my mess

Last night, after Ellie was in bed and I was sitting on the couch enjoying a rootbeer float (they are probably better than you remember) David was marching around the house trying to clean up.

David: "Please don't put your shoes on the kitchen table."
Me: "Why would I put my shoes on the table?"
David: "Exactly, why would you put your shoes on the table?"
Me: ::overcome by uncontrollable laughter::

I've been thinking that I should stray from my usual adorable posts of Ellie pictures to show you a broader view of what our life has become since this beautiful little girl stepped in and took over. Luckily for me I haven't made the time to snap any shots so instead I'll just list a few things that make up our mess.

Me:
Hair=hot mess. It hasn't been cut since... January? I need to order some sort of product that won't congeal on my scalp the morning after a shower. Ellie and I have matching cradle cap.
Sometimes I try to put on mascara. Sometimes it makes me feel better about going to work in the morning. Unfortunately I don't clean it off and it just adds to the bags under my eyes the next day. I look so tired.
My teeth are yellow. Probably has something to do with excessive amounts of Starbucks consumed in the past 4 months.
My lips are so thin. This is only more evident since David and Ellie have luscious lips.
Muscle tone: non-existent.
Clothes: I think I have 2 pairs of non-maternity pants that fit, but they're linen and get too easily wrinkled (when they're balled up on the floor). Sometimes I can find an unwrinkled shirt for work. Sometimes it is even stain free.
I've exercised 3 times since Ellie's been alive.

Kitchen:
Dirty dishes and bottles out the wazoo. Waiting to be loaded into the dishwasher or washed by hand.
A fridge filled with healthy groceries that never get cooked.
Pizza boxes.
Starbucks cups.
Baby toys.
Baby coupons.

Living Room:
Mail.
Bills.
Bras.
Fabric pieces from various half started projects.
A floor that's been swiffered and vacuumed twice since Ellie's been alive. (Ellie is almost 5 months old, and this used to be done on a weekly basis)
Cereal bowls on the floor. (Remnants of Alden's morning treat)
Spoons on any horizontal surface. (For some reason, the spoon is not part of Alden's morning treat and has to be removed so he can get to the cereal bowl..?)
Baby toys.
Baby books.

Bathroom:
Clothes.
Stray hairs. Everywhere. (I've been checking for bald spots since 3 months postpartum)

Ellie's Room:
Old clothes. (Washed and bagged and ready to go... somewhere!)
Baby toys.
I don't even know what's in her completely disorganized closet.

Purple Room:
The rest of the fabric pieces from half finished projects.
Baby toys.

Our Room:
O-M-G. I don't even think I can describe the explosion that occurred on the floor of my side of the room over the last few weeks. My parents might be the only ones that can vouch for how messy I can get. You can't see the floor.

So I started laughing uncontrollably during that conversation last night because in that very instant I realized how completely out of control our life had become. How out of control I had become. I also realized it's all my fault. In an effort to ease my guilt about being away from Ellie during the day and on top of busy busy weeks at work, when I finally get home, I'm completely exhausted with being responsible or self-controlled. The only thing I can find energy for is Miss Ellie (and, yes, making Tiny Prints cards). David, bless his heart, has been trying so hard to keep some sort of cleanliness or healthiness in our lives. He asks me to pick up my clothes, and sometimes even picks them up for me (and then has to deal with me trying to find any of my stuff that he put in the wrong place). He volunteers to run to the grocery or cook any dinner but I'm usually quicker to choose take-out. He pesters me to go to the gym, get a hair cut or go buy new clothes. But when push comes to shove, I'd rather just be with Ellie than doing any of those things. I know I need to get better about this, if only because I want to be a good role model for Ellie and I think it's important for her to know that she should take pride in herself and her belongings. But how do I get there? Suggestions welcome!

swoon!

why can't she wear a tutu everyday?

you know you're a new mom if...

-you consider it a good night's sleep if you sleep for more than 4 continuous hours.
-everything you do revolves around a 3 hour interval.
-you're used to driving in the car with no music because you need to make sure your baby is still breathing in the backseat.
-you consider yourself on time if you're less than 15 minutes late.
-your bedroom floor is covered with each day's failed (read: too small) attempts at looking work-appropriate (or just appropriate, period).
-you think it's okay to talk to people about (your own) tearing, cutting, dripping & pumping
-you think it's okay to talk to people about (your baby's) pooping, puking & miniscule new skill development (she's picking things up!).
-you think starbucks' grande (and venti!) drinks are small.

what else?

i'm heeeeeere!

Even though I could, I'm not going to make this post about the continual struggles of working and managing Ellie... which are only more complicated this week by David's boss' request that he work a few nights in addition to his normal work week...

Instead, I'm proud to announce that we have a new little chatterbox in our house and that our quiet little snugglebug is making her presence known more everyday, filling our lives with a new little personality that is just starting to emerge. Ellie's become quite a little squeal monster lately. It seems like every evening she has one period when no matter what we're doing with her she's squealing in response. She squeals higher and higher each time, a little bit louder every now and again, and it leaves us cracking up. It's so much fun that she's finding her voice. I like to pretend that we're having conversations. She must be communicating something, right?! Sometimes she tells me about her day with the boys at Laura's and other days we make plans for shopping trips. We've been doing our best to capture this on a video, but somehow she stops whenever the camera is around--even if she doesn't see it! She's so in tune, I know.

We were able to spend time with older babies this weekend, and I spent Friday at work learning about typical play development in children. So far, it's been hard for us to realistically see our future with Ellie--we're so wrapped up in diapers! and feeding! and burping! oh my! But after seeing older babies laughing, taking their first steps, and bopping Aldy on the nose, and watching videos of little girls having tea parties ("I need some shuka") and playing with play kitchens I'm starting to think of all the crazy things we have to come. The least of which should be rolling over... and that should be coming soon, right?
Ellie's playful voice, and her newly evidenced frustration with being unable to control her hands the way she wants seem to be the beginnings of her social development. She's already starting to interact more with us and the world and it's crazy fun. She's had her first crush (TT), her first slow dance (Chris) and her first kiss (Nolan!). Someone needs to tell her to slow down.

a text snippet of a too busy monday

sent at 1:40 from the bathroom floor at the clinic while pumping (on our new high-tech android phones, mind you)

David: They're asking me to do a long day tues or weds. Do you think laura would mind? There's not a way around it.
Me: That sucks
Me: Maybe Tuesday would be best
Me: I should be able to work 11-4
Me: I'm worried we shouldn't have a kid...
David: ok, I'm so sorry
Me: I know, today is my worst day
Me: Just started pumping supposed to be in dublin at 2
David: I have to go out in the field right now. we should have a kid, it will all work out
David: xoxoxo
Me: Have done about half of what I'm supposed to
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm still trying to figure out how to balance work and motherhood. It's so sad to drop Ellie off right during her smiley time, and so hard to be overlybookedrushingaround at work trying to get home as early as possible. Every other Monday will be like this and I just need time to breathe...

My days are brightened by positive, productive meetings at work and, mostly by email messages from David, with lovely pics of my Ellie. Here's the one I got today while driving across town to a meeting in a rainstorm, hungry, thirsty, and needing to pump (don't worry, I checked my phone only after I arrived at my destination):
Rejuvenated, my meeting was awesome and now we're all home... and I'm looking forward to a lighter week ahead! Good life, go! ;)

do you love me?

We've recently heard news about 2 young couples we know heading towards divorce. This news leads us to talk about how crazy it is that people could get married and be in love and then a few years later decide divorce is the best option. It doesn't make sense to us now, and I hope it never will.

A book I'm reading details all the craziness that children bring to a marriage. It riddles off facts about the frequency of divorce, unhappiness, separate lives, etc. Our relationship has already changed a lot since Ellie has come into our lives. We spend a lot more time dividing responsibilities instead of tackling everything together. We've seen each other doing and talking about more unattractive things and had a lot less time to try to look attractive for each other. Our kisses and highest energies are spent entertaining our baby girl instead of each other.

It's times when I'm overwhelmed by our messy house, lack of sleep, fast-food dinners, too few showers, and stained clothes that I ask David for some confirmation:

Despite everything that could possibly be considered bad right now, do you love me? Are you still with me?

We haven't made a conscious effort to keep our marriage happy or intact, but I don't doubt that we still love each other more today than we did a year ago. I think subconsciously I've realized that it's in these messy bits that our love seems truest and grows even stronger. I want to make sure David sees that, too. I've taken to confirming our love for Ellie too since she can't point it out to us yet, and in the middle of a sleepless night or rough morning it's important to remember. If she could she would say something like:

Even when I poop on, puke on, and scream at you, you still love me more than anything else in the whole wide world.

I'm sitting here trying to come up with a conclusion for this post, but just decided there isn't one. I wanted to share how happy I am with our life and our family and it's fitting that there's no neat conclusion because it's all kind of a mess. I'm happy enough to know that we're in all of this together and everyday can only get better. For true life.

knock on wood

I started back to work this Monday and was surprised to find it wasn't that bad! I'm super lucky that I have a very flexible schedule in an office filled with young moms, so everyone is very understanding about my struggle with getting back in the swing of things. I'm going to go to work late most days, and will get free days with Ellie as often as my schedule allows. Monday was my long day (12:30-7) and Tuesday was short (10:45-3:30). I'm home today and will just work a few hours tomorrow and Friday. Each week will require more of my time and mental energy, but for now I'm just enjoying seeing my work-kids and getting out of the house.

Lessons from my first days back:

• I like my job!
• Working (especially while not pregnant) is a gazillion times easier than taking care of an infant by yourself all day.
• I feel so much more like a real person when I get dressed AND look in the mirror before I leave the house.
• It's really nice to talk to other adults!
• Kids are so much bigger than infants.
  
• Anything you do is so much easier when you don't have to plan for, pack for, and lug around a baby and tons of baby stuff.
  
• I need to allow myself a little more wiggle time at work instead of trying to come in as late and leave as early as possible. Even though I'd rather be with Ellie, I need to give myself time to eat, pump, and breathe.
• Holding and kissing Ellie after returning home from a day away gives me the most comforting feeling in the world.
  

Ellie seems to be doing okay, too. She was happy both days when I took her over to Laura's. She's even flirting with her youngest son. She's completely off her normal schedule when she's at Laura's and doesn't sleep or eat very well, but falls back in the swing of things once we're home. I'm hoping this gets better as Laura gets to know her more, but for now, I have to be comforted by the fact that she still seems happy when we pick her up, even if she is tired and hungry.

David and I have been reading/thinking/talking a lot about work and life and what's best for Ellie and our family. I'm thankful that David is willing to be involved as Ellie's main caregiver whenever he can and that we've found Ellie a one-on-one nurturing childcare provider. With this childcare set-up, David and I are both able to maintain ourselves outside of our roles as mom and dad, but we're also both making accommodations to spend extra time with Ellie. The best part is that Ellie gets the best care from all 3 of us (Mom, Dad, and Laura) because we're splitting up the responsibility instead of letting the stress run one person down.

I feel a little bit guilty about not feeling bad about returning to work. Given different circumstances (if we won the lottery, say) I might still choose to be a stay-at-home-mom. I also realize that my feelings might change after a few weeks back at work, when the excitement of returning wears off, but for now I'm glad this transition has been worlds better than I expected!