There are a lot of times when I stay away from here because I know that all that's on my mind, or all that I can think of to say will come off as me complaining. I want this to be a place where I can record my thoughts and figure things out and, in some way, hold myself accountable: so, mom and dad don't freak out, but I want to get some thoughts out :)
I can feel so defeated and exhausted with my (close to perfect) life. I also simultaneously realize how incredibly pathetic my thoughts are that I don't even want to give them a (public?) voice. Speaking rationally: I have the greatest life I could ever ask for. My loves are healthy and happy. I have a devoted husband, two amazing daughters, a supportive and fun extended family and friends, a safe place to live and dream, and a job. I could go on, but those are just the basics; not even accounting for all the glorious luxuries that fill my days. Even with all this, there are still times (more regular than I really want to admit) when I'm just sad. I wish I could list some of the reasons I'm unhappy but there really isn't even a way to explain, and like I said above, even if I could list out some reasons each one would be shockingly absurd after recounting my charmed life. In the past 2 months I can honestly say I've felt more happiness than I could have ever imagined and more sad and hopeless, too. I want more happiness and (unrealistically, I know) really don't feel like there should be any sadness in my life.
Every day feels like a roller coaster, with each member of our family on a different track. I can be so overwhelmed with happiness while laughing at something Ellie is doing while David might be stomping around because he's annoyed with his allergies. Ten minutes later, Ellie might be on the floor crying because she can't have something she wants, I might be near tears because none of my clothes fit, and David and Emery might be cooing at each other while happily playing in the "ocean." I get mad at David when he's grumpy, I feel like a worthless parent when I'm grumpy, and I'm probably a not-so-fun wife, either. I think (hope!) that to some degree this is just a part of parenthood, and growing pains, and figuring out how to maintain a family/house/life outside of just one person, but it's hard and it seems to be getting harder everyday and I want our life to be fun, not hard.
I've spent a good amount of time reading "self-help" books or books/information about happiness. I know that something needs to change in my mind more than in my life to fix the times when I'm sad, but what do I do and how do I start? One of the most basic things I've read about to start to change the way you think about your life is to start a "gratitude journal" where every day you recount the best things that happened. I tried this near the end of my pregnancy with Emery. My goal was to record three things that went well each day and why I thought they went well, and (as lousy as it sounds) most days I struggled to come up with a few. That statement almost makes me laugh out loud!... To think that I couldn't think of great things while I had a beautiful daughter to enjoy as well as another one growing inside me is complete craziness. But honestly, in my own personal journal, I couldn't just record 3 great things? There's something wrong (and I know it's not with my life, but with my thoughts).
So my first step towards feeling (and thinking) better: I'm going to record the best things that happen each day. Soon enough, what makes me "happy" should be apparent, and then I can make more of that happen in my life. I feel like this is official, so hopefully that makes me stick to it. I think it'd be rad (sounds like David, eh?) if you joined me. If this doesn't work, I think I'll take Ellie's advice and resign myself to watching Yo Gabba Gabba episodes on repeat all day.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
15 minute breakdown... GO!
The past 3 days, I've been trying to make time to update this blog, but it hasn't happened. So, while David is working, Ellie is napping, Emery is fighting sleep, and water is on to start compiling a casserole for dinner, I reheated my decaf coffee and I'm giving myself 15 minutes to get my thoughts out. That probably means no editing or re-reading for clarity, so good luck reading on.
I have to say, even though it probably doesn't look like it on the outside, we're getting in the swing of having two kids. (Shame on us for deciding to buy a new couch and proceed to re-do the entire living space of our house while adjusting.) Ellie's sleep has been mostly back to normal with an afternoon nap and a regular bedtime. We usually find one time period each day to do something to get all of us out of the house. We frequent Planet Smoothie, local parks, Jess, Mike & Finn's house, the grocery store, and Target. I've made time to bake some treats, David's gone mountain biking and the weather is cooler so we can spend time outside. Emery still keeps us guessing--it seems like she either wants to be up and eating all day or impossible to rouse. The only thing she's doing consistently is waking up more and more frequently with each passing night. Eek. Ellie was sleeping from 11 pm to 5 or 6am from the time she was 6 weeks old. Getting to watch middle of the night TV has even lost it's appeal.
I'm looking at the last few weeks I'll have off from work to spend entirely with my family with no other stresses to deal with. There have been days over the past 2 months that I've had to try really hard to be excited about (or event tolerate, who am I kidding?) the craziness of the demands at home. But I'll be bummed to have to go back to work and miss out on the awesome moments (no matter how few) that each day at home is guaranteed to bring.
Like today, for example, when Em spit up on Ellie's face when she was trying to give her a kiss <3
I have to say, even though it probably doesn't look like it on the outside, we're getting in the swing of having two kids. (Shame on us for deciding to buy a new couch and proceed to re-do the entire living space of our house while adjusting.) Ellie's sleep has been mostly back to normal with an afternoon nap and a regular bedtime. We usually find one time period each day to do something to get all of us out of the house. We frequent Planet Smoothie, local parks, Jess, Mike & Finn's house, the grocery store, and Target. I've made time to bake some treats, David's gone mountain biking and the weather is cooler so we can spend time outside. Emery still keeps us guessing--it seems like she either wants to be up and eating all day or impossible to rouse. The only thing she's doing consistently is waking up more and more frequently with each passing night. Eek. Ellie was sleeping from 11 pm to 5 or 6am from the time she was 6 weeks old. Getting to watch middle of the night TV has even lost it's appeal.
I'm looking at the last few weeks I'll have off from work to spend entirely with my family with no other stresses to deal with. There have been days over the past 2 months that I've had to try really hard to be excited about (or event tolerate, who am I kidding?) the craziness of the demands at home. But I'll be bummed to have to go back to work and miss out on the awesome moments (no matter how few) that each day at home is guaranteed to bring.
Like today, for example, when Em spit up on Ellie's face when she was trying to give her a kiss <3
Monday, August 29, 2011
ellie
Ellie was a super easy baby. The hardest things she ever did were wake up every 2 or 3 hours at night to eat, puke all over us and our stuff, and poop out a few diapers. She was usually content to sit on our laps and smile at our faces and read books. When she first came into our life, we had to adjust from being a young couple with few responsibilities to being mom and dad to an infant that was completely dependent on us--it felt like a big, hard deal. I wish we understood how easy we had it then.
Fast forward a few months and you'd find us constantly "finger-walking" our girl around everywhere she could see. She was determined to walk early and needed our help to practice. It felt like we never sat down. A few months later, if we could convince her to sit down, you'd find us battling our daughter at the kitchen table. She decided (after being a great eater for the first year of her life) that she only wanted to eat fruit, yogurt, and cheese. The next few months included daily tiffs over changing her diaper, letting her feed herself, having to stay inside when it was raining and/or dark, not eating Alden's dog food, and coloring with markers on paper only.
After a particularly rough day when it seemed like we didn't have a moment to ourselves between meeting Emery's basic needs and dealing with Ellie's constant demands, I asked David what one word he would use to describe our first born. After a few seconds, he said crazy. Trying not to pass (negative) judgment on my daughter, I said wild. After talking some more, we decided that the positive way to explain Ellie would be to say she is independent.
Ellie knows what she wants and what she doesn't and she makes her preferences (however absurd they are) known. She has amazed us with her ability to accomplish tasks that seem too difficult. She absolutely loves what she loves. And then there are the things that she hates (or, doesn't like, you know what I mean). Over the past few months, Ellie has decided, learned, or been taught to flail around, scream, throw things, run away and grab our faces when we're suggesting something she's not interested in. We try hard to prevent whatever we can predict will be a difficult situation (get enough sleep, hide off-limit toys, give warnings), encourage effective communication whenever possible ("use your words" instead of screaming), redirect her to more appropriate activities to take her mind off what's pissing her off, and hardest of all not give in to her inappropriate attempts at getting her way. Why? Because some things she just has to learn to tolerate.
I love my daughter more than words will ever convey, and honestly, I can usually even appreciate something about the fits she throws, her (failed) attempts to communicate, her silly preferences and requests. But I'd be lying if I said I don't worry about her future ability to regulate her emotions and channel all of her determination and energy into something constructive. I hope David and I will be able to guide her safely through life without squashing her fierce independence and allow her the freedom and power that she desires so that she can experience everything life has to offer (without getting too hurt). Right now that means she doesn't want to sleep, but wants to eat dog food and spend every waking moment in a swing and without a shirt on. I can only imagine what we'll be fighting about in 15 years. I guess we'll have to choose our battles wisely.
Fast forward a few months and you'd find us constantly "finger-walking" our girl around everywhere she could see. She was determined to walk early and needed our help to practice. It felt like we never sat down. A few months later, if we could convince her to sit down, you'd find us battling our daughter at the kitchen table. She decided (after being a great eater for the first year of her life) that she only wanted to eat fruit, yogurt, and cheese. The next few months included daily tiffs over changing her diaper, letting her feed herself, having to stay inside when it was raining and/or dark, not eating Alden's dog food, and coloring with markers on paper only.
After a particularly rough day when it seemed like we didn't have a moment to ourselves between meeting Emery's basic needs and dealing with Ellie's constant demands, I asked David what one word he would use to describe our first born. After a few seconds, he said crazy. Trying not to pass (negative) judgment on my daughter, I said wild. After talking some more, we decided that the positive way to explain Ellie would be to say she is independent.
Ellie knows what she wants and what she doesn't and she makes her preferences (however absurd they are) known. She has amazed us with her ability to accomplish tasks that seem too difficult. She absolutely loves what she loves. And then there are the things that she hates (or, doesn't like, you know what I mean). Over the past few months, Ellie has decided, learned, or been taught to flail around, scream, throw things, run away and grab our faces when we're suggesting something she's not interested in. We try hard to prevent whatever we can predict will be a difficult situation (get enough sleep, hide off-limit toys, give warnings), encourage effective communication whenever possible ("use your words" instead of screaming), redirect her to more appropriate activities to take her mind off what's pissing her off, and hardest of all not give in to her inappropriate attempts at getting her way. Why? Because some things she just has to learn to tolerate.
I love my daughter more than words will ever convey, and honestly, I can usually even appreciate something about the fits she throws, her (failed) attempts to communicate, her silly preferences and requests. But I'd be lying if I said I don't worry about her future ability to regulate her emotions and channel all of her determination and energy into something constructive. I hope David and I will be able to guide her safely through life without squashing her fierce independence and allow her the freedom and power that she desires so that she can experience everything life has to offer (without getting too hurt). Right now that means she doesn't want to sleep, but wants to eat dog food and spend every waking moment in a swing and without a shirt on. I can only imagine what we'll be fighting about in 15 years. I guess we'll have to choose our battles wisely.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
week six. and yes, i did think it was only week five.
put together while sipping a venti starbucks and bopping a baby to sleep.
booya.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
mama meltdown
Earlier this week, after spending the day home with the girls while David worked I thought it would be a good idea to take Ellie to JoAnn Fabrics to pick up a few things for some projects I've been thinking about and let her run around the store and explore. (She about melted my heart when I loaded her in the car and she looked over at Emery's empty seat and said "Mimi?" wondering where her sister was) Ellie did great at JoAnn's and was more than happy to walk along the wall of beads (that she could touch, but could NOT get off their hooks--perf!) and take in all their sparkly goodness. After a little disappointment on my part, realizing that some of my ideas for projects were either a.) too expensive, b.) too much work, or c.) too crazy we headed to the checkout with a few items.
We were greeted by a line with 5 or 6 people in front of us. We headed down the (awesomely designed) single-file aisle lined with (well thought out) trinkets and bottles and candy all perfectly reachable for my little explorer. I took a deep breath and was prepared to keep her contained and safe, with a little interest in not destroying the store. Soon after we were in line, a few customers piled in behind us. While I was bending down to put something back that Ellie had out, I hit into the woman's cart behind us. I apologized out loud, while silently wondering why the hell she was so close to me. Then she started making small talk; asking how old Ellie was, asking me what frame I liked and what color mat she should buy? Really? I swear I was more than pleasant with her, but inside my impatience was building (about to explode).
I'm not a patient person--I'll be the first to admit it, and David could probably give many examples of my inability to stay calm in crappy situations that aren't quickly getting better (red lights, traffic, lines, multi-step house projects, slow computers, interrupted favorite TV shows). It's gotten worse since having both babies. I only have a few moments to accomplish things that I want to do and if something isn't going right when I finally have the chance (or take/make the time), it's never going to happen. So, as we were standing in line without moving forward, feeling cornered by the customers behind us, and fighting all the products in Ellie's grabbing hands, I scooped Ellie up, left the stuff we were going to buy at the cashier and headed out to the car, crying.
I was exhausted, disappointed, and most of all, defeated. Taking the energy to make the trip and returning home empty handed... After talking to the parents and David and calming down, I was able to realize that Ellie had fun and it wasn't such a big deal. I just won't be able to do anything for a few more years. JK. Kinda.
The next day, armed with David's optimism (more on that later), and both of the girls, we headed back to JoAnn's and got all the goods. Our family is awesome. Haha.
We were greeted by a line with 5 or 6 people in front of us. We headed down the (awesomely designed) single-file aisle lined with (well thought out) trinkets and bottles and candy all perfectly reachable for my little explorer. I took a deep breath and was prepared to keep her contained and safe, with a little interest in not destroying the store. Soon after we were in line, a few customers piled in behind us. While I was bending down to put something back that Ellie had out, I hit into the woman's cart behind us. I apologized out loud, while silently wondering why the hell she was so close to me. Then she started making small talk; asking how old Ellie was, asking me what frame I liked and what color mat she should buy? Really? I swear I was more than pleasant with her, but inside my impatience was building (about to explode).
I'm not a patient person--I'll be the first to admit it, and David could probably give many examples of my inability to stay calm in crappy situations that aren't quickly getting better (red lights, traffic, lines, multi-step house projects, slow computers, interrupted favorite TV shows). It's gotten worse since having both babies. I only have a few moments to accomplish things that I want to do and if something isn't going right when I finally have the chance (or take/make the time), it's never going to happen. So, as we were standing in line without moving forward, feeling cornered by the customers behind us, and fighting all the products in Ellie's grabbing hands, I scooped Ellie up, left the stuff we were going to buy at the cashier and headed out to the car, crying.
I was exhausted, disappointed, and most of all, defeated. Taking the energy to make the trip and returning home empty handed... After talking to the parents and David and calming down, I was able to realize that Ellie had fun and it wasn't such a big deal. I just won't be able to do anything for a few more years. JK. Kinda.
The next day, armed with David's optimism (more on that later), and both of the girls, we headed back to JoAnn's and got all the goods. Our family is awesome. Haha.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
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