you know you're a new mom if...

-you consider it a good night's sleep if you sleep for more than 4 continuous hours.
-everything you do revolves around a 3 hour interval.
-you're used to driving in the car with no music because you need to make sure your baby is still breathing in the backseat.
-you consider yourself on time if you're less than 15 minutes late.
-your bedroom floor is covered with each day's failed (read: too small) attempts at looking work-appropriate (or just appropriate, period).
-you think it's okay to talk to people about (your own) tearing, cutting, dripping & pumping
-you think it's okay to talk to people about (your baby's) pooping, puking & miniscule new skill development (she's picking things up!).
-you think starbucks' grande (and venti!) drinks are small.

what else?

i'm heeeeeere!

Even though I could, I'm not going to make this post about the continual struggles of working and managing Ellie... which are only more complicated this week by David's boss' request that he work a few nights in addition to his normal work week...

Instead, I'm proud to announce that we have a new little chatterbox in our house and that our quiet little snugglebug is making her presence known more everyday, filling our lives with a new little personality that is just starting to emerge. Ellie's become quite a little squeal monster lately. It seems like every evening she has one period when no matter what we're doing with her she's squealing in response. She squeals higher and higher each time, a little bit louder every now and again, and it leaves us cracking up. It's so much fun that she's finding her voice. I like to pretend that we're having conversations. She must be communicating something, right?! Sometimes she tells me about her day with the boys at Laura's and other days we make plans for shopping trips. We've been doing our best to capture this on a video, but somehow she stops whenever the camera is around--even if she doesn't see it! She's so in tune, I know.

We were able to spend time with older babies this weekend, and I spent Friday at work learning about typical play development in children. So far, it's been hard for us to realistically see our future with Ellie--we're so wrapped up in diapers! and feeding! and burping! oh my! But after seeing older babies laughing, taking their first steps, and bopping Aldy on the nose, and watching videos of little girls having tea parties ("I need some shuka") and playing with play kitchens I'm starting to think of all the crazy things we have to come. The least of which should be rolling over... and that should be coming soon, right?
Ellie's playful voice, and her newly evidenced frustration with being unable to control her hands the way she wants seem to be the beginnings of her social development. She's already starting to interact more with us and the world and it's crazy fun. She's had her first crush (TT), her first slow dance (Chris) and her first kiss (Nolan!). Someone needs to tell her to slow down.

a text snippet of a too busy monday

sent at 1:40 from the bathroom floor at the clinic while pumping (on our new high-tech android phones, mind you)

David: They're asking me to do a long day tues or weds. Do you think laura would mind? There's not a way around it.
Me: That sucks
Me: Maybe Tuesday would be best
Me: I should be able to work 11-4
Me: I'm worried we shouldn't have a kid...
David: ok, I'm so sorry
Me: I know, today is my worst day
Me: Just started pumping supposed to be in dublin at 2
David: I have to go out in the field right now. we should have a kid, it will all work out
David: xoxoxo
Me: Have done about half of what I'm supposed to
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm still trying to figure out how to balance work and motherhood. It's so sad to drop Ellie off right during her smiley time, and so hard to be overlybookedrushingaround at work trying to get home as early as possible. Every other Monday will be like this and I just need time to breathe...

My days are brightened by positive, productive meetings at work and, mostly by email messages from David, with lovely pics of my Ellie. Here's the one I got today while driving across town to a meeting in a rainstorm, hungry, thirsty, and needing to pump (don't worry, I checked my phone only after I arrived at my destination):
Rejuvenated, my meeting was awesome and now we're all home... and I'm looking forward to a lighter week ahead! Good life, go! ;)

do you love me?

We've recently heard news about 2 young couples we know heading towards divorce. This news leads us to talk about how crazy it is that people could get married and be in love and then a few years later decide divorce is the best option. It doesn't make sense to us now, and I hope it never will.

A book I'm reading details all the craziness that children bring to a marriage. It riddles off facts about the frequency of divorce, unhappiness, separate lives, etc. Our relationship has already changed a lot since Ellie has come into our lives. We spend a lot more time dividing responsibilities instead of tackling everything together. We've seen each other doing and talking about more unattractive things and had a lot less time to try to look attractive for each other. Our kisses and highest energies are spent entertaining our baby girl instead of each other.

It's times when I'm overwhelmed by our messy house, lack of sleep, fast-food dinners, too few showers, and stained clothes that I ask David for some confirmation:

Despite everything that could possibly be considered bad right now, do you love me? Are you still with me?

We haven't made a conscious effort to keep our marriage happy or intact, but I don't doubt that we still love each other more today than we did a year ago. I think subconsciously I've realized that it's in these messy bits that our love seems truest and grows even stronger. I want to make sure David sees that, too. I've taken to confirming our love for Ellie too since she can't point it out to us yet, and in the middle of a sleepless night or rough morning it's important to remember. If she could she would say something like:

Even when I poop on, puke on, and scream at you, you still love me more than anything else in the whole wide world.

I'm sitting here trying to come up with a conclusion for this post, but just decided there isn't one. I wanted to share how happy I am with our life and our family and it's fitting that there's no neat conclusion because it's all kind of a mess. I'm happy enough to know that we're in all of this together and everyday can only get better. For true life.

knock on wood

I started back to work this Monday and was surprised to find it wasn't that bad! I'm super lucky that I have a very flexible schedule in an office filled with young moms, so everyone is very understanding about my struggle with getting back in the swing of things. I'm going to go to work late most days, and will get free days with Ellie as often as my schedule allows. Monday was my long day (12:30-7) and Tuesday was short (10:45-3:30). I'm home today and will just work a few hours tomorrow and Friday. Each week will require more of my time and mental energy, but for now I'm just enjoying seeing my work-kids and getting out of the house.

Lessons from my first days back:

• I like my job!
• Working (especially while not pregnant) is a gazillion times easier than taking care of an infant by yourself all day.
• I feel so much more like a real person when I get dressed AND look in the mirror before I leave the house.
• It's really nice to talk to other adults!
• Kids are so much bigger than infants.
  
• Anything you do is so much easier when you don't have to plan for, pack for, and lug around a baby and tons of baby stuff.
  
• I need to allow myself a little more wiggle time at work instead of trying to come in as late and leave as early as possible. Even though I'd rather be with Ellie, I need to give myself time to eat, pump, and breathe.
• Holding and kissing Ellie after returning home from a day away gives me the most comforting feeling in the world.
  

Ellie seems to be doing okay, too. She was happy both days when I took her over to Laura's. She's even flirting with her youngest son. She's completely off her normal schedule when she's at Laura's and doesn't sleep or eat very well, but falls back in the swing of things once we're home. I'm hoping this gets better as Laura gets to know her more, but for now, I have to be comforted by the fact that she still seems happy when we pick her up, even if she is tired and hungry.

David and I have been reading/thinking/talking a lot about work and life and what's best for Ellie and our family. I'm thankful that David is willing to be involved as Ellie's main caregiver whenever he can and that we've found Ellie a one-on-one nurturing childcare provider. With this childcare set-up, David and I are both able to maintain ourselves outside of our roles as mom and dad, but we're also both making accommodations to spend extra time with Ellie. The best part is that Ellie gets the best care from all 3 of us (Mom, Dad, and Laura) because we're splitting up the responsibility instead of letting the stress run one person down.

I feel a little bit guilty about not feeling bad about returning to work. Given different circumstances (if we won the lottery, say) I might still choose to be a stay-at-home-mom. I also realize that my feelings might change after a few weeks back at work, when the excitement of returning wears off, but for now I'm glad this transition has been worlds better than I expected!

all good things...

Ellie is being tons of fun as I prepare to head back to work next week. I've been spending her naptimes figuring out my work schedule and getting creative about how to cram the biggest amount of productive work into the shortest time away as possible. Her time awake has been spent going to the zoo (looking at her favorite book), flying in a spaceship (trying out a jumperoo that's too big for her), and visiting the ocean (her light-up infant toy). She's all about her hands lately and especially likes chowing down on her fingers. Every once in awhile she'll hold onto a toy or object we hand her or dangle in front of her face and she pulls them right up to her mouth, smooshing them all over her face. She's taken a karate lesson and enjoyed a bollywood dance after watching SYTYCD last night. She's loving her Bumbo, my frizzy hair, and having her toes eaten. She even figured out how to make waking up at 4 in the morning the best thing ever by smiling so big that her paci falls out of her mouth. Today, I think she met her cousin Finn for the first time (they were really looking at each other!). She's almost 3 months old and I am amazed by how much more fun she gets everyday. I'm so glad that I was able to be with her for all of these good things. I'm so excited for the belly laughs that can't be too far off.


This time away from work has been A M A Z I N G. The first two weeks were painful and groggy. The third week was scary and I felt like I had no idea what to do. Weeks 4-6 were restless weeks when I (we) had to get out of the house. Week 10 was spent on shopping sprees. I don't know where the rest of it went. To nummies, poopy dipes, snuggles, kisses, and bounces I guess. It's sad that Ellie won't understand how close we were these first few months of her life until she has kids of her own. Say wha??! Now I'm getting ahead of myself.

So, I'm filled with gratitude for all good things in my life...thanks, baby, for being the coolest thing ever. Thanks, work, for letting me get to know my baby girl. Thanks, mom, for everything you did with me and for me that I'll never remember.

back to work: attempt #1

Today was the day I had scheduled myself a few meetings at work and arranged for Ellie to go to Laura's. We were considering it a trial run; a chance for me to figure out what and how to pack for Ellie, see how it felt to leave her with someone to go to work, and a chance for Laura to spend some one-on-one time with Ellie to see how they fit. The morning went well--I had started packing Ellie's carryout bag a few days ago, had milk and a clean bottle all set, and made sure to get in 2 feedings before dropping her off (an attempt at keeping my milk supply up!). I got myself ready as quickly as possible and think I looked...mostly unkempt! I carried Ellie over to Laura's and (weirdly) as soon as we walked in the door she let out a yelp... I'm assuming she just wasn't psyched about going inside from the bright sun... that makes sense, right? She calmed down right away, I gave her some kisses and handed her to Laura so I could run back to our house to get her bouncer.

I didn't feel bad when I left. I am confident that Laura is giving her plenty of love and attention, but when I got back to our house (30 seconds later) I started crying; it just felt wrong. I shook it off, knowing I would be back in only a few hours and headed to work.

My meeting that was supposed to start at 11 didn't start until 11:45. A regular thing at my office that is so much more annoying now that I have a baby girl I could be spending time with instead. It was hard to focus on work. That's probably partly because I have been out of the swing of things for 10 weeks, and partly because nothing at work will ever matter as much as my daughter. I called to check in after my meeting and Laura told me she had given Ellie half her bottle then she fell asleep... WHAT?! I had to (have to) get over the fact that Laura might not be able to keep Ellie on the schedule we've set up. Ellie always eats a full meal, stays awake for 45-60 minutes, then sleeps for 45-90 minutes before eating again. Other than that Laura said they were both fine and happy, so I continued on to my next meeting (after phonecalls to David and my sister to discuss how hard this is).

As soon as I left I felt like I was in a race to be home. I swear there's never been more traffic. Even waiting for the garage door to go up to pull in seemed to take forever. I left everything in the car and walked over to Laura's instead of going home. Ellie was awake, happy, everything was fine. Laura had given her most of the rest of the bottle, she had slept for about 10 minutes, refused to burp, startled herself awake with gas, listened to piano music, heard a cat meow, watched the kids play a card game, and bounced, a lot. It had only been 4 hours, but it was hard. I had a headache (I hadn't eaten since breakfast and I was super anxious), Ellie was hungry and tired, Alden needed attention, and I was confused about what the rest of my life would be like.

We've decided that it's best for me to keep working; I have a flexible schedule that I have a lot of control over and my benefits were cheaper than what was offered for David. Logically, it makes sense for me (and David) to keep working. It affords us extra income and gives us both a chance to pursue intellectual/social interests. I wasn't prepared for the emotional attachment that came on so quickly and strong with a baby. When I got pregnant I hadn't thought too seriously about what our lives would be like when there was a little person depending on us. I assumed that we'd both be able to work as we were. I saw people at the office doing it, our moms both worked, people do it... people do it alone, it couldn't be that hard, right? It is that hard. This was only one (half) day, and I'm not looking forward to going back. Laura (who stopped working after returning for one week after her first child was born) says she thinks it's instinctual, for a mother to want to be with her kids. It must be, because no matter how many times I go over all the reasons I should and want to work, my heart still aches to think about leaving her everyday. I know I'll go back and I know we'll all be okay, but I'm not giving up on the goal of having Ellie in "substitute care" for as few hours as possible for the first few years of her life. I'm thankful to be able to start this journey with Laura, who is sympathetic and willing to cater to all of our needs, but I know that David and I have the most to offer our daughter and more than that, I know she has more to offer us than any job we'll ever find.