i don't think i ever realized or fully understood what was happening inside my body during my pregnancy. i looked different and felt tickles and pushes inside my belly. i saw pictures of baby girl and tried to plan for her arrival. i KNEW there was a baby at the end of 40 weeks, but i don't think i ever really believed it or understood how it would all happen.
all throughout the pregnancy i felt anxious. i worried that i was eating the wrong foods or taking the wrong vitamin. i had probably gained too much weight and i didn't take the time to make myself look (or feel) good. no amount of positive doctors' appointments or confirmations of body parts at ultrasounds made me feel confident that things were okay. i worried about everything from whether she'd have a wacky combination of david's chin and my nose to if she'd have some type of chronic illness. i postponed so much of my excitement because i was scared something might go wrong.
baby girl came early thursday morning after we were sent to labor & delivery to be induced because of concerns about my blood pressure and her heartrate at a weekly appointment. i had imagined what it would be like when she was finally here and placed on my chest. i imagined i would be overwhelmed with happiness and look from her to david, amazed at what we had done. instead, they put her on my chest and i was still consumed with worry. she was barely making any noises; she definitely wasn't screaming, she looked blue. i just kept asking the doctors and nurses: "is she okay?" "why isn't she crying?" "is something wrong?" the nurse, doctor, and david repeatedly assured me she was fine. they took her over to the warmer and david stood next to her, telling me how she was cuddling her face up to his hand, how her long toes were grasping his fingers, how she had a death-grip on the nurse's hand. everything was fine.
we cuddled and loved baby girl in the hospital for the next day and a half. we had more visitors than i ever imagined--family and friends that came to welcome baby girl and family that hung around to clean our house, cook us dinner, and otherwise take care of all of our needs. the amount of well-wishes from the corners of our little world were overwhelming. we finally gave her a name when she was 33 hours old. we dressed her in her first real outfit and drove her home to meet aldy. we shared her during the days and took care of her during the nights. there are so many pictures i just look at over and over again.
we fell in love with the most perfect thing i never could have imagined.
she had her first doctor's appointment this morning and i was again, anxious. i held back tears in the waiting room, but cried as we waited for the doctor. i was crazy to think that my worries and anxieties would fall away after i saw her--they're only going to get worse!
it's going to be the most challenging thing in my life to stop worrying about all of the possible problems and issues that might come up during the rest of her life. it's something that i want and need to focus on. she is the most beautiful thing i've ever seen and i don't want to miss out on any of her awesomeness because i'm worried something might happen. things will happen. we'll deal with them as well as we know how. i'll love her more than i ever thought possible, and we'll have fun and smiles every day.
