi has moments when she is perfectly content to just cruise back and forth, push buttons on the cable box, pull books and trinkets off the shelves, and bang her head repeatedly into the couch play by herself.  Somehow, she's not nearly as dependent on us as I feel like she should be.  It's been almost a year, after all, but I still feel like she's my baby.

We don't have much time left.  She's on the brink of walking for real, and seems excited by the prospect.

It won't be long before we're trying to convince her to be a better listener, or eat/sleep/behave better because she's a big girl.  Growing up is a double-edged sword, but she doesn't know it yet.
 

oh happy day

Taking the day off work + getting cable installed + unsolicited snuggles from Ellie = love

growing up

Mimi had her 6 month check up today and made Mama proud by being all cute to the doctor, "waving" when she came in, and just overall being the most adorable thing ever. Her current obsessions are busting a move (our whole family will happily demonstrate her style for you, complete with rahzel-like sound effects) and tearing up paper.  As you can see she was more than pleased with the paper on the exam table.  Good thing they didn't make us wait too long. 

She did great. Chunkier than ever. And her head?  Prominent ridges, but nothing to worry about. 
It was amazing to watch her looking for me for reassurance during the scarier parts of the exam.  I made sure to have the goofiest "yaaay, this is the greatest thing that will ever happen to you!" grin on my face.  I was able to bring her back from whimpers a few times... until the nurse stabbed her repeatedly in the thighs.

Every day, she becomes more of a real person and I can't help but wonder what kind of person she'll turn out to be.  I think I'm most excited about when she'll start interacting with Ellie (more than just pulling her hair or smiling at her).  I'm so curious (and anxious and scared!) about what their relationship will be.  I still remember throwing hairbrushes at Jess in middle school.   

resolutions

i heart weekends (and extra an hour in a day!)

As each work week passes, I find myself counting on the weekend more and more.  It’s the best (only?) time I have to run errands, clean the house, tackle projects, crafts, and recipes, and really hang out hardcore with my girls.  What does hardcore hanging out look like?

This weekend we had donuts for breakfast (courtesy of a stealth pre-wake-up trip by David), spent too long at the craft store, bought new clothes, got smoothies, made new toys and accessories, hung out in the bedroom tent (Ellie is OBSESSED), resisted sleep, went to the grocery, made cupcakes, ate cupcakes, took a walk, helicoptered in the field, ran home, visited Finn, visited with neighbors, and hugged it out while Barney sang “we’re a happy family.”  In between all that I was amazed at Ellie’s new words and drawings, Mimi’s generous smiles, and snuck in plenty of kisses and squeezes to both my lovelies.   

I’m completely exhausted (as I sit here typing this one handed as Meems reluctantly sleeps in my other arm—excuse my brevity), but all of this is what I love.    

As Rihanna says, “cheers to the freakin’ weekend…”

halloween 2011

I think today was the first celebrate-able holiday of Ellie’s life!  I have big (really silly and unrealistic) ideas about what holidays will look like around the Love-Stronghold and today we did pretty not-bad, considering our primary participant was an almost 19 month old who would love absolutely anything if it involved sugary treats and who won’t remember a minute of it.

We pretty much failed at any forward planning, but were able to pull together a decent amount of excitement with minimal effort and almost no money.

The fall festivities started with a family visit to Lynd’s Fruit Farm, where Ellie was terrified of everything, but fell in love with the rocky gravel.  We convinced her to explore the pumpkin field and apple orchard after she spent a good while digging in the parking lot.

David dug the “pumpkin” box out of storage and spruced up the house with pumpkin candles, wood decorations, scarecrows (“guys” as Ellie says), and fake fall flowers.  He drew spooky spider webs on our front windows (to mirror the real one on the back window---EEK!). 

We decorated pumpkins and participated in a practice trick-or-treat at my office.  Ellie started balling the minute she walked into our office, but it was not so bad that a lollipop couldn’t make it better.  She enjoyed walking around the halls, but refused to talk to or take candy from anyone.

We talked about costumes (barely): Muno?  Brobee?  Fufa?  The fat toddler that ate too many Sugar Babies? but the craziness of daily life reigned supreme and we found ourselves on Halloween afternoon with a previously made tutu, a wand from Grandma, a bunch of pink clothes, wire, scraps of tulle, and purple duct tape.  What does that mean?  Abby Cadabby, of course!  A little bit of washable marker on the face and we were good to go.  

Tonight, we were those parents.  First: the ones that bribe their kids with candy to don goofy outfits and pose for pictures and, Second: the ones that walk their too-young-to-really-eat-candy kids around the neighborhood to do our dirty work for us.  We made out pretty well!

(sorry for the crap pics, we're not jessicalovephotography, you know?)

happiness

These are the results of my not so scientific study on what makes me happy, or at least what made me happy from mid-September to mid-October, 2011.  Nothing too surprising, really, and the values are probably more indicative of the ways I spend my time than anything else, but interesting nonetheless.


Analysis:

• I know the girls make me smile, laugh, and gush with pride.
• I find ways to treat myself even with limited time.  Unfortunately the self/happy category was mostly made up of getting extra sleep or extra food.  Those things should probably start to change to more useful and healthy treats to help me actually be happy with my self.
• Low results for house and husband were probably influenced more than any other category by lack of time and energy.  In the craziness that is our current life, those things have (sadly) faded into the background.  The silver lining to that cloud is that I think these things are okay enough to take a backseat for a little while. And yes, David does factor into the happiness of family time, but in my ideal world, I'd mention my husband more specifically, more often as a happiness trigger.
• I am pleasantly surprised by the number of work-related events that I recalled fondly at the ends of my days.  It's hard not to just see work as a necessary evil taking me a way from the girls, so I should try to appreciate it whenever I can.
• I wish I could think/write about this more, but I'm holding the infant that refuses to sleep alone at night, and typing with one hand is definitely NOT making me (or her) happy.

hi-ho, hi-ho

We’ve made it through two “part-time” weeks with me back at work.  I started back last Tuesday, and didn’t work more than 5 hours in any day, but it was still an adjustment for everyone.  I surprised myself with how emotional I was on Tuesday morning afternoon as I was getting ready.  It doesn’t matter that the girls are staying at home or that the girls are staying with their dad or that I know it is so much easier to walk out the door and head to work for a few hours.  It still makes me so sad to leave them for so long every day.  A flood of emotions came over me: sadness at the sweet moments I would miss, guilt for the tough moments David would face, anxiety about what kind of stress I would find at work, disappointment at all the things that didn’t get accomplished during maternity leave.  I cried before I left, then pulled it together long enough to almost make it to my office before starting to cry again.  I said it last time I went back, and was reminded again this time that I am so incredibly lucky to work with a group of extremely supportive and compassionate women who were there to comfort me, distract me, and make me laugh. 

Maybe the most surprising thing about my feelings upon returning to work is the extreme guilt I have about leaving David at home with the girls.  First, because I’m still not sure that I can convince myself that anything is more important than being around to grow your children.  (oh, right, food, money, and healthcare rank up there too..?)  Second because being a stay-at-home parent is exhausting.  Yes, he’s proved himself as more than capable (and I think willing, too?) in his time caring for Ellie and (now) Emery, but there’s just no way around the fact that taking care of an infant is so hard.  Emery depends on us (him, during the day) for eeeeverythiiiing.  Ellie wants us (him, during the day) for everything.  I’ve been home with them for a few days by myself and while I never really felt like it was any harder than being here with David, I know it’s a whole different mentality where you’re crazy lucky if you have even a 5 minute period of time to think about yourself.   A few hours of that and you find yourself in complete physical/mental/emotional burnout.   On top of that, David struggles just a whole lot little bit with interrupted sleep.  I check in as much as I can and do whatever I can to help out around home when I’m not here, but being torn between work and home is exhausting in its own way.  I’m just afraid we’re both going to melt down (ellie style?) at some point in the near future.  So far, for the most part, I think we’ve both been going out of our way to be encouraging and supportive for each other.  If we can keep it up (and David stays connected to the coffee IV we had installed last week) we’ll be good to go.

I often find myself thinking about a conversation I had with a coworker just after I found out I was pregnant with Emery.  This woman is crazy.  She talks a mile a minute, smokes a zillion cigarettes a day, has crazy organized notebooks and planners and calendars for everything, and has 2 kids just one year apart.  Already feeling overwhelmed with the demands of baby/self/marriage/home/work I asked her how she does it?  Does she ever have time just to rest?  Her answer, without hesitation:  nope… 

My goal every day is to keep going; to do whatever I can in every situation to keep all the balls I’m responsible for up in the air, and (most importantly) to stay calm enough to enjoy it all. 

And on that note, if you haven’t seen how awesome Ellie is at juggling, make sure she shows you next time you see her.

happy thoughts

There are a lot of times when I stay away from here because I know that all that's on my mind, or all that I can think of to say will come off as me complaining.  I want this to be a place where I can record my thoughts and figure things out and, in some way, hold myself accountable: so, mom and dad don't freak out, but I want to get some thoughts out :)

I can feel so defeated and exhausted with my (close to perfect) life.  I also simultaneously realize how incredibly pathetic my thoughts are that I don't even want to give them a (public?) voice.  Speaking rationally: I have the greatest life I could ever ask for.  My loves are healthy and happy.  I have a devoted husband, two amazing daughters, a supportive and fun extended family and friends, a safe place to live and dream, and a job.  I could go on, but those are just the basics; not even accounting for all the glorious luxuries that fill my days.  Even with all this, there are still times (more regular than I really want to admit) when I'm just sad.  I wish I could list some of the reasons I'm unhappy but there really isn't even a way to explain, and like I said above, even if I could list out some reasons each one would be shockingly absurd after recounting my charmed life.  In the past 2 months I can honestly say I've felt more happiness than I could have ever imagined and more sad and hopeless, too.  I want more happiness and (unrealistically, I know) really don't feel like there should be any sadness in my life.

Every day feels like a roller coaster, with each member of our family on a different track.  I can be so overwhelmed with happiness while laughing at something Ellie is doing while David might be stomping around because he's annoyed with his allergies.  Ten minutes later, Ellie might be on the floor crying because she can't have something she wants, I might be near tears because none of my clothes fit, and David and Emery might be cooing at each other while happily playing in the "ocean."  I get mad at David when he's grumpy, I feel like a worthless parent when I'm grumpy, and I'm probably a not-so-fun wife, either.  I think (hope!) that to some degree this is just a part of parenthood, and growing pains, and figuring out how to maintain a family/house/life outside of just one person, but it's hard and it seems to be getting harder everyday and I want our life to be fun, not hard.  


I've spent a good amount of time reading "self-help" books or books/information about happiness.  I know that something needs to change in my mind more than in my life to fix the times when I'm sad, but what do I do and how do I start?  One of the most basic things I've read about to start to change the way you think about your life is to start a "gratitude journal" where every day you recount the best things that happened.  I tried this near the end of my pregnancy with Emery.  My goal was to record three things that went well each day and why I thought they went well, and (as lousy as it sounds) most days I struggled to come up with a few.  That statement almost makes me laugh out loud!... To think that I couldn't think of great things while I had a beautiful daughter to enjoy as well as another one growing inside me is complete craziness.  But honestly, in my own personal journal, I couldn't just record 3 great things?  There's something wrong (and I know it's not with my life, but with my thoughts).

So my first step towards feeling (and thinking) better: I'm going to record the best things that happen each day.  Soon enough, what makes me "happy" should be apparent, and then I can make more of that happen in my life.  I feel like this is official, so hopefully that makes me stick to it.  I think it'd be rad (sounds like David, eh?) if you joined me.  If this doesn't work, I think I'll take Ellie's advice and resign myself to watching Yo Gabba Gabba episodes on repeat all day.

15 minute breakdown... GO!

The past 3 days, I've been trying to make time to update this blog, but it hasn't happened. So, while David is working, Ellie is napping, Emery is fighting sleep, and water is on to start compiling a casserole for dinner, I reheated my decaf coffee and I'm giving myself 15 minutes to get my thoughts out. That probably means no editing or re-reading for clarity, so good luck reading on.

I have to say, even though it probably doesn't look like it on the outside, we're getting in the swing of having two kids. (Shame on us for deciding to buy a new couch and proceed to re-do the entire living space of our house while adjusting.) Ellie's sleep has been mostly back to normal with an afternoon nap and a regular bedtime. We usually find one time period each day to do something to get all of us out of the house. We frequent Planet Smoothie, local parks, Jess, Mike & Finn's house, the grocery store, and Target. I've made time to bake some treats, David's gone mountain biking and the weather is cooler so we can spend time outside. Emery still keeps us guessing--it seems like she either wants to be up and eating all day or impossible to rouse. The only thing she's doing consistently is waking up more and more frequently with each passing night. Eek. Ellie was sleeping from 11 pm to 5 or 6am from the time she was 6 weeks old. Getting to watch middle of the night TV has even lost it's appeal.

I'm looking at the last few weeks I'll have off from work to spend entirely with my family with no other stresses to deal with. There have been days over the past 2 months that I've had to try really hard to be excited about (or event tolerate, who am I kidding?) the craziness of the demands at home. But I'll be bummed to have to go back to work and miss out on the awesome moments (no matter how few) that each day at home is guaranteed to bring.

Like today, for example, when Em spit up on Ellie's face when she was trying to give her a kiss <3

week six. and yes, i did think it was only week five.

put together while sipping a venti starbucks and bopping a baby to sleep.
booya.

mama meltdown

Earlier this week, after spending the day home with the girls while David worked I thought it would be a good idea to take Ellie to JoAnn Fabrics to pick up a few things for some projects I've been thinking about and let her run around the store and explore. (She about melted my heart when I loaded her in the car and she looked over at Emery's empty seat and said "Mimi?" wondering where her sister was) Ellie did great at JoAnn's and was more than happy to walk along the wall of beads (that she could touch, but could NOT get off their hooks--perf!) and take in all their sparkly goodness. After a little disappointment on my part, realizing that some of my ideas for projects were either a.) too expensive, b.) too much work, or c.) too crazy we headed to the checkout with a few items.

We were greeted by a line with 5 or 6 people in front of us. We headed down the (awesomely designed) single-file aisle lined with (well thought out) trinkets and bottles and candy all perfectly reachable for my little explorer. I took a deep breath and was prepared to keep her contained and safe, with a little interest in not destroying the store. Soon after we were in line, a few customers piled in behind us. While I was bending down to put something back that Ellie had out, I hit into the woman's cart behind us. I apologized out loud, while silently wondering why the hell she was so close to me. Then she started making small talk; asking how old Ellie was, asking me what frame I liked and what color mat she should buy? Really? I swear I was more than pleasant with her, but inside my impatience was building (about to explode).

I'm not a patient person--I'll be the first to admit it, and David could probably give many examples of my inability to stay calm in crappy situations that aren't quickly getting better (red lights, traffic, lines, multi-step house projects, slow computers, interrupted favorite TV shows). It's gotten worse since having both babies. I only have a few moments to accomplish things that I want to do and if something isn't going right when I finally have the chance (or take/make the time), it's never going to happen. So, as we were standing in line without moving forward, feeling cornered by the customers behind us, and fighting all the products in Ellie's grabbing hands, I scooped Ellie up, left the stuff we were going to buy at the cashier and headed out to the car, crying.

I was exhausted, disappointed, and most of all, defeated. Taking the energy to make the trip and returning home empty handed... After talking to the parents and David and calming down, I was able to realize that Ellie had fun and it wasn't such a big deal. I just won't be able to do anything for a few more years. JK. Kinda.

The next day, armed with David's optimism (more on that later), and both of the girls, we headed back to JoAnn's and got all the goods. Our family is awesome. Haha.

recovering (with grandma's help)

week four

two lovely girls

our first family outing

Before Emery was born, I had a grand plan to prepare a special package for Ellie that we would leave at the house when we went to the hospital. I thought it would be fun for her to get a bunch of new and entertaining toys to distract her from the fact that her whole life was crazy for a few days. I was also hoping those new toys would be awesome enough to keep her occupied while David and I adjusted to life with a newborn. The plan never actually happened (even though we talked about it a lot), but we did make it a point to take Ellie to Build-a-Bear about a week after Em was born so that she could pick out a new, special stuffed animal.

Thankfully, we attempted this trip while Grandma Ann was still around to offer extra support (and hands!). Build-a-Bear seems like a fun idea, but apparently not for a cranky 15 month old that really just wants to play on the computer! We spent some time trying to convince Ellie to pick out her own stuffed animal--holding up one lifeless animal skin after the next, seeing if she took an interest in any of them. The one that David and I were both pushing for is the only one that Ellie consistently pushed away every time we showed it to her (wah-waaahhh). Usually Ellie is pretty clear about what she wants and what she doesn't, but after about 5 minutes of hugging then pushing away animals, we decided just to pick out a cute little monkey. Things weren't going great, but we still had hope. Until we realized that one of the building machines was occupied by a group of kids from a daycare, and the other one with a family of 3 kids. We had to wait in line. Ellie doesn't understand that (and I'm not so good at it either). I almost lost it when David made some comment about how this trip would have been easier without Emery. I responded, while choking back tears, that this is our family now...

After the family before us was done, we tried to convince Ellie to participate in building her monkey. Kiss this heart! Give her a hug! Step on this pedal that makes the giant machine make scary noises!...OK, maybe just stop crying and trying to run away???

We finished the monkey and headed over to the computers to fill out her birth certificate. We named her Dinah, the name (er, sounds) that Ellie said when I asked her what she wanted to name her baby sister a few days before Emery's birthday. She got a cute little ruffle skirt and a bow for her ear and we were off. And probably won't return until the girls are much, much older.

everything from the past 10 months: emery's story

In honor of our newest little bundle's due date (July 21), I wanted to try to find a minute to record some memories and emotions about her birth story, which was so different from Ellie's and so different from what I was expecting. Here is the long story, only a week late!

Similar to last year with Ellie, when I was pregnant with Emery, I had a hard time thinking too much about when she'd actually be here and what our new life would be like. I spent most of the pregnancy ignoring what was actually happening and focusing on trying to keep Ellie's life as normal as it ever was.

Our girls are 15 months apart. That's crazy. People ask us if we were planning on having another one so soon after Ellie and I don't think David and I have a real answer for that. Sure, we knew it was a possibility, but were actually completely shocked when we found out I was pregnant again when Ellie was just 7 months old. We barely told anyone for about a month, pushed off calling the doctor, and didn't really talk about it--it took us a little while just to be able to think about it by ourselves. The next 9 months were difficult for me; emotionally, physically, mentally.

Emotionally, I struggled with what baby number 2 meant for baby number 1. I worried about being the best mom that Ellie deserved despite everything else I was dealing with. Physically, I was tired, I gained a ton of weight (again, on top of the weight that was still there from Ellie), had crazy heartburn, lots of pelvic pressure, and stretch marks. Mentally, I questioned if this would mess up Ellie's life, how we would afford another kid, how we would accomplish daily tasks, how to balance life, pregnancy, and work. My coping strategy for dealing with all of that was to ignore it. For the past nine months, I've felt like a shell of my old self, unable to really be present to anything that was happening in my world except for my time with Ellie. I think it was all too overwhelming for me and I didn't feel as happy as I thought I should feel and it made it hard to live and interact in normal ways.

I had a hard time connecting with the baby that was growing inside me. I was just anxious to get to the end and to not be pregnant anymore. I started telling people at work that I was going to have this baby 3 weeks early (the earliest date she could live healthfully), and then would explain that no, I am in no way ready to have another baby, but I'm so ready to be done being pregnant. When I went in for my 38 week appointment and my blood pressure had sky-rocketed, I started freaking out. I had joked (stupidly) the night before that I wanted to find a way to make my blood pressure high for my appointment so they would induce me because of pre-eclampsia. I didn't get induced that day, but was sent to Labor & Delivery to have my blood pressure monitored and some labs run--all of which cleared me to go home. I was sent home with a few giant bottles to collect all of my urine for the next 24 hours. This would give the doctors a more accurate test of the protein in my urine and a more definite diagnosis of pre-eclampsia.

David worked the next day and I was home with Ellie. We hung out at home, went to the grocery store, and tried our first ever White Castle for lunch. When David got home, I went to the office quickly, thinking that I should get a few things in line in case I ended up staying at the hospital, but mostly planning on being back for a meeting at 4:30. I went to the hospital and had to go through all of the paperwork to get admitted for tests again, they sent my urine bottles off to the lab and hooked me up to the blood pressure machine. My blood pressure was consistently higher than normal, but not over the "emergency" range my doctor had told me about. After about 45 minutes, they came to tell me that everything seemed fine so they'd have me wait for my urine results in the waiting room.

At that point I was expecting to go home, and I wasn't sure how I felt about it. I wanted to be induced and I wanted to be sent home to prepare for it another day. I think I told David that I wasn't prepared for either result. I didn't want to be pregnant (and worried about my blood pressure) anymore, but I wasn't ready to leave Ellie, go through labor & delivery, and have a newborn either. It was a matter of minutes after being told I'd be sent to the waiting room that the doctor came back in to tell me that my results were 306 and 300 is the limit for pre-eclampsia, so I was going to be induced. I asked if I was allowed to leave the hospital and she said no. So now what? David is at home trying to cook dinner for Ellie and I'm stuck at the hospital about to have a baby.

David called everyone to figure out what needed to happen. I had a seemingly incompetent (and I think brand new) nurse dig in my wrist to place the IV. David and Ellie came to hang out with me at the hospital. Ellie watched her Elmo video on the portable DVD player and sat in my lap, curious about the tubes and tape stuck to my arms. I cried. David tried to hold everything together. I asked him to take some pictures, this was the last time it would just be us, our family of 3 (4 with Aldy, but obviously he wasn't allowed at the hospital). Ellie had no idea.

We were moved to our birthing room which was equipped with a giant bathtub and birthing ball that Ellie enjoyed. They started the induction process and I was told that because of my diagnosis of pre-eclampsia I would have to be given a drug called Magnesium Sulfate throughout my labor and for 24 hours after delivery. I was told that it would make me feel like I had the flu, but would prevent me from having seizures. Awesome! Mike came to pick up Ellie to wait for grandparents to arrive to take care of her for the night and right before they left, the nurse came to tell me that they had to pad my bed rails because of the possibility of seizures. She told me this moments before I said goodbye to my baby girl. That was terrible. The medicine made it almost impossible for me to see anything. My eyes couldn't focus on anything near or far and I would get headaches if I even tried. I felt exhausted and weak the whole time I was in labor and all the nurses kept commenting that the medicine was awful, but was better for us in the long run.

I was induced with pitocin, the same as with Ellie, but it didn't work the same way this time. My labor was slow, there wasn't much pain, contractions were sporadic. I had to have a catheter in, which was the most painful part at the beginning. A doctor came to break my water and I'm not sure what he did, but it was super painful, took forever, and he and the nurse kept apologizing during and after the process. I continued to "progress," but it was very slow. Sometime near midnight I asked to have an epidural, hoping I'd be able to sleep some during the night. The doctor that placed my epidural wasn't very nice and had to do it twice to make sure he did it right. At this point, I felt like everything was going terribly--things that happened seamlessly during Ellie's delivery were extremely painful and uncomfortable this time. I was convinced this baby wasn't ready to come out, and felt so guilty for the attitude I'd had towards her for the past nine months. We continued through the night, sleeping as much as possible between visits from doctors and nurses, worried about our parents that refused to go home to sleep and were camped out in the waiting room. Sometime in the early morning I asked the nurse if I could eat after I delivered and she told me that unfortunately I wouldn't be able to eat for as long as I was on the Magnesium Sulfate (24 hours after delivery). Argh! Food at this point was like the only thing that I could imagine to motivate and reward myself for going through this, and now I didn't even have that.

I was exhausted, hungry, and defeated. Everything seemed to be going wrong and my feelings that our baby wasn't ready to come into the world were growing. I wished I could take back every negative thought I ever had about this pregnancy to take care of her a little longer. I slowly continued to progress until around 9:30 when we started getting ready to push. When Ellie was born Chris Rock was being interviewed on David Letterman--a funny but weird thing I'll always remember. David told me he thought that this one was going to be born during Regis & Kelly (a guilty pleasure of mine before life got crazy!), but 10:00 rolled around and Regis & Kelly was replaced by Let's Make a Deal and David turned off the TV. The bright spot of this labor was that a doctor I really enjoyed from our practice was going to be the one to deliver our girl. He was fun, friendly, and made me feel comfortable. Pushing was harder this time, with Ellie it just happened so fast and easily, this time I had to work to try and figure out the right way to push. Our second, beautiful, amazing little girl was born at 10:08 am on Friday, July 8th--exactly 15 months after Ellise.

It felt so much different this time. I think it was partly because I had such a difficult time connecting with this pregnancy with everything else going on in our life and partly because of the drugs that were being pumped into my system, but when she finally came out I just remember flopping my head back to the pillow and closing my eyes. So relieved to be done. It's hard to admit that I didn't feel instantly overwhelmed with emotion the way I did with Ellie, I was just tired and relieved. They put her up on my chest and I tried to look at her, but could barely keep my eyes open, much less focused on her. The nurse asked if it was okay to take her to clean her up and it was fine. While they were working on her, she was "singing," which we thought was cute at first, but soon found out that the noise was actually a sign of respiratory distress (that could be caused by the magnesium sulfate). Eventually they brought her back over to me and hearing her struggle for breath, and root around on my neck was enough to make me fall in love and worry like the worrier I am. She was soft, tiny, warm and sweet. I was so happy to have her in my arms--to be done with the waiting game of pregnancy and the stress of delivery. She was here, and we were more of family now than we had ever been before.

sick, sleep deprived & stuck at home

home

the calm

I think there are a few moments in every life that will always stand out as being extraordinary. Anyone watching these moments from the outside would think nothing of them, but to be in these moments, there is clarity and passion, and a feeling that in this very instant your whole life is falling into line.

Both of my moments have felt the same. The first was forever ago, shortly after David and I had met. It was in the middle of a swirling snowstorm, in the middle of the night. It was so early in our friendship that we were still so awkward about touching each other; so much so that if our arms brushed up against each other while we were walking, it would feel tingly and exciting. David was leaving my dorm after bringing over a CD he had burned for me and the next day, we’d both leave Denison and go home for a month for the holidays. We had already said goodbye, but it didn’t feel right. I asked David if I could have a hug, and he came back to meet me, and we stood in the middle of the quad with the snowflakes falling around us and we hugged. It felt like the whole world was spinning and still at the same time. In the weeks, months, and eventually years since that moment on the quad, David and I have tumbled through our relationship, and all the ups and downs that have shaped it. We've laughed and we've fought, but through it all, I have to say I never really questioned whether this was how my life should be.

Right before Ellise was born, David and I were alone in the delivery room for a few minutes. We were listening to a song from that CD that David had made for me years earlier. We put our heads together and sat there without saying anything. All the memories of the things that had brought us to that moment came flooding over me. I was overwhelmed with every emotion that I’d ever felt, and at the same time, also felt completely calm. I had a sense that “this is it.” Whatever had happened before and whatever would come in the future were all settled in this moment, of us being together about to start our family, and knowing that everything was exactly as it should be.

It’s not (too much of) an exaggeration to say that every moment following that one has been chaotic. We’re still struggling to find our new life, figure out our new roles as parents, decide what is important to us and how to fit that into our daily adventures. If that doesn’t sound daunting enough, I have to admit that 14 months later we’re still trying to figure out how to keep our floors, dishes, and clothes clean, plan meals, save money, take regular showers, keep our dog from running away and (most importantly?) be nice to each other now that Ellie demands so much of our attention. The pessimist in me wants to say that most days we fail at most of these tasks. More objectively, I can realize that at the end of the day, regardless of whatever happened, we’re still all happiest just because we're together and I hope that’s the only thing that will ever matter.

As we're looking forward to welcoming our second daughter into our crazy world, I'm thinking frequently of these moments that had the power to remind me of what was important in my life; hoping that I can find a way to realize that no matter how out of control every day is going to seem in the next few months, everything is really exactly as it should be. (That's so much easier than trying to actually figure out how we're going to wrangle both of the kids...)