I woke up at 6:00 this morning and went right to the gym! I've been fighting with myself over this every morning this week-and on and off for the past long while-and today the good part of me finally won.
Work has been wholly unsatisfying lately; partly because my cases are not ready for me to take over, and partly because my "new job" might just be less satisfying than I'd care to admit. D and I are in a weird sort of limbo and we're mostly thinking we want to have a baby, but are not sure how to make this happen. Life (home, work, play) seems just beyond my control. I haven't been feeling good lately, so I haven't been working out well. During a workout earlier in the week I realized that I just don't have the willpower to put in a good quality work out at the end of the day. After a day full of canceled meetings or unanswered questions, all I know to do is walk instead of run, push the down arrow on whatever machine I find myself on, put down the weights and pick up the remote, etc. It's a familiar feeling these days: putting in the motions but not doing anything that feels "worthwhile".
I've felt this way before: after graduating from Denison and facing all sorts of ambiguity (where to live, where to work, how to get health insurance...). I found that the one thing I could control was what I did with my body. That was what spurred a new kind of working out, a new kind of eating, and inspired me to buy a bike and run a marathon (among other things, I'm sure). It feels good to know that in this one way, you are only accountable to yourself. It reminds me how important it is to be honest with yourself. No one else can tell whether or not I tried my hardest, but I know and I need to be able to acknowledge that so I can get...not just better, but get what I want out of life.
So today, I somehow convinced myself to roll out of bed when the alarm went off. I went to the gym, took A for a walk, took a shower, got ready for work, went to work, met D for lunch, did dishes, took the car for maintenance, cleaned out my purse, walked A to the farmer's market to meet D and pick up some dinner, cooked dinner, ate, and weeded the front garden. All day I've been thinking "what was the point of waking up early if you don't get stuff done?" I've been getting stuff done. And trust me, I'm not nearly as grumpy as I have been lately.
Now for SYTYCD!!!
